Saturday, December 5, 2009

Inside My Head, Installment #1

I'm up earlier than I really wanted to be. It is usually nice to be the first one up, but today I'm just plain tired.

Last night the choir groups at school had an away concert, and we were gone for that from 4-10. Really good time, though. I had a duet which went off well. It's so fun to watch the Men's Ensemble, mostly. All the little things that they do... Joe with his lips barely moving. Josh with a grin at all times. Dane and Cameron sport matching red faces in the top left. My favorite is Grady, though. He looks like he just got put in the middle of a group of people he doesn't know, and he stares around, petrified, as he sings. I LOVE it!

Sometimes I wish I could see what people really thought. Then I changed my mind cause I probably don't want to know. I'd rather know what I think people think of me. It might be more flattering. Or not.

If I had coconut smelling stuff, I'd wear it a lot. I love it.

All I want for Christmas is as follows: A vest from Shopko, I think. Converse Shoes. Boots, like the slipper/really soft kind everyone is wearing. Soft blanket? A PUPPY. Long sleeve shirts are cool. Gift cards are always awesome, to wherever. The Buckle would be a good place to get a gift card cause I love the jeans but they cost SO much.

I used to be a huge fan of Jesus. Then I became indifferent but respectful of him. Now I've decided I'm not a fan. He makes for a good excuse for a lot of people to do a lot of things they shouldn't. Like hating homosexuals. Which is to me the same thing as Southerners wanting slaves. It's discrimination. I used to be judgemental in the name of Jesus. So did my step dad. And he used Jesus to molest me, too. So I don't like Jesus that much anymore.

When I do talk about my real feelings these days, I get bashed. I used to hate that, but now I guess I'm used to it. I know how I feel, and I can't change it to make people happy. I still respect those people who love Jesus. But he is not my kind of myth. I would rather go with a flying spaghetti monster, or better yet, nothing at all.

Today I'm doing a tkd testing. I hope I can get to a new rank cause yellow belts are sad, and very low. I have a secret for you. Now that I'm a new person, I'm doing alot of new things that are fun and exciting. I got a tattoo, for instance. It's funny how my music teacher didn't freak out, and my mom loved it, but I hear that my boyfriend's family might be more opposed to it. So maybe I'll just keep my back covered around them. Oh wait...I already do. I also colored my hair green, then red, then back again. The weirdest thing to me is that I used to think I was immune to intimacy. It reminded me of my step dad. But now I feel the same as other young humans do, and it's kind of unfortunate. It makes me want to get married and get in the baby making business. It's a strange, dark magic to look at guy friends I've known all my life and feel a new sensation of 'wow, he's good looking...' I'll leave it at that and let you think my mind is just that innocent. I have no idea what to do with these new feelings. I guess I should go to counseling again. I'll go call her right now.

Okay, so back to my thoughts. I kind of really want to eat something taco.

My tattoo, in case you wondered, is a yin yang with dolphins around it. It has a lot of meaning to me. The dolphins are purple. When I'm rich I'm going to have a pet dolphin. The tattoo hurts now cause it's covered in scabs. My reallly good friend had a baby last weekend. I really want to go see it.

I could think of more things to say. Like talk about meeting Dane's dad at the concert last night, or about Ethan making dirty jokes. But I kinda want to be done for now and go get ready for my martial arts jazz.

Oh, and I'm getting a kitty. Pictures to come!


Katie said...

Hey Girl, I really wish we could have come to the concert. I had so much fun at the last one I went to. My church had practice for the Live Nativity that I am in, and I couldn't cut it. Hope to see you soon though.