Wednesday, December 30, 2009

100th Post... Me and God

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
Well, it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Well, your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Well, baby, I've been here before.
I've seen this room, and I've walked this floor.
I used to live alone before I knew you.
But I've seen your flag on the marble arch,
And love is not a victory march,
It's a cold and it is a broken Hallelujah

Well, there was a time when you'd let me know
What's really going on below,
But now you never show that to me, do you?
But remember when I moved in you,
And the Holy Ghost was moving too,
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Well, maybe there is a God above,
But all that I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you.
It's not a cry that you hear at night,
And it is not somebody who has seen the light
It's a cold and it is a broken Hallelujah

-Leonard Cohen

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A Welcome Visit

My old friend Amity and her hubby John came by yesterday
with their new baby. That made my day! Little miss
Willow is a prefect little human, looks a lot like Amity-
except when she cries, she looks like her dad!!! :)

I was well and happy to hold a sweet little baby again.
Amity and I talked a lot about the birth experience, and
I think I'm very excited for that when the time comes. For
now, I'm so glad that I didn't get married all those times
my step dad pushed me too. I know if it had gone according
to plans, I would have 2 or 3 little ones by now and be stuck in
the Quirverfull system for good.

I'm very happy for my friends and their little one, though!
Makes me happy thinking that like them, I can
pull out of the childhood I grew up in, and start fresh
when I bring my first little daughter or son into
this world.

Friday, December 25, 2009

In A Very Firm Strain

Okay, so I've been increasingly more open minded as I recover from a past of judgmental, cult-like families, but I'm going to take a stand here and now on one subject.

I came across an old 60 minute transcript reviewing Laura Doyle's book 'The Surrendered Wife'. In the transcript, they discuss a passage taken from the book. Laura explains how she teaches her daughter regarding her husband, Jesse:

"We talk a lot about Jesse's, 'He's your daddy and you're supposed to obey your daddy and we want to honour him and we want to respect him'. And just talking about why we are cleaning. We want to have a clean house so that we can honor Daddy because Daddy likes the house to be clean. Put it right there. Do you know why we're making the fruit pizza? We're making it for Daddy. We want to please him. We want to do special things for him. Daddy's the king of our home, isn't he? ..."

According to the reporter, this 2 year old daughter is 'in training' to follow in her mother's footsteps as a surrendered wife. Instantly alarm bells went off and everything in me went No, no, no. Absolutely wanted to vomit. I DO have an opinion on this one subject, and it is a very strong one.

It is NOT right to teach girls from the time they are toddlers that someone deserves respect simply because they have a penis. That child's father should get his fruit pizza because Daddy works hard to take care of her, or because Daddy loves her very much and they do things for him because they love him, too, or because it feels good inside to make Daddy happy. And his daughter should respect him because he has integrity, or because he treats her respectfully, or because he sacrifices for them.

Teaching her that a man – even a father - deserves respect because Mama chooses to make Daddy the ultimate center of her world is absolutely not right. If Mom wants to be a surrendered wife, so be it and I hope she is happy with that choice, of course. She can let Dad make the parenting decisions and she can help enforce them. But it is not okay to teach her children (her daughters) that this way of life is anything beyond her choice as an adult.

Taking future choices away from any girl by teaching her that she doesn’t have future choices in education, religion, occupation or parenting devalues her intelligence, belittles her ability to choose with the same considerate thoughtfulness we did, and ignores the basic human rights we advocate for so many other oppressed women throughout the world.

I say all this with a degree of indignation and with a certain degree of sadness. My mother sought a better way of life for us girls than she had experienced. She and my step dad adopted a unique lifestyle that was meant to protect the kids from the evils of the world. We were raised explicitly in the line of thinking that Laura Doyle's book promotes. If I at any point along the way had aspired higher education or a career, that goal was immediately repressed with guilt. After all, a stay at home mother is the only blessed life God would allow a woman to have.

That was only one of many rigorously high standards we were expected to keep. Fraternizing with any family who was not like us was out of the question. This caused all of us kids to grow up very judgmental of nearly everyone. The most completely miserable aspect was that of being a female. Even though I could clearly see that my mother was the more capable and more fit parent, she insisted that dad was in charge. And even when my stepfather clearly overstepped boundaries that exist in a healthy father/daughter relationship, causing my utter hatred of him, STILL it was reiterated that I show nothing but respect and admiration for him. Respect that had long disappeared with his unjust actions. Admiration that was impossible to find in my heart.

I will not – I refuse to – raise my daughter to be a replica of me. I will not seek to pass on my personality or lifestyle because it’s the one that makes me happy. And yes, I do realize that this is a controversial subject, and I'm no longer a fan of controversy and debates. In the case of this subject, however, I feel no guilt in posting about it because for me there is no controversy. This is a rock solid conviction that Aaron and I stand on, and there is no solid argument in favor if this practice as far as I am concerned.

Dedicated to my future daughter/daughters... I vow that you will have a choice in what your life shapes up to be.

Thursday, December 24, 2009


I wish that there were a huge celebration for all the family-less people in the world. Not only the ones who physically have families, but also for those who just have been displaced.

This time of year used to be my absolute favorite. My mom made sure to go all out with decor, singing, and general merry-making. We would never make less than 6 dozen cookies. Christmas spirit had a huge influence on me. Once my aunt came 3 hours to stay with us after getting in a huge fight with her husband. That Christmas, my step dad was stressed, and he and my aunt screamed all the way through the holiday. And I still loved it. Even the year I was 10, when my mom was hugely fat and pregnant, and Warren was intolerable, I remember making cookies with the midwife's daughter and having a blast, almost ignoring his mood.

As the one good memory from my childhood, this holiday stubbornly holds a special spot in my heart. Which is why now, despite everything I've done to protect myself, my heart feels like a hole was punched into the middle of it.

Because this year, there is no Christmas. The kids put up a tree, but well over half the decorations we always put up are gone. Christmas cards were not sent, and there are no cookies. The children are all gone to Lincoln.

Two nights ago, my sister and I went shopping for the little ones and each other. It was the most Christmas spirit I've shared this winter. We put aside our differences and watched a movie, made the peanut butter cookies with a Hershey's kiss in the middle, and wrapped presents. I think between the 2 of us, we could keep Christmas alive in our family, if we really tried.

My boyfriend called to tell me how many gifts he got for Christmas. Now he's at his grandparent's, getting ready for some really amazing food and 'quality family time'. Our new housemate told me that his parents give him 'some $500' to buy his own gifts. My friends from long ago are at their house right now, playing with the one present each that they let the kids open early.

I'm sure if they knew what that did to me, they wouldn't tell me. Or they would invite me to partake in their festivities. Which is touching, but like I've tried explaining, I would be the outsider no matter what way you looked at it. Christmas is totally a family thing.

That's why I propose a family-less people's Christmas. Where we can all cry a little bit, and miss our families. Where we can talk about how alone we would be if we didn't have each other. And then we could all eat a good supper, open some gifts, and commence in merry-making and laughter.

It hurts more the more I think about it, so I'm going to pull myself together now. Remind myself that it could be much worse, and then make some brownies and watch a movie or scoop some snow or something. Merry Christmas, my dear readers! I'll be back to my normal, composed self on December 26th.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Inside My Head, Installment #4

You can tell I'm bored if I resort to snapping photos of
myself. I don't like to generally. Today flew by
really fast. I spent a lot of it cleaning the house up. Then
I got online and instantly got bored. haha

At least I have Ember to keep me company. She smells
SO good today! Yesterday my sis was here too. I don't
hang out with her much, it was nice.

If I could be alone on an island for 20 years, I would. As
long as I had a sandbox full of words. I'd just write
all day, meaningless nothings. It would be more interesting
than trying to communicate with some people, anyway.

Here are five random things you didn't need to know:

1. If you have 3 quarters, 4 dimes, and 4 pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

President Kennedy was the fastest random speaker in the world with upwards of 350 words per minute.

According to suicide statistics, Monday is the favored day for self-destruction.

The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C. Ew!

The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache.

That's it. I'm too bored to concentrate on this anymore.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Inside My Head, Installment #3

I love being out of town; there is a certain peace about knowing I'll waste gas if I just run out, so I get to justify hanging out all day doing nothing.

I didn't even wake up until 11 am. When I did get up, I read books, moved Aaron's stuff, Hung up stuff, posted pictures, and did nothing until 6:30. Then I had to go to my little sister's concert. About that... I learned something tonight. Our 3rd grade homeschool choir was impressionably better than Norfolk's Junior High choir. Not only did we know how to harmonize, but we were using sign language to emphasize our songs.

I was in LOVE with my choir teacher. Memories of her are my favorite from my childhood. She used to have long, beautiful hair, and if I whispered in her ear, it would fall all over my upturned face. Kind of weird that I remember it so clearly, but I was in love with her voice, and everything else about her. So... yeah.

A few friends and I also watched the Princess and the Frog tonight, and it was beyond amazing. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to watch a super movie. I loved every second of it. Half the time, I was comparing characters in the movie to people in past Disney animations ("look, it's Edgar from Aristocats!!!"), and the other half I was wishing they would remake all the old movies to look as great as this one.

Want to hear some really deep thoughts I've been having... since it is so close to Christmas, I had to think about what I would do this holiday. I kind of thought about going to church, but besides that, I had no ideas. My mom is probably doing nothing, she is having Christmas burnout, apparently, and the kids went to their dad's. So I'm out a family for Christmas. Not like I had to be, I suppose. Because Aaron's family invited me to theirs.

Problem is, I felt something towards his family that scared me away big time. A few months ago, Aaron's dad was filling up my car tire, and he said that since I was one of his kids now, he was going to do car upkeep for me. And that, coupled with an amazing summer with his mom and dad, stirred up a lot of fond emotions inside me like an explosion.

Bad, bad idea.

That night I had a dream I was still with the Campbells. I woke up crying, but the memories kept rushing in. One of the Campbell girls was married to a cowboy, a true Southern, gentle, man. He was a quiet, unassuming, big protective bear. And I saw in him what I had always wanted in a dad. My idea of a good dad was this guy right here:
His name is Guy Penrod. And this guy was a lot like him. He was my father figure-in my dreams. But one day (in real life!), he was introducing his family, and he turned to me and told his friends, "and this is my oldest girl, Angel. I used to say I would only have 5 kids, but I adopted our 6th because she is my daughter in my heart." Oh snap. I melted into a bliss.

Guess what? He's not around anymore. My mom and her 'religion' messed that all up for me. He got scared of our family and never tried to talk to me again after I moved away. It was a hell on Earth, but then, I was used to that back then.

Not now. I would rather die all alone than be rejected like that again. I don't need a dad. I don't WANT a dad. So why does it bother me so much? It's because I know deep down that I'm bullshitting myself. I know I still want a father. How many times have I been tortured by thoughts of my wedding day and the fact that I'll walk down the aisle alone? How often have I wished I had a dad to talk to about Aaron, and guy stuff, and just to love? And to me, Aaron's dad seems to be made of really good dad material. I'd love to be his kid, to have any dad who cared that much.

So, that makes it a little awkward for me when I'm around his family anymore. Because I start caring too much. I'm trying to convince myself I need to be a loner. I like giving off the appearance of being strong and alone. I wish I could pull it off more convincingly. I'm rather fond of being alone the more I do it, though. Isolation builds the loner in me. Christmas break should help with that, since everyone is gone or busy.

Kind of weird how some freindships work out. Without naming anyone, here's how one has gone just recently: friends for about 6 months, then more like brother and sister for a year, then practically lovers for a month or two, to suddenly cut off. Gone. Out of the picture; but then back again, suddenly, in a weird, choppy way. Streaks of caramel in and out my life.

If you think that's a weird relationship, consider this one: Starts with close friends for about 1 1/2 years. Turns into him thinking of me as girlfriend material while I view him as a father figure. Grows into us dating. Cools down to friends again. Boils up to his rage and my panic. Cut off completely for about 6 months. Out of nowhere, emerging again. Tentative friends, then suddenly heats up to a really smoking passion. Huh. That was weird. And for the first time it's my turn to view him as less than perfect. Wonder what comes next? Cobalt shimmers, faint and far away.

I like the steady, nonstop loving relationships. The kind with a cerise hue. The kind that says Aaron Lee all over it. As long as I have him, I can pretend I'm a good loner, cause all the friendship I need, all the trust I ask for, I can find in him. Without him, I'd be lost somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

Time to stop thinking deep and start thinking happy Christmas thoughts. Here's my kitten:
Isn't Ember Rose sweet!?! Her color is mango, if you wanted to know. What a cutie. I'm going to go eat some Honey Buzzers (It's a cereal.)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

1. It's a bit chilly, I'm still recovering from the weather outside my dorm room. Wish I lived in Tennessee, where it was freezing at 42 degrees!

2. I have the most beautiful kitten in the world. Her name is Ember, and she is adorable!
She's a tiny girl for now, but I think she's going to be pretty big. She decided she loved me today-she curled up in my lap and passed out. Sweet baby... (thank you, Cassie!!!)

3. We are moving into our new house by Friday. Lots of work, moving is. At least we have a beautiful house to move into. I'll put up pictures soon.

Short post, cause I'm really tired... and full of chili, which makes me tireder...

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Fire and Ice, Baby...

2 state emergencies in one week! We are having a
great run before finals.
Emergency #1 was a snow crisis. We had feet of snow complicated
by 40 mph winds. Schools were closed down, roads closed off, and
a general mess.
Emergency #2 was a propane tank explosion. Happened this morning.
As I type the city is being evacuated. We'll see how everything goes, this
is not much fun though!!! I know a million people who have already been forced to leave.
And next week is finals. Disastrous combonation.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Snow Daze

Yup. We went there.

Aaron and Alexis

Aaron + Hat = Russian

I snagged a good one.

Yup yup.

Core Strengthening.

I don't really know...

At each other's throats

Awesome memories of the snow day!!!!!!!!!!!!! Probably won't have another one till 2036.

Inside My Head, Installment #2

So... I think I got a concussion last night. The main reason I think this is that this kid
and I slammed heads so hard I heard a crack. And then I felt a throbbing pain on the OTHER side of my head! Not to mention that I slept last night like I had taken sleeping pills, and I couldn't remember my roommate's name when I woke up. Ouch.

We have a lot of snow here. Actually, more than I have seen all year. That's why school is cancelled! I'm very excited about that.
Our school NEVER closes, so this is a fun occasion. I should be doing laundry today. I will get around to that eventually. I also want to make brownies. It would be fun to smell like a coconut in this weather.

There was an awesome Australian film crew at our house yesterday. I had more fun with these guys than I have any of the previous crews. Aaron and I got to bring friends and eat out with them. They had never experienced snow like ours! It was pretty interesting. Apparently They went to talk to the Campbells, the people I stayed with in Tennessee. The Campbells weren't aware of the subject of the interview. So they were very surprised when they heard it was about me. They then tried to lie and say they didn't know who I was, which obviously wasn't true, since they had also sad I had more problems then then could fix. So I guess in a way I got my revenge on them, or will in this documentery. Not like I was looking to. Part of me is scared that I'm going to lose my friends forever. The other part knows I never really had those friends to begin with.

I have a friend I haven't talked about before... I don't really know why.
He's a really sweet guy.
Oh, and he likes Josh Groban! I love that because he picked someone that I know. Like Celtic Thunder. Josh reminded me of a super sweet shy guy. I wish I could go back to Nashville... specially with this weather.

I got my Christmas shopping done!! lots of cool things. I can't wait to talk about what I got, but I can't yet.

Heart ATTACK!!! I thought I just lost everything I typed so far. But I found it again. Hooray!!!

Time to go do laundry and stuff.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Out of Rythm

It's been a long weekend. Promised to be a good one, but I guess promises get broken a lot. Hopefully it gets better. I've been feeling really down this past 24 hours, it's sucked. I hate when I make plans and they are messed up. But it's worse when someone else messes them up and then could care less that they did so.

Not that I should complain. I wonder if I'm controlling? I should keep track of what I do and see if I really am.

Today should get better because I'm getting a birthday present from a coworker, and that makes me happy. Plus tonight, if plans work out for once, I'm going to watch Blind Side at the theater. And then school comes again. Ugh. Two more weeks.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Inside My Head, Installment #1

I'm up earlier than I really wanted to be. It is usually nice to be the first one up, but today I'm just plain tired.

Last night the choir groups at school had an away concert, and we were gone for that from 4-10. Really good time, though. I had a duet which went off well. It's so fun to watch the Men's Ensemble, mostly. All the little things that they do... Joe with his lips barely moving. Josh with a grin at all times. Dane and Cameron sport matching red faces in the top left. My favorite is Grady, though. He looks like he just got put in the middle of a group of people he doesn't know, and he stares around, petrified, as he sings. I LOVE it!

Sometimes I wish I could see what people really thought. Then I changed my mind cause I probably don't want to know. I'd rather know what I think people think of me. It might be more flattering. Or not.

If I had coconut smelling stuff, I'd wear it a lot. I love it.

All I want for Christmas is as follows: A vest from Shopko, I think. Converse Shoes. Boots, like the slipper/really soft kind everyone is wearing. Soft blanket? A PUPPY. Long sleeve shirts are cool. Gift cards are always awesome, to wherever. The Buckle would be a good place to get a gift card cause I love the jeans but they cost SO much.

I used to be a huge fan of Jesus. Then I became indifferent but respectful of him. Now I've decided I'm not a fan. He makes for a good excuse for a lot of people to do a lot of things they shouldn't. Like hating homosexuals. Which is to me the same thing as Southerners wanting slaves. It's discrimination. I used to be judgemental in the name of Jesus. So did my step dad. And he used Jesus to molest me, too. So I don't like Jesus that much anymore.

When I do talk about my real feelings these days, I get bashed. I used to hate that, but now I guess I'm used to it. I know how I feel, and I can't change it to make people happy. I still respect those people who love Jesus. But he is not my kind of myth. I would rather go with a flying spaghetti monster, or better yet, nothing at all.

Today I'm doing a tkd testing. I hope I can get to a new rank cause yellow belts are sad, and very low. I have a secret for you. Now that I'm a new person, I'm doing alot of new things that are fun and exciting. I got a tattoo, for instance. It's funny how my music teacher didn't freak out, and my mom loved it, but I hear that my boyfriend's family might be more opposed to it. So maybe I'll just keep my back covered around them. Oh wait...I already do. I also colored my hair green, then red, then back again. The weirdest thing to me is that I used to think I was immune to intimacy. It reminded me of my step dad. But now I feel the same as other young humans do, and it's kind of unfortunate. It makes me want to get married and get in the baby making business. It's a strange, dark magic to look at guy friends I've known all my life and feel a new sensation of 'wow, he's good looking...' I'll leave it at that and let you think my mind is just that innocent. I have no idea what to do with these new feelings. I guess I should go to counseling again. I'll go call her right now.

Okay, so back to my thoughts. I kind of really want to eat something taco.

My tattoo, in case you wondered, is a yin yang with dolphins around it. It has a lot of meaning to me. The dolphins are purple. When I'm rich I'm going to have a pet dolphin. The tattoo hurts now cause it's covered in scabs. My reallly good friend had a baby last weekend. I really want to go see it.

I could think of more things to say. Like talk about meeting Dane's dad at the concert last night, or about Ethan making dirty jokes. But I kinda want to be done for now and go get ready for my martial arts jazz.

Oh, and I'm getting a kitty. Pictures to come!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Top 20 Thankful List-In No Particular Order

#1: I'm thankful for life moving on. See, life 20 years ago was bad, but it moved on. And life 15 years ago was questionable, but not unlivable. 3 years ago, yeah, life was unbearable. But thanks to life and moving on, this year was my best ever and it seems to keep getting that way. Thanks to life moving on I have a reason to keep living and watching what happens next.

#2: I'm thankful for the man who stands by me faithfully and loves me more than anyone I know. Who is not perfect, but is perfect to me. Who allows me to find myself and waits for me. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world for having him. I won't say who he is though, cause he tends to have a big head about it :P Love you babe.

#3: I'm thankful to be who I am. Not too short, not too tall, smart, somewhat attractive, and free spirited. Free to love who I will, to shun what I hate, and in control of my life. Free to listen to what music I want, to wear what I'd like, and to be a true friend to ALL people, not just 'my type'. Yup, I love what I'm becoming.

#4: The Fantastic 4!!! Yeah, I never plan my groups of friends, but I'm awfully glad to be in this one. Cassie, Liz and Chelsey, some of the most kick ass friends ever, know how to do James Bond things, and definitely the group I'm free to be me in. To make it sound all sentimental, cue the music for Jon & Kate Plus 8: "It may be a CRAZY life. But it's OUR life."

#5: Mom, this one's for you... but I don't really have words to describe what drives my thankfulness for you. You just have a lot of strength, and I love watching you go through the freeing process that I did. Spending time with you is much better now that I know you are going to speak your mind and not god's... Thank you.

#6: My Sanders. A friend who I can go without seeing for weeks, and when we see each other it's like we never left. One of those friends you dream about, a best friend, someone you want to invest in. Out of all my friends, this is the one who covers pretty much all areas of friendship: we ALWAYS have fun, real fun. We can talk deep. We can get personal. We can stay shallow. Pretty much the best friendship ever.

#7: I'm thankful for second chances. And third. And fourth. If God is out there waiting on me to get it right, I'm thankful he/she/it is holding out so patiently. I'm thankful for the chance to do everything I missed out on as a child. I'm thankful to stand up again and show myself that I can.

#8: I'm thankful for my music! The other language that I speak. I love to sing, it becomes the jubilee of my soul. I'm so glad that I can guiltlessly enjoy all styles of songs now.

#9: Julie DeFor, I'm beyond thankful for our friendship. Someone who listens and doesn't freak out, but understands! I've been to counseling, and this is way better. And not only that, but gives as much as she takes. It's incredible to get everything off my shoulders, and then see someone else honestly get things off hers. It's not a one way mentoring street, it's a companionship effort. And it's the best thing for me these days.

#10: I am so, so thankful for Hugh Jackman. He gives me something to dream about at night, someone to get all excited about when movies are released in theatres. Thanks to Hugh Jackman, I have a sense of worship and lots of ideas for decorating my ceiling. He is very present in my life, even though I've never met him... some godlike creature, and very worthy of it. He gives James Marsden a run for his money.

#11: I'm thankful for another man in my life...this one is so much a part of me, if I had multiple personalities, he'd be my other main one! We've known each other for nearly 7 years now. Think of every emotion you can have toward another human being, and we've shared it. In the end, I have decided that you can happily live with the man that was meant for you, but know that you have a soulmate somewhere else. Pretty freakin cool. He shall remain unamed as well because I don't want to seem pathetic sounding countless praises to him.

#12: What is with all the boys in my life?!? They take up way too much space (on here, I mean) but I can't forget them, since they are my mainstays these days. This guy is someone who anybody would be thankful to call friend. Trent is a listener. He LOOKS for a chance to be there for someone. He's one of the old souls, like me, so it's easy to converse with him. His share of grief enables him to empathize and he does so, nobly. I'm so thankful to say we've grown closer over the year and I am glad to have him as a friend.

#13: My job!!! It's so awesome to have a job that I love! No more telemarketing for me, ever. I'm amazed that out of dozens of people who would love to work at the theater and bar, I'm the one who got the job. My coworkers are pretty much stellar, and the job itself is a blast.

#14: Okay, I have another guy... the guy who sleeps on top of me (he's heavy, too). :) He's a Danish guy with a huge heart. He's the guy who makes me glad I'm a listener. Unlike a lot of guys I know, he doesn't see me as a project, or a potential significant other, or someone to worship because I know famous people, or anything like that. I get to hear about his dreams and aspirations, and it makes me feel good to be there for him. Plus his teeth are dazzling, and it's kind of awesome to be in the presence of something dazzling.

#15: I have a lot of other friends I don't see as much, but I totally would put them all here except I'm running out of room. These include my sister Emily K. (you're invited to our house warming party!), Trevor (I can't wait to go nude river dancing next month!), Amity (call me!!!!), my cousins (all of them...), Dean (you should totally sign up for TKD),

#16: I am so thankful that I met Amando, my crazy sweet friend. He was a very dear person to me, and I could go on and on about him, and not be glorifying him at all. He died in a car crash, but his memory spurs me on and motivates me to laugh often. If I had never met him, I wouldn't have sat down this autumn and reassessed what it means to be a good friend, and prioritized what I do with the rest of my relationships throughout life. Thank you Mando, and I miss you SOO much.

#17: For all the siblings, I'm thankful for every one of them. I'm thankful for what they bring to my life, for the reality of family, and for how strong our bonds really are. That we can be nothing alike, and still come back to each other in the end. Thankful for the added siblings that chose to be part of my family. I love them all and I'm glad I've got em.

#18: I'm thankful for drugs, namely Hydrocortizone and Vicodin. Pretty sure this is frowned upon by pretty much everyone, but hear me out anyway. Due to a huge amount of my friends smoking pot and doing drugs, I studied up on my drugs and decided that they are very unhealthy for human consumption. While inspiring good feelings, they create a false reality and pretty much act as a way to take you out of the real world. Therefore I don't do them. But I AM thankful for the good they do. I'll admit I would be a druggie if I could, and I'm just thankful for the self control and motivation I have not to do them. With that out of the way, I really am glad they are there, to help people who are in massive amounts of pain, and give them some sort of relief.

#19: Thanks be to the god of martial arts, for giving me what it takes to be hardcore and kickass. I love the sport. It's one of the only things I can think of that is a workout, a lesson in respect, competition, healthy defense, and fun all rolled up into one! I would be in poor shape if it weren't for my martial arts.

#20: The odds and ends. I'm thankful for my stability in the rocky economy. I'm thankful that I'm not tied down to a child or prison time. I'm thankful for President Obama and his efforts to at least inspire change. I'm thankful that I can look nice even to me. I'm thankful for social connections. I'm thankful for my phone, my boyfriend's parents, my little brother, and art. I'm thankful for my colors. And yeah, that was a lot of thankfulness, I'm kind of thankfuled out for now.

Saturday, November 21, 2009


Create your own FACEinHOLE

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

A Random Conversation

The following conversation may or may not be fictional...

Angel: I think Hugh Jackman is the hottest hunk EVER!
Liz: Oh my gosh, YES!!! He's so good looking...Angel: Especially in 'Australia'.
Cass: I don't really like him that much...
Angel and Liz: How COULD you!?!

Cass: He's okay... I think Matthew McCaunaghey is
WAY better looking...
Angel: Really? I don't think he's that impressive at all.
Liz: Yeah... no... I don't know...
Angel: Now Owen Wilson, he is HOTT.
Liz: Oh, totally.
Angel: Especially his voice...
Liz: Oh, his voice makes me melt!
Angel: definitely...
Liz: (slamming hand on the table) Cassie, you just

Cass: (jumping about 2 feet high) Know what???
Angel: Haha, you didn't hear us at all
Cass: I just agreed with you!
Liz: (laughing hysterically) I scared you...
Cass: Yeah, well I'm going to throw a PACIFIER at you!

Liz: OH NO!!!

Angel: And then I'll give an encyclopedia to Cassie!!!

(Deathly Silence)
Liz and Cass: What?

These random events can be found happening somewhere far, far from
Norfolk, NE, Northeast Community College.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

10 Random Updates

1. I was a Can Can Dancer for Halloween. Obama thought it was funny.

2. Aaron and I took a little break, but it didn't do so good. We are
just made for each other, no question about it.

3. We are moving into a lovely house starting in December! It's
going to be a-freakin-mazing.

4. My job lets me and one guest get into movies for free. I did
not, however, go with Aaron to see this:

5. On December 5th, I will be testing for my orange-and
hopefully green-belt in Taekwondo.

6. I will take an average of 28,000 showers in my lifetime. Go Biology...

7. The whole Husker pride thing is starting to make sense to me.

8. I have really missed sending letters to my friends. And so
my penpal side is making a comeback. Want a letter? Let me know!

9. I was on tv...
...and I'll be back on soon!

10. Oh yeah... I colored my hair. It's pretty now. (ignore the black
eye, I dropped a book on my face.) Thanks Cassie!!!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Misfit in the Bar

He sits apart from the rest of the crowd
Sitting alone, half drunk Budweiser in his hand
Unnoticed, a quiet shadow with a pleasant face
Seemingly unaware of the mingling all around him.

As I work, I glance at him from time to time
Sad to see him sitting all alone in this social bar
Vacant eyes staring into a chasm of space beyond
He takes another sip of his beer and heaves a sigh

And I wonder about his situation. He could be
A pipeliner, running from life but running blind
Or maybe a war veteran, building walls of silence
To stifle the gunshots and screams of agony he remembers.

Of course it could be he lived a life not so different
Just a quiet type who'd rather be alone in peace.
His eyes finally meet mine, briefly, as he raises his glass
He nods, half smiles, and slips back into his reverie.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I'm Pretty Much Amazing...

Lol just showing off some sweet skills that I have...

Wedding # 7...

Got a lovely new dress...

My childhood friends Liz got married...
to an Aaron! We are gonna have the same
name for our guys. :)

My mom away from home. :) Mother of the bride.

The little kids I used to babysit. I miss them.

Aren't they adorable? Liz looked gorgeous...
Congratulations and have the best time in
Puerto Rico!!!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Dance, Listen, Stand, Live.

Deep into the shadows of the night, you pull the melody
from my heart, reunite it with my feet. We twirl and
spin on the dance floor, keeping time with the beat. With
your head thrown back, singing at the top of your voice,
I feel as content as I will be. You start the spark that
lights a fierce, joyous fire within me, and I remember
how to love as easily as breathing air. And we dance.

No one sees me but only you, watching even when
twilight fades to a starry black. I build a wall around
to protect myself, but you reach in gently, pull me
out before my tears of loneliness fall. As my world
crumbles into a desolate wasteland, you hold me
and remind me that I am not abandoned. When
I'm finally ready to talk, you listen.

I stand strong in the darkness, encased in an armor of
pretense. I declare to the world my capability to remain
staunch in battle. I fear no one, I am proud and undefeated.
And yet beneath the confidence I wear, a child is crying in
fear. I cannot expect to keep my pose of strength, and
eventually my knees buckle. But somehow you are there,
supporting me. You lift me up almost imperceptibly, so no
one else sees my weakness, no one but you. With your help shake it
off, the trembling ceases, and I stand.

You tell me, "This would be my heartbeat if I ever lost
you. ^^^---^---------------". And I understand. To die
would be to lose all the beautiful memories, to erase
every Kodak moment we have created. Within you
and me lie the ingredients to hope, strength, and family.
I may be fatherless, I may lack a mother, but I have you.
For as long as I can dance in the arms of my sensitive, strong
brother, I will live.

Friday, September 25, 2009

New favorite movie

~Not only is it HOTT, and the guys are AMAZING, but my favorite ice dancer in the world, David Pelletier is one of the cowboys!!!~

And the Night Shall Be Filled With Music...

My beautiful friend Katie got married. My friend Amity is already married. I always figured I'd be the first one married and I'd have the biggest family. I'm sure glad my priorities changed before I got a bunch of kids thrown into the mix. I mourn for all the innocent children (myself included) who became victims of a Quiverfull family without being asked first. I'd rather be ready, like Katie is, than to marry the guy my dad picks and have 20 kids and counting, without knowing who I really am. Thanks God!

Pair of Jeans that Fit Just Right...

Wednesday night all my favorite peoples go to Riley's.
We all love Riley's.
Wednesday night is country night.
Nebraska likes country.

We may look pretty redneck.
At Riley's, that's ok.

I usually get to dance with all my guys.
I LOVE my guys.

Um... Ethan stripped off his shirt.
Ethan likes stripping!