Friday, December 9, 2011

Inside My Head

I'm sitting in my barracks, working in some photo projects that I've been wanting to finish, and listening to Glee. This is the perfect beginning to a wonderful weekend.

For the past month, I've been fighting some personal demons. They inspired some dark writing, but also I'm proud of how well I coped. To me, it's a sign of the progress I've made on myself since last year. I'm now entering a season of good things, and it's very welcome!

So, lately I've been wearing hoods all the time. If I'm in uniform, my cover is always pulled low over my eyes. I'm not sure why. But I feel naked without a cover on my head. It started as a fashion thing, and then I just switched to doing it all the time.

About love...  I've dished a lot of crap on it. I'm not exactly sure where I'm at yet, but I don't hate it anymore. After all, I have an idea of what love is. It was that choked up feeling I got when I saw the Christmas tree my sister Drew for me and the contents of the care package my mommy packed. And it's the sensation I savored when I heard my friend today, being real, asking if I was doing okay. It's what inspired me to plan a trip to Texas to see the sailor who can't go home for Christmas. It's the excitement I get when I see a text from Tokyo.

My latest endeavor is to really focus on myself and rejuvenate. I an learning about my personality, thanks to my pal Bannon, and I'm bringing out talents I've wanted to master, but never had time. Piano is coming back into focus, along with vocals :D I've also been building my relationships with the six most important people in my life.

I'm not saying last year didn't happen, out that the situation didn't suck. But after a year of not speaking to my siblings, I find I'm absolutely content with the fact that I can see Lydia on Facebook, or that I'm saving up for a ticket to bring Hazelle to Florida. Mom is my best friend again, and I'm finding that beneath the new perspectives and beliefs, she is the same mom. And I love her.

So, yeah. That's all going great. And the Navy? Please. I was made for this life. It's got the stage, the value, the pride, and benefits on the side! I'm learning that my rate happens to be amazing. Every morning I walk to muster and think about how cool it is that I'm in the service. I get to honor the ensign every day. I get to wear a uniform worth being proud of. I'm really glad I chose this career. It's brought me nothing but joy.

Funny side note... I saw a senior chief the other night when I was jogging to the chapel. He looked unsteady, and I ran over to see if he needed anything. He walked up to the empty flag pole, saluted smartly, and turned to me. "Shipmate!!! Did you salute the ensign?" he boomed. I came to attention and saluted, confused. He then went to the door of the Quarterdeck. "do you know why this door is locked?" I explained that it was after hours... He was very pleased about this fact. He re-saluted, turned and stumbled away. I laughed for about ten minutes. It was glorious.

I'm about to go on a pizza date. Every weekend, a small group of us go smoke hooka and eat out, go to a movie, or find a fun event. Tomorrow we are going to the zoo. I believe this is my time to take advantage of the freedom I have, and use it for good. I don't have anything holding me down. I have the structure of the Navy that I need to keep me grounded. I'm going to Tokyo and Europe next year. Life is, indeed, wonderful.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for the personal questions, but like many who follow your blog, I'm a little confused. Last year, your sisters made some pretty serious accusations against Aaron, which you said couldn't possibly be true - not because you believed him over them, but because it was literally impossible for things to have happened when and where your sisters claimed. Despite knowing this, your mother supported your sisters, and the end result was that none of your siblings were allowed to attend your wedding. I recall seeing speculation that your mother had manufactured the entire thing and put your sisters up to it, though I can't recall whether that came from you or from someone else online.

Has something happened that made you reconsider the truth of those accusations? Otherwise, well, that's a pretty big thing to forgive... she's still your mother, and they're still your sisters, but I'm beginning to feel sorry for Aaron. If my in-laws did something like that to me, and my spouse expected to mend fences with them as though nothing had happened, it would cause serious problems in the relationship. I know it's none of my business, but I'd love to know what prompted the change of heart towards your family.

Angel Renee said...

Dear Anonymous,

It's hard to say without putting up too many personal details about my family. I don't want to throw my whole life out there like my mom did, she is suffering a lot of abuse for doing that last year. I will say what happened last year was fucked up on everyone's parts.

My husband is not the man I thought that he was, and I hate saying that because I know there are plenty of people crowing, I knew it!! But it's more complicated than that. Having a job in intelligence means that a lot of information I had never known was uncovered and brought to my attention. Knowing the truth, I decided that it would be best to part ways and focus on my job for now.

The reason I reconnected e with my family has nothing to do with that. I mainly missed my youngest siblings, and was very suspicious of the rest of my family. Then I made my trip home and things changed a lot. I realized how much my family means to me, and that I did my fair share of sabotaging last year. I had been extremely angry at my mom, and with ever right, but that didn't give me the right to hurt her like I did.

In the end, I guess this military life is lonely enough without someone back home rooting for you. Things aren't fixed at home, but I'm willing to leave that alone because it's more important for me right now to have support, and to give my mom some, because she has very little right now. Mostly thanks to me.

Confusing? Yeah, to me too. Life is like that now.

Anonymous said...

I call B.S. on your newfound info on your husband. You are rookie and would not be given access to personal info about him. Maybe you should do a background on everyone in your family. That would make a miniseries on tv for sure. Your immaturity shines through each and every post.