Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Bittersweet

I woke up reflecting. Today is four days away from my dream wedding, the day I officially unite my life to Candy Man. It's a great day, and a horrible one.

As a kid I never had to worry about who was going to give me away. I was pretty sure I wouldn't even really pick my won husband. My step dad would take care of it all, and all I had to do was be there in my simple white dress.

It sucks knowing that it won't be that easy. My father-in-law is going to walk me down, and be my father in the parent's dance. That's beautiful. and tragic, for a 'daughter of the King'.

Still, this is an even better wedding than I hoped for. My dress is resplendent! My best friends will stand with me and I can't imagine living life and loving anyone more than I do him. There will be singing, and dancing, and joy, and laughter, and much merriment.

And at the same time? An overlying shadow of regret. Why did our family have to fall apart weeks before my marriage? There is no way I could postpone the big day, and I think it would not happen for years if I did put it off until we all reconciled.

It's the saddest day I can remember. Andrew wanted to give me away. Part of me is screaming, why did you have to do it, mom? I still could have had a beautiful day with all of you there. Even if Warren is gone, and I'm glad he is, that doesn't mean I wanted to lose all of you too!

I guess we all have pain. And we all share joy. The point of my post is to express both, deeply and honestly. This is the moment I will remember all my life. This is the agony of being ripped away from all you knew and loved. This is the joy of uniting with a new love and passion. This... is all my opinion.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Angel, I hope you have a beautiful day, hun.

vanessa said...

I know that it is none of my business- but there is nothing wrong with postponing your wedding. It doesn't mean that your mother wins, or that you don't trust your husband to be. It means that you're putting everything from the past to rest so that you can go into your future together with resolve. I know it's hard with the deposits and everything, but I think it would be so worth it not to have this overshadow the joy of your union. Take from it what you will, but as a stranger who has read a little of your story, I wish you nothing but happiness.

Not a Fundie said...

1) She said the therapist reported him because he was "predatory." She basically said "since it was obvious that he is guilty, they HAD to report it right away." I have experience in social services. When a minor mentions any kind of abuse IT MUST BE REPORTED. Even if the therapist thinks abuse is unlikely, whether predatory or not, it is mandatory to report it.

2) The way our mother described things, she would have me believe your husband came after Lydia and Hazelle. But your sisters were about 14 and 16 when this occured. He was about 18. Abuse is investigated on a case by case basis. From my understanding, your sisters are adjusting well socially, and have never shown themselves to be afraid or uncomforable around your husband. They are dating, doing okay in school, and aren't acting out in ways that would suggest abuse. They are also close enough to their mom (although this may not have been true in 2005) to tell her if someone is hurting them.
Maybe something did occur between them and your husband. But IMO, that is more of your husband cheating (sorry) than being an abuser. And that raises the question of why your sisters would do something like that with their sister's boyfriend, and tell her about it AFTER she is engaged to him.

3) How can your MOTHER not attend your wedding? Even if something did occur, that shouldn't stop her from being there on the happiest and most important day of her daughter's life. There is a way to protect some of her daughters while being there for the other.

4) Your mother is acting like he is gulity, when she's admitted to not investigating the situation fully. She is basically saying that since the authorities have yet to dismiss the case as "unfounded" (which I am sure they will eventually) that means that he did it. Gulity until proven otherwise? Um no.

Not a Fundie said...

5) She knows how much it means to you to have Andrew walk you down the aisle, but now he won't be able to do it.

6)Your mom acts like she is so concerned over your "rapid weight loss" and says that size 4 at 5'6 is unhealthy. It's not. You look great. Not to mention all the stress that SHE has put upon you, in addition to working, martial arts, attending school, preparing for the navy, and planning your wedding. If I had to do all that at once I would explode! lol. It sounds like she's a little jealous that you've lost some extra weight you didn't need in the first place.

7) These various things have me doubting your mother's mental stability. She tries to paint you as unstable and tortured on her blog, even after all you have overcome, and recently been dealing with. She tried to shut down your other blog for telling "lies" but i read that blog, and you are just writing about your past from your perspective. And wouldn't that be something to be dealt with personally, not through attorneys? Plus, She only mentions in passing that she is proud that you are going into the Navy. It seems she doesn't want to focus on all the good things you are doing.

8) This last one is the most important. Your husband is basically a public figure, since he's been featured on television and in popular blogs. Many people know his first and last name, where he lives, goes to school, what he looks like, etc. How can your mother post allegations so publically that haven't been fully investigated? Doesn't she know how much this can ruin his reputation...for life, ESPECIALLY if they aren't even true?!?

I really feel for you April. I wish you the best, and am inspired by your focus on the positive despite those you try to break you.

I agree that going into the Navy will give you some much needed distance. Just remember that since you are an adult, you can be in control of the relationship you have with your mother. You can choose when, if and how often you talk to her, although she may try to convince you otherwise. Don't let her influence the way you think, feel, and live your life. She obviously doesn't have your best interests in mind. Sitck to your gut and draw advice/opinions from people who truly care about you. Although people can change, don't sit around waiting and hoping for her to. Remember that you are doing alot of good in your life and that with time (and therapy) you will heal and be able to move forward.

Not a Fundie said...

oops. I think I posted that about 6 times. sorry. I thought google wasn't wroking right.

Angel Renee said...

Not a Fundie... thanks for your input on that whole letter she wrote...

At this point, anything I say would be a reaction to what I just read, so I'll refrain from most of it. I will say that her appeal to a whole lot of people who have never met my husband really doesn't make sense. What matters is that all of the people closest to Aaron and to my family have made their choices based on their experience with us, and they respect Aaron a lot.

My love for Aaron is strong and unshaken. I know dangerous men. The women in my family have been with a few of them in my time, and the refreshing trust and complete respect I have for my man is 100% different from the fearful and wary childhood I had.

Right now I'm feeling very shaken by this, and I think I'm gonna go run... thanks everyone who has said a kind word though! I don't wish anything but for this to be over.

vanessa said...

I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were already legally married. Then there's really no reason not to go ahead with the ceremony. I'm so sorry this has cast a pall on the celebration.

barefootbetsy said...

I am so sorry that you're going through this with your family. Especially at such a joyous time!

You don't know me, but I've followed your story a bit and want to wish you all the best with your wedding and that somehow things can be patched up with (or at least, no more open hostilities from) your family eventually <3

Anonymous said...

Have also followed your story. Why not walk down the aisle with two of your best maids just a step off to your side and behind you? It would be quite beautiful. Or do it the Scandinavian way; the bride and groom walk down the aisle together.

Or be met by the groom halfway down the aisle to walk the rest of the way. That's what the future queen of Sweden did this past summer.

Hope you have a fabulous day. I was an autumn bride too. Great time of year.