Wednesday, March 23, 2011

A little of everything

To start off ill tell you I got a phone call from Angel on Monday. She is enjoying herself. She thought it would be like prison but its nothing like it. We couldnt talk for too long because she had to go. She is liking the food and the people. It sounded like she was doing a lot of classroom time. She has already lost like 4 or 5 pounds she said.

Today was probably the loneliest day since the day after she left. I didn't have Cable to keep my mind busy and I did a lot of walking around and doing errands so it gave me plenty of time to think. I do wish I had more family close by. I enjoy my friends and my coworkers. They do help but I miss the emotional connection. Something you only get from really close friends or family. Its time like these that I do wish we were on good terms with her family. I could go further into that thought but I am ending it there to keep from creating any unneeded drama. I have only gotten 1 letter from her and I am eagerly awaiting another. It keeps me content and moving forward.

Before Angel left I told her I would get into better shape. I am trying hard to lose weight but I'm not getting as fast of results as I had hoped for. But I will continue to keep trying. I don't want her to be let down when I get to see her. She is gone bettering herself so the most I can do for her is to try to better myself. We will see where I am at in the end.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Angel's First letter

Hey everyone. Sorry I havent posted on here for a week. I have been planning on posting for awhile I just never got around to it. I did start a post last night but I couldn't finish it yet because I felt I was not sticking with my point enough. Well now onto about how Angel is doing.

I got a letter from Angel this last week. She says she is having a good time. She got into the 900 Division so she is happy about that. She is making some good friends. She said the first couple days were bad but after that it got better. Her boots are apparently blistering up her feet pretty bad but hopefully by this time they are getting better. :)

Well I need to get to sleep. Goodnight all and have a peaceful and pleasant night and day tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


Hello everyone, I'm sure almost all of you know me by now but I will introduce myself anyway. My name is Aaron, Angel's Husband. Until angel gets out of boot camp i will have control over her blog and I will keep everyone updated on how she is doing and how I am faring as well. I will also put on some of my own ideas and thoughts. Do not think I will be telling my side of the story on the situation that I am most certain most of you can recall. I will try my best to steer away from it so that I do not add any more confusion or drama. I am merely a fill in while the wife is away. Now I will tell you how I am doing.

Monday I took angel to Omaha and we checked into our hotel. She had to stay in a room with a roommate that the navy paid for while I bunked with Ed's family in a separate room. We said our Goodbyes for the night about 9:30 p.m. It was a tough night because the thought of not being able to see my beautiful wife and best friend for month was hard to imagine. I got onto the computer and talked with friends to try to keep my mind busy. It worked rather well. The next day I got up and got ready and went down to the MEPS station in time to be able to watch her swear in. Then I hung out there until she got loaded up and shipped off to the airport. We hung out there and messed around on the computer and we were about to say our final goodbyes when we looked at the screen and saw that the flight had been delayed for an hour. We were happy that we got to see each other longer but its one of those things where we were preparing ourself for it and it got pushed off for awhile. So we ended up buying a movie and watched almost all of it before she left. I said my final goodbye before she left and it was hard. I had to hold back my tears while I murmured a goodbye and I love you. I could tell she was having problems with it too. She walked away and I walked away and I turned around and I saw her fellow navy recruit put her arm around her so I could tell she was having a hard time with it. I could ramble on more but the rest is just mundane stuff.

I knew it would be hard emotionally departing my loved one. But I did not think past that. That's what you hear about when you think of people getting deployed or going to boot camp. You think of the emotional. The problem with being a guy and your wife going into the military is that you can not be there for her when she is having a rough time. You can't give her a hug and tell her its going to be alright. I can't just run her a hot bubble bath and light her some tea candles and tell her to go relax. I absolutely hate it because now I feel like I need to nurture something. Now that she is gone I see it a lot more clearly how we balanced each other out. She may have been the "head of the household" and told me that things needed done but I was able to calm her down after a bad day or help her run her errands. Now I finally see what a marriage is supposed to be like and I think I knew it all along but now I think I can for sure say that I have a great marriage.

Well I am not going to sleep in my bed tonight. I can't even hardly go into the room without getting emotional. The couch looks the comfiest at the moment. Well goodnight all and I hope I didn't ramble too much on here. I get told that I do that a lot.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Navy Bound

Swearing in to the service. Now they own my soul. Muah-ha-ha.

My good buddy Ed was able to swear in at the same time as me.
He leaves in about an hour for his boot camp in Georgia.

I'm a Sailor now! And Aaron's a Navy husband...

At the airport, waiting to leave. Talk to you all in a few
or several weeks!

Monday, March 7, 2011

The Voice of My Beloved...

I look like my brother Andrew in this picture. A lot.

So... this is it. I'm leaving tomorrow. I can't believe, with how this year has gone so far, that something is going to go right for once. And yet, it's pulling together, obviously.

I'm still not too nervous. But deeply sad about not seeing Aaron. You, readers, will fare better than me. He promises to let you know how I'm doing. He might put up pictures of my blue belt, some shots of us at MEPS swearing in, and excerpts from my letters in the following weeks. So, enjoy it! He's a good writer when he tries.

Well... I'll see you in 8-9 weeks!!

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Inside my Head, Installment #16

Well, the past two weeks have been horrendously chaotic. It's almost like living in a 4 bedroom house with 9 people and 1 1/2 bathrooms. But, who would do something as crazy as that???

My friend Cassie quit the Navy around New Year's, and then moved out of our house to stay with her girlfriends across town. So we reorganized the house and cleaned. I've been working hard to get ready to leave for the Navy.

I hadn't planned on going into the Navy after Cassie quit. I was very sad about her leaving, as well as family issues which were heightening at that time. We began talking about simply staying here, helping care for a friend's daughter, and just living.

But at some point, I began to feel a growing excitement about the opportunities the Navy will bring. One of the best things I can do right now is get away from this poisonous environment and seriously pursue a new life for myself and my husband. The financial benefits will be out of this world. Plus there just is a time in life to step out completely of the world you are surrounded by and open your heart to new adventures and circumstances. This is most certainly one of those times.

So, I went ahead with the plans I had originally made with Cassie. A new recruit gladly took her position, and my ship date was still valid. So then I had to start making plans for a big move.

And now it's almost here!! On Tuesday I will leave for the biggest direction-change in my life. All I'm taking with me is the set of clothes I'll be wearing, the medallion I got from Aaron on our honeymoon, basic paperwork, and a calling card. Talk about traveling light!! For 8 weeks I'll be meeting challenges at boot camp, while Aaron moves to Fort Meade, where my A-school will be.

I'm hugely excited, but just today I started getting really sad about leaving Aaron. Last night I woke up crying because I was dreaming about goodbyes... :( This will be a trying time for us both. In the summer of 2008, we lived several hours apart. He worked construction and I was a camp counselor, very busy weeks. We hardly saw one another at all, but when we reunited, our relationship became several times stronger. I'm hoping for that same experience.

Another great fear that has consumed me is my terror of deep water. The idea of a deep water jump literally makes me sick. Several people have said it seems like I have some past trauma causing such deep distress around large bodies of water. I've been trying to think back, but I really don't remember being around water much at all as a kid. I wish my mom could tell me whether I'd had any such experience. That's definitely going to be one of the biggest trials to overcome during my basic training.

Other than that, I'm very much anticipating the challenges. The working out 6 days a week will help put me in the top shape of my life so far. I love book studies, so all the history of the Navy will fascinate me. Following orders with precision is something I can thank my step dad for-he beat it into me, but it's going to help in this area. And I would love a couple months of no phones, emails... a return to the days when I had 20 penpals. I can write real letters again!!

It's a crazy time where I'm waiting for a really big day to come. I'm looking forward to it eagerly, and yet at the same time I'm trying hard to make every moment last, especially the ones with Aaron. We made a 'bucket list' of all the things I wanted to do before I left Nebraska-baking bread, eating at a mexican diner, going to look at puppies, etc.-and then we did them all. We picked a puppy that we will be getting for Christmasssss:
This one! It's a little Bichon puppy. It doesn't shed, yip, or bite. Super family dog, always happy, and pretty good left alone. They don't get very big, and they are soooooo cuddly!!!

We also had to go car shopping. I've been looking for a while for a newer car to replace my little Taurus, which wouldn't survive the trip to Florida. So we looked for quite a while. I wanted something big enough to carry a small family, not sporty but not old-lady, and orange. This is the one that caught my eye and was highly approved of by Aaron:
Is it beautiful? I can tell it's a he, and a rather macho he, but in a protective way. So... almost a Bruce, except that's a tad too macho. Anyways, I do like it very much and can't wait to get out of boot camp and drive it.

Soooo... things are about to turn very good. I'm taking charge of my life and future, and it looks very bright indeed. My last few days are going like this:

Thursday/Friday, Aaron and I took a few days to shop, relax, swim, run, watch tv, snuggle, do things that married people love to do. Today we met up with Aaron's family and watched Rango-funny movie!! We'll be here till Monday. Dad Hoyt is making fajitas right now, and they smell fantastic. Monday we will return briefly to Norfolk. I have to wax my legs, because they only let us shave on weekends (howls in pain). Then I am going to tan one last time, eat a footlong (or part of one, at least) at Subway, and say goodbye to Lynne, where I'm sure I'll start crying uncontrollably.

I'm also going to the YMCA with Aaron for about an hour and attempting the jump off the diving board. (screams in terror). Then we are leaving for Omaha, where my buddy Ed and I will sign in to our hotel rooms at the military's hotel. We'll eat with our families and spend our last evening all together.

Tuesday I'll be up and at the MEPS at 5:30, checking through, and getting a few hours in with Aaron. Ed and I will swear in together around 1 pm, and then we get our airline tickets. Since Aaron is a spouse, he will get a pass through to the airline gate, where he can remain until we say our final goodbyes. And then... on to the next greatest adventure!!!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Yummy Munchies

This is Aaron and I after a 1.5 mile run. We were hungry for
munchies. Fortunately, we've been busy cooking, so we
had some delicious snacks waiting.

My favorite bread as a kid was cinnamon buttermilk
swirl bread. I made some today. Mmmm

It was Aaron's first time eating this bread. He loved it.

Also, there was this lovely cake Aaron got me. We had most
of it at our goodbye party yesterday... but we have a few
pieces left!!

So much for the 111 calories I just burned.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

On the Not-So-Still Voice Within

1. the inner sense of what is right or wrong in one's conduct or motives, impelling one toward right action: to follow the dictates of conscience.
the complex of ethical and moral principles that controls or inhibits the actions or thoughts of an individual.
-Webster's Dictionary

I've been wondering exactly what a conscience is. Especially because mine seems to be faulty.

When I was really young, mom made some kind of corncake patty thing that was nasty. It was chunky, bland, and I could not stomach it. I watched as Berea was scolded and made to sit until she had finished the meal, and instead of refusing to eat it as she had, I stealthily slipped it into my pocket. Later, while gardening out back, I dug a hole and buried my poor dead tasteless patty. And I felt absolutely no regret for doing so.

On the other hand, I had a vicious sense of justice. When my cousins came over and were instructed not to leave the backyard, it was me who convinced them that the neighbor's house was much more fun. (the boys were easily convinced, I learned, growing up. They are all fine men now; but as boys I think I got them into more than their share of trouble.) The moment they left the yard, I rushed in to tell grandma.

Many of the rules my dad enforced were met with much hostility. Wearing dresses always, even in winter? God, how awful would that be!! Leaving the church where all my best friends attended for a remote home-church, on a farm, with about 40 kids who acted far superior than me? He had to be loony. I never felt a bit of regret for hating every rule he made, and for arguing with him constantly until he was in tears and I was enraged.

Somehow, the only time I remember actually feeling guilt in my childhood was around my mom. My mother was a total saint in my eyes, the example of selflessness and holiness. With several children suffering from a hereditary bone disease, she continued to faithfully have children as God led her to do. She inspired me to be a dutiful daughter and she encouraged me when I felt as though I had no strength to please my step dad or to take yet another baby under my wing. I protected my mother fiercely, and so I was crushed whenever she was upset. When she would refuse to talk to me, or when she yelled, I cowered in total shame and disgust at myself. I would bear the criticism of one night for weeks on end, hurting myself out of despair for my soul. It was from these experiences that I came to truly sympathize with Martin Luther. "
As an Augustinian monk, Martin Luther bore the guilt of his sin. He saw God as a just God who must punish sin. As a result, Luther often starved himself and whipped himself in an effort to cleanse himself of sin."-Staupitz

Fast forward a few years. When I turned 18, I was sent to Colin and Nancy Campbell of Above Rubies. There I was trained to be a beautiful, godly young woman, and to bless others in everything I did and said. And it would have been a very fruitful time of my life, had my conscience not kicked in at that point.

My entire childhood had been a lie that my parents had supported. I'd lived to tell others how blessed my life was, when in reality I had a life from hell and I resented it. I hated my step dad and his special attentions to me. I hated that whenever I gained a friend, ties would quickly be severed from her and I would be torn. I hated the standards that left me in long pioneer dresses and with long, curly hair past my waistline. I hated everything about my life except one thing. I never held resentment against my siblings.

So when I began to enjoy the constant encouragement and energy of the Campbell sisters, Serene, Pearl and Vangie, the pain that had lay frozen for over a decade began to thaw. And I felt guilty for lying about my childhood. I also ached for them to know that my life wasn't all joy and love and happiness. I cautiously began to drop hints about the torture I endured at home. And I was met with utmost sympathy. I started to find a hidden side of me at that place; a me that could sing and enjoyed to. A girl who could create a paradise with her imagination and keep children transfixed for hours with stories. And then my family found out what I'd been saying, and the whole world collapsed.

I became nothing, living inside a shell of someone who was racked with pain. I tried once more in the following year to tell the truth to my dearest friend, a dear older lady I met at church. And she promised that she would believe me no matter what, but I was a fool to believe that. My mom swept in again, this time traveling up to Tennessee on her whirlwind of justice, told the people of Franklin the 'truth' about my step dad's honorable reputation and my lying nature and attention-starved personality. Once again I was left with absolutely nothing. This time I felt no shame. No guilt.

Actually, I felt nothing whatsoever, until six months later. Mom had brought me home, but my step dad said he didn't want me in the house, so she lovingly left me at a park in town to find myself a place to stay. I stayed in the park for a few days, not caring about anything, until my mom's best friend Lynne learned of my situation and took me to her house. Lynne was my savior. Not only did she love me when my own mother couldn't find it in herself to do so, but while mom was out running around with her new boyfriend, leaving step dad angry at me and howling to Lynne about how I wrecked the home, I told her the truth about my step dad-and she believed me. Instantly, she said that she had no doubt in her mind that he had hurt me in unspeakable ways. That was the day I began to live again. Three weeks later, I met Aaron and thanks to Lynne, I was able to smile at him and begin our beautiful friendship that is now my life.

When all of that happened, in the fall of 2007, a new conscience was born inside me. A new sense of justice, as well. Now that I had permission to be very angry at my step dad, I chose to forgive him. The one person who inspired so much in me, my mom, now inspired some things that I'd never felt toward her-anger. Betrayal. I felt so hurt by what my mom had done to me my entire life. I still felt protective towards her, as she appealed to my old heart strings and pitifully told me how in pain she was, but I no longer viewed her as perfect. I felt sick knowing she had known that her kids were racked with a disease that she carried, and yet she kept bringing more disabled kids into the world to suffer. I felt a lot of other things too, a bit at a time, as I became truly aware of details I had never paid attention to in my lust for love from her.

Now? Now I have a sense of conscience that's nothing like it was, but it's stronger when I feel something is truly wrong. One day in the mall, I tried on an outfit that cost way too much and regretted it instantly, because it looked fabulous. I thought how it would feel to just walk out of the store wearing it under my clothes. My first reaction was of guilt that I had even thought of such a solution. I ended up leaving it, of course, and Aaron, my sweet man, brought it home to me that night, having bought it after I left. Win-win!!

But things that seemingly inspired guilt for my parents don't affect me. My conscience hasn't bothered me now that I wear jeans almost every single day-and not jean skirts, either. I didn't feel a single pang of guilt when I cut my hair shorter than my husband's, and highlighted it too! When people ask if I plan on having a big family too, I can groan with a clean conscience, roll my eyes, and announce, "God, NO. Two at the most, and my anklebiters are going to public school!!!" while my husband nods enthusiastically.

So what is conscience? What makes some things so right for some people and yet a sin worthy of hell for others? Why can I drink alcohol with no regrets but some can't? Is conscience an innate instinct that knows what is good or bad for you, like whether you could become an alcoholic or not? Is it truly a moral compass, or is that a compass of societal pressure? Does it really become impossible to hear, like my step dad said, when you choose not to listen to it? Or is it that things that made you feel guilty simply don't apply anymore when you're grown?

Nothing makes one so vain as being told one is a sinner. Conscience makes egotists of us all. -Oscar Wilde