Sunday, December 4, 2011

Love sucks

So, no offense, but I can't fucking stand love. It's a false hope. It's the idea that people could do more than use you.

Watched a movie last night. Everybody had an angle, a reason to become acquainted with the other. It's the truth that everyone has an angle. And in the end, it's never about anyone else. It's about what you get out of it.

If love were real, God would strike dead all those child molesters, wife beaters, those pathological homophobes who do nothing but harm to this world and the innocents in it. If love were an actual thing, then someone would stay alive for the sake of their best friends and family. If love existed, then this thing called relationship would end in something other than total despair and brokeness.

Love is a myth for people who aren't strong enough to find peace in themselves. There is no such thing. I've seen people who are happy, always smiling and encouraging, become broken shells in their private moments. Reality is that we are all alone, and that's how it's going to end.

God could be a really good copout, if you have the imagination to create faith in something you don't know anything about. God can be some eternal loving creature, who fills the gaping spaces that your friends eventually leave you on the side of the road with. He can be your father, your groom, your best friend...sick. What a pathetic life, finding joy in your imaginary friend.

I feel like a traitor saying this. This whole thing would exclude family, except family stabs you quicker than friends do. And deeper. Because they know you can't just walk away, they are family and in the end, you still share their blood. So I can't hate uncle Jim, or any other person who killed me inside, if they are related.

There are those relationship people... God, I fucking despise relationships. They bring me nothing but wrenching pain in my gut. So far I've been in four. Miles, who belittled every thing that I ever said, and put me down. And I stayed with him why? My latest relationship can tell you. It's cause I'm fucking stupid. That's all he thinks of me now. I see why. I cared about someone who was supposed to be just a friend, and I believed all the sweetness. He was a million times better than my husband, who ended up...I can't even go there yet. And James, my one relationship where I think we had a real love, but he dated me during the days when my step dad molested me, and I was scared...fuck that.

But friends... They are worse. I have my Colton, Emily and Robert, and Lisa and my brother Dean. Those guys are the closest bond in humanity that I have. And in a way, I hate it. You hear me, Colton? If you hasn't been around this summer, I might be numb now, comfortably hating everyone. But you kept me real, and you made me fall in friend love so hard that I honestly would give my life for the kid. And Robert and Emily, who have seen me be a total melting mess, and been there. Dean. You once stayed with me, as I screamed at you to leave me, to give me one more reason not to survive, and I told you how much I hated you. But you stayed, you brushed aside my anger and you style my heart and kept me alive. And Lisa, my unlikely friend who pulls out a spiritual side in me that I'd like to see dead sometimes.

Why? I had a friend like you once. My Caleb, my brother. Been there for me, told me everything. When I curled up on the floor and cried, you curled around me and cried with me. You stood up for me, at risk of losing your job, and didn't think twice. We were side by side for years, you were my twin and the one person I trusted never to leave.

So what happened to that promise? Did you even think about calling me? The phone was inches away from your hand when they found you. Did you think lying would protect me? You told me everything was fine. Fuck it, you told me you loved me, that was the last fucking thing you said to me. How could you? You destroyed my faith. I love my friends now, but I can't fucking trust them, because of you.

My heart went numb the day he died. I absolutely cared not at all. I wish I had stayed that way. I wish I'd never met Aaron, or Colton, or Brian, or anyone else who woke me up. I'm trying to go back to that peaceful place, where nothing mattered and I was always cold. Because this pain thing is not me. Other people embrace life with vigor. I don't want to. I think the only meaning for my life is to serve as a warning for all the rest of you.


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