Sunday, August 21, 2011

Straight, No Chaser

Yeah, I've been writing, and taking pictures, and everything. But
I've just been too preoccupied to put them all up. So here are
some of the writings, in several posts, today, along with this random
collection of everything else I've been saving for you.

Things I Have Lately Realized:

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Revenge is sweet. Revenge is ice cream?

In 1000 years, archeologists will find tanning beds and think that
we fried people as punishment.

The Miss Universe Pageant is obviously rigged. The winner is always from Earth.

The Amish will never read this.

Mozart is de-composing. :O

Ninjas and sushi makers have the same headbands. Hmm...

If Hershey bars printed "You're pretty" on the inside of its wrappers,
they would fully replace boyfriends.

If you are what you eat, then cannibals are the only real humans...

Everybody, meet Morris. Of 'Evenings With Morris'. He's sitting
here inspiring me to write this post.

Things To Do:

Buy a parrot. Teach the parrot to say, "Help! I've been turned into a parrot."

Change iPod name to "Titanic." Download new songs. Be amused by the
fact that the Titanic is syncing.

Go to Ikea. Hide in wardrobe. When someone opens wardrobe yell

Wear shirt that says "Life." Hand out lemons on street corner.

Hire two private investigators. Get them to follow each other.

Sit next to the kid in class with a stutter. Yell "remix" when they talk.

"We have a choice. We have two options as human beings. We have
a choice between conversation and war. That's it. Conversation and violence. And
faith is a conversation stopper."-Sam Harris

Signs that things aren't going so well:

Your dyslexic child waits for Satan to come down your chimney on Christmas Eve.

You're going for a leisurely walk in the mountains with your father. His name is Abraham.

You don't trust anyone but your friend Brutus.

You have a thing for your half-sister and your Uncle Scar just killed your dad.

You got scared half to death, twice.

Your parents give you a bath toy. It's a toaster.

You have the body of a god. It's Buddha.

You have a Korean roommate. Your cat is missing.

Two unicorns start nagging you to go to Candy Mountain.

The scar on your forehead is burning.


Dear men,
If women ran the world, instead of countries at war, there would be
countries who were mad and not talking to each other.

"Stood in firelight, sweltering. Bloodstain on chest like map of violent new continent. Felt cleansed. Felt dark planet turn under my feet and knew what cats know that makes them scream like babies in night. Looked at sky through smoke heavy with human fat and God was not there. The cold, suffocating dark goes on forever and we are alone. Live our lives, lacking anything better to do. Devise reason later. Born from oblivion; bear children, hell-bound as ourselves, go into oblivion. There is nothing else. Existence is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long. No meaning save what we choose to impose. This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It’s us. Only us. Streets stank of fire. The void breathed hard on my heart, turning its illusions to ice, shattering them. Was reborn then, free to scrawl own design on this morally blank world." -Rorschach

...I call this one 'The Hangover', even
though he didn't have one.

Fact: If you give a mouse a cookie, he will want a glass of
milk. If you give a teenage boy a marker, he will draw a penis.

Fact: 69% of people can find something dirty in every sentence.

Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people
who have more birthdays live the longest.