Thursday, December 24, 2009


I wish that there were a huge celebration for all the family-less people in the world. Not only the ones who physically have families, but also for those who just have been displaced.

This time of year used to be my absolute favorite. My mom made sure to go all out with decor, singing, and general merry-making. We would never make less than 6 dozen cookies. Christmas spirit had a huge influence on me. Once my aunt came 3 hours to stay with us after getting in a huge fight with her husband. That Christmas, my step dad was stressed, and he and my aunt screamed all the way through the holiday. And I still loved it. Even the year I was 10, when my mom was hugely fat and pregnant, and Warren was intolerable, I remember making cookies with the midwife's daughter and having a blast, almost ignoring his mood.

As the one good memory from my childhood, this holiday stubbornly holds a special spot in my heart. Which is why now, despite everything I've done to protect myself, my heart feels like a hole was punched into the middle of it.

Because this year, there is no Christmas. The kids put up a tree, but well over half the decorations we always put up are gone. Christmas cards were not sent, and there are no cookies. The children are all gone to Lincoln.

Two nights ago, my sister and I went shopping for the little ones and each other. It was the most Christmas spirit I've shared this winter. We put aside our differences and watched a movie, made the peanut butter cookies with a Hershey's kiss in the middle, and wrapped presents. I think between the 2 of us, we could keep Christmas alive in our family, if we really tried.

My boyfriend called to tell me how many gifts he got for Christmas. Now he's at his grandparent's, getting ready for some really amazing food and 'quality family time'. Our new housemate told me that his parents give him 'some $500' to buy his own gifts. My friends from long ago are at their house right now, playing with the one present each that they let the kids open early.

I'm sure if they knew what that did to me, they wouldn't tell me. Or they would invite me to partake in their festivities. Which is touching, but like I've tried explaining, I would be the outsider no matter what way you looked at it. Christmas is totally a family thing.

That's why I propose a family-less people's Christmas. Where we can all cry a little bit, and miss our families. Where we can talk about how alone we would be if we didn't have each other. And then we could all eat a good supper, open some gifts, and commence in merry-making and laughter.

It hurts more the more I think about it, so I'm going to pull myself together now. Remind myself that it could be much worse, and then make some brownies and watch a movie or scoop some snow or something. Merry Christmas, my dear readers! I'll be back to my normal, composed self on December 26th.


Grace said...

It has been really interesting, the way Christmas has changed as I've gotten older. It definitely has lost the same magic it held when I was a child.

The way I've found to recapture some of those good feelings I used to have has been to volunteer. The best Christmases I've had have been the ones when I've spent the day serving Christmas lunch at my local charity. There is laughter, camaraderie and a lot of love.

Merry Christmas to you. I hope you have a nice day, whatever you end up doing.

Becca said...

Oh Angel, you said it best! It's been a horrible Christmas Eve here. Spending it with my Step family is just unbearable. It's just depressing, and I always feel left out. Every year I wish to just totally skip over this holiday. Wish I could have better experiences with it. Maybe when I have my own family in the future, I will enjoy it more. Anyway, whatever you decide to do tomorrow, I hope you enjoy it :) Happy Holiday's!

Anonymous said...

I know.