I don't know what inspires me to write to people who are dead. Maybe it's just cause you aren't dead to me. I never believed you were anything but a strong, undefeated champion of alive. That's what heroes do. They stick around forever.
If you were able to talk to me on the phone, we'd be talking about some different topics than we used to. Like boys, and jobs. Boring stuff. But somehow, I've gotten big like you, and started messing with grown up stuff. Silly me. I miss calling you to complain that my bike is broken, and dad won't fix it, or sighing about mom being pregnant AGAIN, while you had a mini fit of rage (Oh my god, again??!). You knew how to make me smile.
You would have been by my side last year, taking pictures as I swore into the Navy and my new future. And I kind of think you were anyway. I think you popped a button off your jacket when you were doing your bursting with pride thing. Ah Grandpa, I love you! You burst with pride just because I breathed. Because my eyes were blue. Because I could read One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish to you. Because I was a boss big sister.
I love knowing I was your baby girl. I snuck into your big, hardened heart (like a chief!) and melted it like no one had done, maybe ever. I saw you transform from a man of steel, from the beast that everyone respected, to the man that this little girl loved. You made me your life. I never felt threatened by the presence of little siblings, because you assured me that I was your whole heart.
I'm thinking about the times dad used to convince me that you weren't a good man, that you were someone I must avoid. He told me you were an alcoholic, a cynic, that you would only turn me off the path that was best for my life. You laughed him off, and I never once considered his words to be true. The only time I ever saw you dead serious was when you were telling me that I could be anything I wanted, and not to let anyone, even god, stand in my way. Because god wouldn't hold back what I wanted most. And it made more sense than anything I ever learned about god.
Point? You were the best man I ever knew. I've yet to find someone who will hold my heart as perfectly as you. You are in my heart, and I think of you daily. I love you, so so much, and if there is any way I can ever see you again, rest assured I will.