Thursday, October 28, 2010

Generational Curses, and Bear Lake

When I was visiting Bear Lake in Colorado, I was texting a family member. We started discussing family curses. It made me start thinking, and I came up with a few significant ones.

Weak self control seems to run in my family. The women can't think for themselves, and the men can't display any level of integrity. That's a problem. Almost all the women in my family were/are involved with dangerous men. It's heartbreaking. I was talking with my friend Gloria today. It seems to us that there are two types of women. The first would be the ones who desperately need an organized belief system or they get hopelessly lost. Those people keep going back to abusers, try out new religions, and swing back and forth like pendulums on a clock. They seem to literally
repel healthy individuals, including their own sons and daughters, and simply cling to those who are hopelessly lost themselves. Like the old saying, misery loves company. Then there are those who are ACTUALLY independent, and who can choose to change their situation. Gloria will hopefully comment on this and give you a little more insight in what I mean.

Another curse that runs in our family seems to be the abusive relationships. Some of the women marry men who batter them, physically beating them with pointy-toed boots and strangling them for petty reasons. Then there are the ones who marry men who are neglectful-they just sit around and do drugs, ignore the kids, and are basically useless. And then the type that I was raised with-the ones who emotionally, physically and sexually batter the
children, never once touching the mother but doing savage harm to the helpless ones instead. Those are the sickest, most messed up mother%@$#!* I've ever met.

And, finally, the curse of shunning children. It's a sad but true fact. Younger children beware, one day it may happen to you. It's happened to several of us. Warren was a victim of it, and a few of my aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and now me. You notice the subtle shift of attitude when you walk into the room. Your family members begin to constantly harass you, convincing you that nothing you do is good enough. With me, it started when I found a young man who actually was healthy and really a gentleman. Certain people in my family became jealous, others vindictive. And now, here I am, an orphan in every sense of the word, except somehow not quite.

Now, some family members did TRY to get past their issues. I'll give them that. I got some sweet graduation and wedding gifts, gift cards from people who I know were short on money, and a bottle of wine that we loved. And that shocked and touched me. That those same people would turn around and spread lies about me online? That leaves me very hurt and confused. It's been a long road to where I am now, with a lot of tears and heartache.
The curses remain. I know I'm not the last child to be estranged. I have a brother who I'm almost certain is being treated in the same way I was, and he may end up like me. If the fates allow it, he's going to have more support than I did from the start, because he'll have me. I have amazing support now, from the most unexpected places!

I hope this doesn't sound like I'm bashing any woman. Or man. This is just my opinion and my personal experience. I'm in no place to judge, and I'm happy with that. I mean no one any malice, because I understand that life is seriously too short to spend any amount of time being mad or anything else. It's a waste of time. My grandpa C is really old and frail, and my family is putting me through the torture of not seeing him. They know how much that hurts me-my Queen Mum friend from Tennessee died without me getting to say goodbye and it tore me to pieces. This will be worse. My grandma isn't that young either. And my younger siblings and I have about 80 years on average to be together. That's not long. By ripping me away from them and refusing contact, certain people know they are piercing me with excruciating precision at the very heart.

And those were the thoughts I shared with Candy Man up on the cold mountain. And he held me tight and told me that such things were gut-wrenching. But we can not lose sight of what we have in the face of what we've lost. And here's what I have:

Friends... And...
And last but NOT least...
I consider myself lucky.