Friday, December 30, 2011

The Way the Cookie Crumbles

Ever since I developed a personality and stopped living for approval, I manage to piss a lot of people off. I also have made some of the most loyal friends I've ever had.

In a way, that's a bad thing. Every time I get an angry message from someone, my heart sinks into my stomach and I feel a little sick. My life used to literally revolve around what people thought of me. Now that's not the case at all.

And mostly that's a really good thing. I haven't become a wild thing, doing whatever feels good or rebelling against the world. But if I would like to do something, like stand up for myself and my choices, I'm able to do so with relative ease.

This year has been extraordinary. For growth, discovery, and strength. A nonstop adventure. I've seriously not taken time to breathe until this week. From a new marriage, to boot camp and relocation to Florida. A realization of mistakes, a surge of confidence, a summer of too much love and a lot of pain. Graduation left me broken, missing some of the best people I'd ever known. A girl who challenged everything I believed and rekindled my love for music. A horrible illness ending In chemo treatments that left me drained. That's been my year.

Blogging is a funny thing. In order to think, I need to unload my brain completely. This is my place of relief. Perhaps to you readers, it sounds like I'm a bit more than totally obsessed with myself. But actually, this is my only venting ground. When I've logged out of here, I become the chill voice of reason that Holmes would admire. I guess everyone needs an out, and this is mine.

Next year shows a whole world of promise right now. Travel, family time, a place of my own, the best job in the nation, and a hundred new genres of music to listen to, a million new books to read and an a-list of movies to see. A new friendship that gives me hope, and of course my good old trustworthy trio of friends.

This year is almost ready to blink out. I don't regret a thing. I'm comfortable with the skin I'm in. I've learned to respect myself and my opinion. Next time I have reservations, I won't just jump into anything. Life is too good to spend missing the past.

Friday, December 16, 2011

The Night

Guess what?

It's the weekend.
You can't tell me what to wear,
What time to set my alarm for
Or how clean my room needs to be.

There is no limit
On how late I stay up
Or how many Long Islands I drink
Cause this is my night.

And I started it
By getting undressed
And stretching out on my bed
Savoring the air on my skin.

I'm an adult now
Strange to believe it
I don't feel that much older
But I guess I am.

This is my night
No more boot cleaning
And I'm wearing my hair down.
Embracing the shadows.

Monday, December 12, 2011


Guess what? The Navy is a terrific place to meet new people. Every kind of person. I've shared dinner with sailors from every state and several countries. I've encountered every religion I've ever heard of. There are many motives for joining the service, and I've heard a lot of them. I've made friends I never expected to make, and gained a wealth of wisdom and lessons.

I've realized I don't know anything about personalities. I thought I knew what kind of people I could tolerate and who I should steer clear of. It's strange, some of the most nosy girls have some of the best advice. The most arrogant man could have the fiercest loyalty and protective nature. Some people seem to care about no one, but when you get to know them, they have deeply sensitive souls that need loved.

I've found that I am happiest when surrounded by friends. One on one is the best way to get to know me. But I very much love to be part of a crowd, to fit in with a group. Whether I'm bullshitting around with my work party, or singing with the PAC, or taking a trip to Disney world with my closest friends, or even just chilling at books a million with one or two kindred souls, I'm happiest when with company.

This is the time of my life. To socialize, learn from others about myself and how I interact. To savor the feeling of being wanted and enjoy the presence of others. I'm not the introvert I always thought I was. I have the feeling that 2012 will be my best year to date.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Inside My Head

I'm sitting in my barracks, working in some photo projects that I've been wanting to finish, and listening to Glee. This is the perfect beginning to a wonderful weekend.

For the past month, I've been fighting some personal demons. They inspired some dark writing, but also I'm proud of how well I coped. To me, it's a sign of the progress I've made on myself since last year. I'm now entering a season of good things, and it's very welcome!

So, lately I've been wearing hoods all the time. If I'm in uniform, my cover is always pulled low over my eyes. I'm not sure why. But I feel naked without a cover on my head. It started as a fashion thing, and then I just switched to doing it all the time.

About love...  I've dished a lot of crap on it. I'm not exactly sure where I'm at yet, but I don't hate it anymore. After all, I have an idea of what love is. It was that choked up feeling I got when I saw the Christmas tree my sister Drew for me and the contents of the care package my mommy packed. And it's the sensation I savored when I heard my friend today, being real, asking if I was doing okay. It's what inspired me to plan a trip to Texas to see the sailor who can't go home for Christmas. It's the excitement I get when I see a text from Tokyo.

My latest endeavor is to really focus on myself and rejuvenate. I an learning about my personality, thanks to my pal Bannon, and I'm bringing out talents I've wanted to master, but never had time. Piano is coming back into focus, along with vocals :D I've also been building my relationships with the six most important people in my life.

I'm not saying last year didn't happen, out that the situation didn't suck. But after a year of not speaking to my siblings, I find I'm absolutely content with the fact that I can see Lydia on Facebook, or that I'm saving up for a ticket to bring Hazelle to Florida. Mom is my best friend again, and I'm finding that beneath the new perspectives and beliefs, she is the same mom. And I love her.

So, yeah. That's all going great. And the Navy? Please. I was made for this life. It's got the stage, the value, the pride, and benefits on the side! I'm learning that my rate happens to be amazing. Every morning I walk to muster and think about how cool it is that I'm in the service. I get to honor the ensign every day. I get to wear a uniform worth being proud of. I'm really glad I chose this career. It's brought me nothing but joy.

Funny side note... I saw a senior chief the other night when I was jogging to the chapel. He looked unsteady, and I ran over to see if he needed anything. He walked up to the empty flag pole, saluted smartly, and turned to me. "Shipmate!!! Did you salute the ensign?" he boomed. I came to attention and saluted, confused. He then went to the door of the Quarterdeck. "do you know why this door is locked?" I explained that it was after hours... He was very pleased about this fact. He re-saluted, turned and stumbled away. I laughed for about ten minutes. It was glorious.

I'm about to go on a pizza date. Every weekend, a small group of us go smoke hooka and eat out, go to a movie, or find a fun event. Tomorrow we are going to the zoo. I believe this is my time to take advantage of the freedom I have, and use it for good. I don't have anything holding me down. I have the structure of the Navy that I need to keep me grounded. I'm going to Tokyo and Europe next year. Life is, indeed, wonderful.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Broken Heart Syndrome

I don't have that.
No, that's crazy, like Fo real
I'm not like that.
It doesn't hurt when I think of you
(which by the way, I don't do often)
My heart is steady and content
Not falling into pieces as I speak.

Broken heart?
What is that, anyway?
Strongest muscle in my body!
Don't expect it to give out over you.
Its busy pumping blood
Not bleeding tears
I don't miss you.
Get real.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Love sucks

So, no offense, but I can't fucking stand love. It's a false hope. It's the idea that people could do more than use you.

Watched a movie last night. Everybody had an angle, a reason to become acquainted with the other. It's the truth that everyone has an angle. And in the end, it's never about anyone else. It's about what you get out of it.

If love were real, God would strike dead all those child molesters, wife beaters, those pathological homophobes who do nothing but harm to this world and the innocents in it. If love were an actual thing, then someone would stay alive for the sake of their best friends and family. If love existed, then this thing called relationship would end in something other than total despair and brokeness.

Love is a myth for people who aren't strong enough to find peace in themselves. There is no such thing. I've seen people who are happy, always smiling and encouraging, become broken shells in their private moments. Reality is that we are all alone, and that's how it's going to end.

God could be a really good copout, if you have the imagination to create faith in something you don't know anything about. God can be some eternal loving creature, who fills the gaping spaces that your friends eventually leave you on the side of the road with. He can be your father, your groom, your best friend...sick. What a pathetic life, finding joy in your imaginary friend.

I feel like a traitor saying this. This whole thing would exclude family, except family stabs you quicker than friends do. And deeper. Because they know you can't just walk away, they are family and in the end, you still share their blood. So I can't hate uncle Jim, or any other person who killed me inside, if they are related.

There are those relationship people... God, I fucking despise relationships. They bring me nothing but wrenching pain in my gut. So far I've been in four. Miles, who belittled every thing that I ever said, and put me down. And I stayed with him why? My latest relationship can tell you. It's cause I'm fucking stupid. That's all he thinks of me now. I see why. I cared about someone who was supposed to be just a friend, and I believed all the sweetness. He was a million times better than my husband, who ended up...I can't even go there yet. And James, my one relationship where I think we had a real love, but he dated me during the days when my step dad molested me, and I was scared...fuck that.

But friends... They are worse. I have my Colton, Emily and Robert, and Lisa and my brother Dean. Those guys are the closest bond in humanity that I have. And in a way, I hate it. You hear me, Colton? If you hasn't been around this summer, I might be numb now, comfortably hating everyone. But you kept me real, and you made me fall in friend love so hard that I honestly would give my life for the kid. And Robert and Emily, who have seen me be a total melting mess, and been there. Dean. You once stayed with me, as I screamed at you to leave me, to give me one more reason not to survive, and I told you how much I hated you. But you stayed, you brushed aside my anger and you style my heart and kept me alive. And Lisa, my unlikely friend who pulls out a spiritual side in me that I'd like to see dead sometimes.

Why? I had a friend like you once. My Caleb, my brother. Been there for me, told me everything. When I curled up on the floor and cried, you curled around me and cried with me. You stood up for me, at risk of losing your job, and didn't think twice. We were side by side for years, you were my twin and the one person I trusted never to leave.

So what happened to that promise? Did you even think about calling me? The phone was inches away from your hand when they found you. Did you think lying would protect me? You told me everything was fine. Fuck it, you told me you loved me, that was the last fucking thing you said to me. How could you? You destroyed my faith. I love my friends now, but I can't fucking trust them, because of you.

My heart went numb the day he died. I absolutely cared not at all. I wish I had stayed that way. I wish I'd never met Aaron, or Colton, or Brian, or anyone else who woke me up. I'm trying to go back to that peaceful place, where nothing mattered and I was always cold. Because this pain thing is not me. Other people embrace life with vigor. I don't want to. I think the only meaning for my life is to serve as a warning for all the rest of you.


This isn't home.
I knew before I even left my mother's arms. I saw the power lust in a man I was told to respect. When wrong was right, I knew. As I saw the pain in my family. Watched my sister's bright eyes turn dull and listless and watched my brother's little body crushed by a bully of a father. That place wasn't home, and I begged for a way out.

The moment I stepped outside to supposed freedom, it became clear that I didn't belong. Kids are still abused. Women sell themselves. Tears flood the streets and mingle with the blood of tired sojourners. The young blood flows too; a child who doesn't belong knows no release other than a blade. A quick motion and their bitter life is over before it really started. Pain is palpable here. Behind the plastic smiles are aged, sorrowful souls, wishing for respite. Maybe the youngsters have it right. Get out while you can. Dying is freedom. This isn't home.

I've traveled these roads. I've tasted many sensations and sought the treasures of earth. I've even gone so far as to attempt the wonders of God. Not one of these has brought me nearer to something to call my own. Nations don't have it; my native land isn't anywhere. I don't know how to make myself fit in when I'm a foreigner everywhere I've ever been.