Monday, December 21, 2009

Inside My Head, Installment #3

I love being out of town; there is a certain peace about knowing I'll waste gas if I just run out, so I get to justify hanging out all day doing nothing.

I didn't even wake up until 11 am. When I did get up, I read books, moved Aaron's stuff, Hung up stuff, posted pictures, and did nothing until 6:30. Then I had to go to my little sister's concert. About that... I learned something tonight. Our 3rd grade homeschool choir was impressionably better than Norfolk's Junior High choir. Not only did we know how to harmonize, but we were using sign language to emphasize our songs.

I was in LOVE with my choir teacher. Memories of her are my favorite from my childhood. She used to have long, beautiful hair, and if I whispered in her ear, it would fall all over my upturned face. Kind of weird that I remember it so clearly, but I was in love with her voice, and everything else about her. So... yeah.

A few friends and I also watched the Princess and the Frog tonight, and it was beyond amazing. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to watch a super movie. I loved every second of it. Half the time, I was comparing characters in the movie to people in past Disney animations ("look, it's Edgar from Aristocats!!!"), and the other half I was wishing they would remake all the old movies to look as great as this one.

Want to hear some really deep thoughts I've been having... since it is so close to Christmas, I had to think about what I would do this holiday. I kind of thought about going to church, but besides that, I had no ideas. My mom is probably doing nothing, she is having Christmas burnout, apparently, and the kids went to their dad's. So I'm out a family for Christmas. Not like I had to be, I suppose. Because Aaron's family invited me to theirs.

Problem is, I felt something towards his family that scared me away big time. A few months ago, Aaron's dad was filling up my car tire, and he said that since I was one of his kids now, he was going to do car upkeep for me. And that, coupled with an amazing summer with his mom and dad, stirred up a lot of fond emotions inside me like an explosion.

Bad, bad idea.

That night I had a dream I was still with the Campbells. I woke up crying, but the memories kept rushing in. One of the Campbell girls was married to a cowboy, a true Southern, gentle, man. He was a quiet, unassuming, big protective bear. And I saw in him what I had always wanted in a dad. My idea of a good dad was this guy right here:
His name is Guy Penrod. And this guy was a lot like him. He was my father figure-in my dreams. But one day (in real life!), he was introducing his family, and he turned to me and told his friends, "and this is my oldest girl, Angel. I used to say I would only have 5 kids, but I adopted our 6th because she is my daughter in my heart." Oh snap. I melted into a bliss.

Guess what? He's not around anymore. My mom and her 'religion' messed that all up for me. He got scared of our family and never tried to talk to me again after I moved away. It was a hell on Earth, but then, I was used to that back then.

Not now. I would rather die all alone than be rejected like that again. I don't need a dad. I don't WANT a dad. So why does it bother me so much? It's because I know deep down that I'm bullshitting myself. I know I still want a father. How many times have I been tortured by thoughts of my wedding day and the fact that I'll walk down the aisle alone? How often have I wished I had a dad to talk to about Aaron, and guy stuff, and just to love? And to me, Aaron's dad seems to be made of really good dad material. I'd love to be his kid, to have any dad who cared that much.

So, that makes it a little awkward for me when I'm around his family anymore. Because I start caring too much. I'm trying to convince myself I need to be a loner. I like giving off the appearance of being strong and alone. I wish I could pull it off more convincingly. I'm rather fond of being alone the more I do it, though. Isolation builds the loner in me. Christmas break should help with that, since everyone is gone or busy.

Kind of weird how some freindships work out. Without naming anyone, here's how one has gone just recently: friends for about 6 months, then more like brother and sister for a year, then practically lovers for a month or two, to suddenly cut off. Gone. Out of the picture; but then back again, suddenly, in a weird, choppy way. Streaks of caramel in and out my life.

If you think that's a weird relationship, consider this one: Starts with close friends for about 1 1/2 years. Turns into him thinking of me as girlfriend material while I view him as a father figure. Grows into us dating. Cools down to friends again. Boils up to his rage and my panic. Cut off completely for about 6 months. Out of nowhere, emerging again. Tentative friends, then suddenly heats up to a really smoking passion. Huh. That was weird. And for the first time it's my turn to view him as less than perfect. Wonder what comes next? Cobalt shimmers, faint and far away.

I like the steady, nonstop loving relationships. The kind with a cerise hue. The kind that says Aaron Lee all over it. As long as I have him, I can pretend I'm a good loner, cause all the friendship I need, all the trust I ask for, I can find in him. Without him, I'd be lost somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

Time to stop thinking deep and start thinking happy Christmas thoughts. Here's my kitten:
Isn't Ember Rose sweet!?! Her color is mango, if you wanted to know. What a cutie. I'm going to go eat some Honey Buzzers (It's a cereal.)


Becca said...

Hey Angel, just stumbled across your blog today and I'm finding it very interesting! That cat of yours is just adorable. Hope you have a wonderful Christmas Holiday this weekend :)