Monday, August 29, 2011

The Way It Is

Sitting alone, again
I wonder
How it is that I,
The word-whisperer
Am out of words this time.

Of all the constants
One I trust the most
Is that the right description
Will come to me.

Or kinda right.
Cause I know
Exactly what to say
It's just when
The time comes
That I bite my tongue
And bide my time.

Until I worry
It will be
Far too late
I'll regret not speaking
So maybe
The time is

Sitting here, alone
I don't wonder
What to say
I know.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


Trouble is a friend of mine.

He finds me hiding in my own space, blending
Always taunting to make a scene.

Yes, Trouble likes to tease
Playful, charming, a gigolo
He reaches into my darkest secrets
He whispers the sweetest promises
I have ever heard.

Who am I to resist?
My weakness is a heart
A heart that lives, that bleeds
But Trouble cares not
Sees naught but his own intent
That is his legacy...

Taunting, holding my secrets high
He whirls about with a cry of devious delight
Flies about me mockingly
Before vanishing forever
Without a goodbye.

Yes, Trouble is a friend of mine.

Kiss of Warmth (I Can Make Nice Posts, Too)

Didn't they always say
We were the lucky ones?
I guess that we were once
Babe, we were once

But luck will leave you 'cause it is a faithless friend
And in the end,
When life has got you down
You've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around

There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart
But it's no one's fault
No, it's not our fault

Maybe all the plans we made might not workout
But I have no doubt, even though it's hard to see
That I've got faith in us
And I believe in you and me

There's so many dreams that we have given up
Take a look at all we've got
And with this kind of love
What we've got here is enough

So hold on to me tight
Hold on l promise it'll be alright
'Cause we are stronger here together
Than we could ever be alone
Just hold on to me,
Don't you ever let me go

Didn't they always say we were the lucky ones?

Hold On lyrics

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Straight, No Chaser

Yeah, I've been writing, and taking pictures, and everything. But
I've just been too preoccupied to put them all up. So here are
some of the writings, in several posts, today, along with this random
collection of everything else I've been saving for you.

Things I Have Lately Realized:

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Revenge is sweet. Revenge is ice cream?

In 1000 years, archeologists will find tanning beds and think that
we fried people as punishment.

The Miss Universe Pageant is obviously rigged. The winner is always from Earth.

The Amish will never read this.

Mozart is de-composing. :O

Ninjas and sushi makers have the same headbands. Hmm...

If Hershey bars printed "You're pretty" on the inside of its wrappers,
they would fully replace boyfriends.

If you are what you eat, then cannibals are the only real humans...

Everybody, meet Morris. Of 'Evenings With Morris'. He's sitting
here inspiring me to write this post.

Things To Do:

Buy a parrot. Teach the parrot to say, "Help! I've been turned into a parrot."

Change iPod name to "Titanic." Download new songs. Be amused by the
fact that the Titanic is syncing.

Go to Ikea. Hide in wardrobe. When someone opens wardrobe yell

Wear shirt that says "Life." Hand out lemons on street corner.

Hire two private investigators. Get them to follow each other.

Sit next to the kid in class with a stutter. Yell "remix" when they talk.

"We have a choice. We have two options as human beings. We have
a choice between conversation and war. That's it. Conversation and violence. And
faith is a conversation stopper."-Sam Harris

Signs that things aren't going so well:

Your dyslexic child waits for Satan to come down your chimney on Christmas Eve.

You're going for a leisurely walk in the mountains with your father. His name is Abraham.

You don't trust anyone but your friend Brutus.

You have a thing for your half-sister and your Uncle Scar just killed your dad.

You got scared half to death, twice.

Your parents give you a bath toy. It's a toaster.

You have the body of a god. It's Buddha.

You have a Korean roommate. Your cat is missing.

Two unicorns start nagging you to go to Candy Mountain.

The scar on your forehead is burning.


Dear men,
If women ran the world, instead of countries at war, there would be
countries who were mad and not talking to each other.

"Stood in firelight, sweltering. Bloodstain on chest like map of violent new continent. Felt cleansed. Felt dark planet turn under my feet and knew what cats know that makes them scream like babies in night. Looked at sky through smoke heavy with human fat and God was not there. The cold, suffocating dark goes on forever and we are alone. Live our lives, lacking anything better to do. Devise reason later. Born from oblivion; bear children, hell-bound as ourselves, go into oblivion. There is nothing else. Existence is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long. No meaning save what we choose to impose. This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It’s us. Only us. Streets stank of fire. The void breathed hard on my heart, turning its illusions to ice, shattering them. Was reborn then, free to scrawl own design on this morally blank world." -Rorschach

...I call this one 'The Hangover', even
though he didn't have one.

Fact: If you give a mouse a cookie, he will want a glass of
milk. If you give a teenage boy a marker, he will draw a penis.

Fact: 69% of people can find something dirty in every sentence.

Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people
who have more birthdays live the longest.

The Moments To Live For

The memorable ones, right? Those are the moments we should live for. The ones that leave you breathless. Literally.

Like the moment I held my little brother as he tried to writhe his way out of his skin. I had watched just seconds before, in slow motion, as he stood on tiny shaking legs reaching for a pot of coffee that had just been boiled. I dove for him, but it felt like my body turned to lead, and the scalding liquid seared his baby face, neck, and chest. Mom reached him first, and as she tore off the little red onsie, his skin peeled off with it. And then she handed him to me, and he clung to me as he shrieked. I held him that way, all the way to the emergency room. All the way through three morphine injections. That moment is burned into my mind for life.

The moment I heard the words that hadn't even entered my mind. I was wondering why my friend had abruptly stopped responding to my texts. I'd jokingly emailed him, 'Are you still alive? Call me!', cause he usually called every night, even if for just five minutes. When my buddy James called, I was blown over by the news he had. "Mando died, honey... Are you okay?" I was not. But the moment came a day later, when his mom called with details. "drove into a tree... burned alive... texting while driving..." all the air left my lungs. When the phone dropped to the floor and I followed it, the shock sending numbing warmth throughout my body. That moment in time is imprinted on my heart.

The moment I stared at my mom in disbelief as she begged me to understand. I had just been released from two months in the hospital, and in the most fragile state of my life, I depended on my mother's support to keep me alive. And she knew that I needed her, and that my step dad had abused me, for years. But she still said it. "You have to go. I need to be there for him," I didn't hear anything else she said. Just felt like I was standing still, the world moving around me. I felt the tingling on my skin where wounds were still healing. I heard the distant beeping of the machines that had been taped to me for weeks. And the feeling of a razorblade on my heart ripped through me, leaving nothing but a complete loss of faith in mankind. That moment scarred itself all over my body, over and over again, throughout time.

The day my best friend held me as tightly as he could, pulling me back into reality as I trembled in rage and grief. Two suicides in a row, a family divorce, and now a betrayal that pulled the last inch of fight out of me. He found me, curled into a ball on the bathroom floor, unable to respond when he called my name. The feeling of a boulder on my lungs, pulling me down into a dizzy realm of darkness. A ringing in my ears reminded my body that it was deprived of oxygen. He told me that I had to keep going, that he loved me so much, and I tried to love him back but I couldn't, because there was nothing inside me but a horrible pain. That moment is graven in my soul, and I still feel it sometimes.

I mean, there are definitely happy moments that make life fun. Friendships can lull you into a false sense of security and give you a warm, happy gush of affection. Laughter spreads that warmth into a giddy mess that lets you sprint towards whatever light is. A hug is like a topical aniseptic on your skinned knee. And love, drugs and sex give you a temporary burst of blinding euphoria. But in the end, we all return to those moments we remember, the split seconds we can never forget. That's what life is about.

For Hazelle

Someone told me last week that some people are born strong, and they are the ones who come through hardship and stay positive. My little sister was born strong.

She is my gentle loving sweetheart. I can hardly remember her crying, because she radiated happiness. At times when our dad was in a killer mood, I would escape with her to my room, turn up the music, and hold her. She loved to cuddle. She would hold my face in her tiny hands and laugh until I had to smile.

As we grew up, she adopted an unassuming personality that helped her avoid the abuse the rest of us suffered. My parents would overlook the small child curled quietly in the corner, observing everything with dark, patient eyes. Sometimes, she would sneak up to my side and hold my hand tightly, offering her childish comfort. Her quiet voice almost always softened even the worst moods my stepdad had, calming him and giving us some relief for a few minutes.

Now she's 15, and one of my mom's most brilliant children. She got the chance to go to public school, and instantly won the affections of her entire class. She has more friends than any girl needs, and I hear she's quite the hot commodity as far as the adolescent boys are concerned. And it doesn't surprise me, because she's sweet, strong, independent and a sharp observer. Those people always make the best friends.

I miss Hazelle so much. She is one of my best friends. She knows how to accept everyone and how to be the best kind of listener. I know she will turn into an amazing woman who exemplifies the courage that our generation should have.

The Lament

When you were young
Someone you looked up to
Told you life would be an adventure
And they were right.

But if they told you
That life was a beautiful thing
Or to follow your heart
Or don't give up hope
That was a flawed perspective.

If you ever believed in anything
In love,
Or hope
Or music
Maybe in dreams

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I Might Need a Hug

So, I wrote a couple of posts last week, and thought nothing of them. Then I figured out that my military friends actually READ this blog, unlike my Nebraska and Tennessee friends. (Hi, military friends.)

Now I can't think of a single thing to write about. Because the purpose of this blog is to entertain, and to arrange my insides. Now I personally know the people I'm entertaining, and I don't think I want to talk about myself anymore. Therefore, I will talk about other people.

People are backstabbers. At least in the United States they are. I'd recommend not trusting any one person fully. Because when it comes down to the wire, no one is going to lay down their lives for you, unless you're part of a functioning family unit. More importantly, people are interested in doing things to benefit themselves. Behind every successful person is a crowd of trash talkers. Because that's the most simple way to tear down people you consider a threat.

People are afraid. I've never met a person who doesn't live life afraid. Afraid of what people will think of them, or afraid of what kind of consequences will follow their decisions. Afraid of who might be waiting in the dark. Afraid of the unknown, afraid of the known... we are just a fearful race, and it limits us severely.

People don't know how to trust. But that's easy to explain, because people know everyone is a backstabber. So we wear masks that take months to uncover, and that's if you are extremely honest or an irrevocable fool. Instead they create a false impression that is what other people want to see, in their opinion, anyways.

People are vicious. The most satisfying thing for someone is watching someone else suffer. Life is a game of destroying others, and putting oneself at the top. But once they get to the top, they keep on hurting people, because they can and because we are carnally savage. So much for civilization. We can't evolve because we are stuck in a cruel, ignorant cycle.

People don't know themselves. Of course, they can't truly know themselves because they invest so much into other people. If they want to feel better about themselves, they create ways to make everyone else inferior to their own standards. If they want to gain power, they simple start stabbing. If they want to hide, they lie. If they don't want to face the monster inside, they turn to the nearest drama and get involved.

I'd like to say there is hope for an open world and a positive future. But I see very little. The fact that I'm in the United States Military, and I have to watch my back constantly, tells me that you can't trust anyone. Knowing that you can't even count on your closest friends since childhood not to turn on you should let you know that you should definitely not put your faith in relationships.

People are savage, unknowable creatures. Love is a word they can toss around like killer whales play with a baby seal. Hate is alive and strong. Judgemental attitudes abound. Religion is an excuse to destroy children in the name of God. People take you to your lowest lows and expect you to refuse dependency, addiction, or hopelessness, and get back on your feet with a smile. Fuck. That.

People really suck.

Disclaimer: This post was not intended to offend anyone or point out any certain person. I realize that not everyone fits this description. This is simply a slightly exaggerated expression of my feelings for humanity as a whole. If you've gained my trust and you know it, then disregard this post and be happy to know that to at least one person in the world, you are worth a lot. And please be yourself and don't turn fake on me. You're the only ones keeping it real.