Sunday, October 17, 2010

Inside My Head, Installment #12

I found a new favorite artist. His name is Jaron Wood. He sings the new fun song 'Pray For You', which has become a huge hit in the Midwest US. I haven't heard a song of his I don't love. 'Meantime Girl' is the sweetest brief glimpse. 'Beautiful To Me' became my new favorite song, and it sounds like a more lyrical version of something Candy Man would say to me. :) 'If Happy For You Means I Hate You' is really funny, with a note of derision. When I have money, I am buying Jaron's new album. Doesn't that sound typical of my generation??

Instant gratification. That's something we expect. And it's funny how annoying we can be at attaining it. With our idealistic, fresh notions, we expect to conquer the world in it's pulverized condition, making it new and beautiful. But maybe the focus should be individual. That's another trait of Millennials. We think that individual values are the main priority over social pressure. This may be just because of the overwhelming pressure that the GenXers had to deal with. In a really idealistic time, we chose to settle for reality. And I think that may be a big stressbuster in the end. Cause I don't want to be the ideal, like my family tried to be. I just want to be happy. Truly happy, not giving the appearance of happiness.

I got sick right after the wedding. It started with a stomachache right after I ate anything. No problem, I thought, I just won't eat. I started a liquid diet, which usually cures stomach bugs for me. Except this is day 5 of that fast and I still can't keep food down. I'm starting to wonder if the bugs are getting nastier? Grr. We have a ton of wedding food left over, and I can't eat it. Hopefully soon it goes away.

With that in mind,
This is a real achievement. I tested for my high green belt today. I barely made it through floor exercises and had to sit down, shaking. After a while I felt better, so I went up to free-spar. I had to spar with a black belt. That was a ton of fun. Again, I finished exhausted. My form was spot on. At the end, my instructor asked if I was nervous-he was afraid I was going to faint. I told him I was just really hungry and weak and sick. He was impressed. :) I got my tape with pride and now I'm excited to learn my blue belt forms!! Yay.

I miss these people right here:

Mostly the girl on my right. I just call her Mine. She's in the Air Force. She and I met at summer camp years ago. I smashed a pear in her eye, and she retaliated with ravioli or something. Then I scared her because I had that look of infallible rage on my face (mixed with tomato sauce). She ran away from me. Now we are best friends. She's learning Russian, and since we are one, I'm learning it too. Pojoluista.

She was, in fact, my Maid of Honor. And at night we were cuddle-buddies. Her gift to me was a weekend in a cabin, just her and me. We're going for our joint birthday present. I think we will bring movie series and watch them, and cook yummy hot food, and apple cider, and cookies, and maybe go out and be brave in the cold. Because she's kick-ass that way. Mahwah.

The crazy guy? Oh, that's James. What? I met him at singing school. No, he doesn't live here. He's my Georgia contact. I make it a point to have a good friend in every state, so when I start running like Forrest, I have pit stops with BFFs. He's a goofy character. Broseph!

Today Candy Man and I went walking in the leaves. I love walking in Autumn, with him, because we both enjoy going out of our way to step on the extra-crunchy leaves, and that usually leads to shoving, and maybe tickling, and ends with kissing and laughing. The old neighbor two doors down squints as we walk by, shakes her head, and mutters in disgust. I would too if I were her. We're so in love, sometimes it's sick.

As we walked, we talked. It's interesting to talk to him, because his perception of the world is so new to me. Since we started dating, we've thrown out new ideas for our relationship. I'm not going to swear it will last, but I really think that we have the kind of companion love that will keep us together for many, many years. We're just best friends who hold a lot of common interests. I respect him implicitly. It's SO refreshing to respect a man because he earned it!

I'm really grateful that I got away from my mom's mindset. It's sad because the NLQ people (as a stereotype-the people from mom's forum) seem to have an aversion to men. It's so feminist that it's becoming terribly sad for half the population. I cannot imagine living a life of bitterness towards males. I understand there are a lot of them who were raised wrong, or have wrong values, or never learned to communicate, or deal with anger. But there are some really amazing guys out there still! My dear friend Ethan, a cowboy with boots made for dancing and a heart the size of Texas that is faithful and brave. My Rainbow Boy with his tainted worldview and his passionate resolve. Dane, the redheaded lion whose gave his heart away to a sweet girl and never asked for it back, and melts at the sight of her. Aaron's grandpa, an example of faithfulness with a slightly confused exterior and the good natured heart of a Nebraska bred man. I can't resist the hope that better creatures than women exist in men. I find many women's 'worst traits' to be far less tolerable than men's.

I wrote an awesome paper on Lust. I'll post it here Tuesday, after reading it in class. It took about 40 minutes to write, but I feel like a genius whispered the whole thing into my ear and I just free-handed it. I LOVE papers that come out that way! They are always the best quality.

Candy Man and I are leaving on our honeymoon Wednesday. I will get pictures of as much as you want to see and post them! I'm excited-mountains and autumn weather... mmm. Then we will get back and plunge into the final half of the semester.

I have more to say, but I have to go try and eat first. I'll leave you with the sad piece of news I discovered this morning: Life is a fatal STD. I heard that from a friend in a dream I had, and I laughed. :)


Bessie said...

The women in the quiverfull movement may be oppressed, but in today's world, they themselves bear part of the blame for this. Like your mother, many of these women were exposed to other options, and made the choice to follow the path of patriarchy. Ergo I believe both women and men are to blame for such things. I am glad you have found some healthy men to be around who are worthy of respect. Best wishes in your relationship with your new husband.

Sierra said...

Hi Angel. I've been reading through some of your recent thoughts since the NLQ debacle and my own situation (I'll explain in a moment) have made me rethink a lot of things I've said and thought over there in the past several months. I'm really sorry if you were hurt by any of my early presumptions - I know now that I had no idea what was really going on.

I recently came to the understanding that my mother has been the one pulling the strings in my own abusive family for the whole damn time. I thought it was my dad who was abusive, plain and simple. I should know anything that seems plain and simple is automatically wrong. She's the one who brought me to restaurants to stalk him with his new girlfriend and refused to let him go after a bloody divorce. She's the one trying to get me to have a relationship with him against my will. She's been pulling the strings all this time with her belief that God is going to "restore her marriage." And stupid little I thought I could actually help her get away from him - hell, I should have helped him get away from her. :(

I think quiverfull attracts a certain type of woman, who wants to be in charge and needs justification for it, even if that justification means claiming to be "submissive" and "obedient." My mother thinks that because she never engages in confrontation that she's the "nice," "holy," "godly" one. Never mind that she's covertly manipulating everyone into round holes without caring that they're square pegs. Not her responsibility - she's just doing what God wants, right?? Better take it up with the dude in the sky.

Anyway, I know where you're getting the idea that NLQ is full of misandrists. Your mother posted a thread saying "I hate men" a long time ago, and doubtless some people agreed with her. I, for one, don't. It took me years, actually, to see any value in women - the only decent people I knew were men. Then I realized that patriarchy is more than just men having power - it's a set of roles that make pathetic caricatures out of everyone. It makes men domineering and women manipulative. It tells us we can never just be who we were meant to be. Please don't call the misandrists feminists - I'm a feminist, and that's because I want all of us to have a shot at living free, authentic lives without stupid rules telling us someone has to be in charge and someone else has to submit.

The water at NLQ has really changed, and I'm trying to bob around on the shore and figure out what to do. I still believe in telling my story for the sake of other girls, and I think that project is bigger than the politics of the blogosphere. I'm glad you're living your life and saying what you need to say. Congratulations on your wedding! In a few years I'll get married too... and probably without any of my family, either. Here's to trying to live. I hope it's not hopeless.

Angel Renee said...

Thanks, Sierra! The fact that anyone can relate to the struggle I'm dealing with gives me a lot of hope. I never viewed my mom as anything but perfect until just the past year. Now I see that as much as Warren was an abuser, Mom was an enabler. And she has apologized for getting us into Quiverfull, but never for enabling him to hurt me as horribly as he did. That bothers me.

I understand what you are saying about feminists. I'm sorry I didn't word that well. I didn't really think it through that thoroughly. I too could be considered a feminist, so I kind of shot myself down with that one!

Best of luck to you. To every hurting survivor of life and parents! Sierra, I've read your posts on my mom's blog and they have encouraged me greatly. :)