Friday, December 30, 2011

The Way the Cookie Crumbles

Ever since I developed a personality and stopped living for approval, I manage to piss a lot of people off. I also have made some of the most loyal friends I've ever had.

In a way, that's a bad thing. Every time I get an angry message from someone, my heart sinks into my stomach and I feel a little sick. My life used to literally revolve around what people thought of me. Now that's not the case at all.

And mostly that's a really good thing. I haven't become a wild thing, doing whatever feels good or rebelling against the world. But if I would like to do something, like stand up for myself and my choices, I'm able to do so with relative ease.

This year has been extraordinary. For growth, discovery, and strength. A nonstop adventure. I've seriously not taken time to breathe until this week. From a new marriage, to boot camp and relocation to Florida. A realization of mistakes, a surge of confidence, a summer of too much love and a lot of pain. Graduation left me broken, missing some of the best people I'd ever known. A girl who challenged everything I believed and rekindled my love for music. A horrible illness ending In chemo treatments that left me drained. That's been my year.

Blogging is a funny thing. In order to think, I need to unload my brain completely. This is my place of relief. Perhaps to you readers, it sounds like I'm a bit more than totally obsessed with myself. But actually, this is my only venting ground. When I've logged out of here, I become the chill voice of reason that Holmes would admire. I guess everyone needs an out, and this is mine.

Next year shows a whole world of promise right now. Travel, family time, a place of my own, the best job in the nation, and a hundred new genres of music to listen to, a million new books to read and an a-list of movies to see. A new friendship that gives me hope, and of course my good old trustworthy trio of friends.

This year is almost ready to blink out. I don't regret a thing. I'm comfortable with the skin I'm in. I've learned to respect myself and my opinion. Next time I have reservations, I won't just jump into anything. Life is too good to spend missing the past.


Tapati said...

People much older than you are continue to struggle with worrying about what people think of them. Letting go of that is a process. So don't feel bad if you haven't already mastered it! At least you know it's something to work on and not let rule you. :)

Nightingle said...

And I love and miss you. I am happy to be and have been a part of your life.