Saturday, November 26, 2011

Inside My Head-A Somewhat Terrifying Adventure.

I wish I could describe how I see humanity.

All those that live are precious, amazing miracles. They each have been given a set of circumstances that they react to in their own way. And it makes all of them-all of you-worthy of nothing short of fascination.

Take random members of my family. There's my uncle, who I have always viewed as very calm and soothing. He's a free spirit, doesn't care about anything too much... And I haven't seen him since I was thirteen, I think. I'm filed with wistful affection when I think of him. As much as other family members are angry, I only remember good about him. And I want an uncle Jimmy hug and kiss.

Then there's my brother. He's thirteen now, and I've become almost a little afraid of him, but not really. I just think the world of him and want him to trust me explicitly. So I try harder than I ever have to be the right amount of funny and savvy. Of course, on base I'm with boys about five years older than him, and I don't have to worry-they love me. I guess I care so much about Andrew that I try that much harder around him!

Skip to my step dad. Okay. So much to sort through. He's my nemesis, but it's true that he isn't that smart. And people who have less than me break my heart. So I can't hate him. When I see pictures of him, something in me squeezes painfully. I want to hug him and thank him for his passion, even though it hurt me so much. At least he gave a fuck. He's only human. See what I mean? When you look at humanity, there isn't room for hatred. Just a sad, ancient pain.

And my mom? Fuck, I don't know. I remember a lively little woman telling me stories as I weeded the garden. I remember her eagerly explaining new Christmas traditions. I remember her love for literature, a love she passed on to me. I can recall her making beautiful projects, a lovely flowing rose colored dress for me. Laughing as my sister
And I cut out cookies. Playing songs as I danced. She was the heart of our home.

Last summer I destroyed her. Granted, I was reeling with the shock of her spiritual demise. I didn't know why I had lived a lie my entire life, especially one I hated so thoroughly. So I viciously rejected her, because I didn't understand.

Now my heart bleeds for her. My sweet mom, always passionate, caring for others... I ruined that. I made a sad, hollow shell. I'll never forgive myself for clinging to the man I found and walking away from the one woman who never spared loving me. Her whole life was about me. Thanks to social ideas, we didn't get the dream life she strove
To attain for me.

How about my own life? I'm stuck here with a boy I had to cut ties with because he is nothing like what I married. I'm a constant study for coworkers. I'll say, "I speak my mind," and then they tell me they already know, they watch me and they list of a few more traits I didn't realize were so obvious. Mostly, I've given up caring, living to achieve personal goals. I danced with a sailor last night, and he wanted to take it further. In the past, I would be eager to please my new friend. As it was, I've not been too active lately, so I was agreeable... But I realized I just didn't feel like it, and oh by the way, I don't care... I opted for singing at the top of my voice with one of my new best friends.

I like my singing friends. They are the kind I can be myself around. Colton and I, for instance, shouted lyrics just because we could, and I trust him literally more than anyone I know. My choir friends all try to get to choir early, because if we have time, we play guitars and song lyrics that make us grin like fools. My
New roommate was shy, until I started playing some Michael Buble, and now she is another best friend.

I guess I've been a little shocked lately at the events of this year. Aaron turned out to have a side that really hurts. Then, I met a group of people, and we became each others sport through the dramatic summer. We didn't all stay friends. In the end, it was down to myself and two men, and we formed a trio. Then one left for Texas. That was horribly painful, cause this training command is a harsh enviroment and you learn to lean on each other. Finally, the other man drifted away, and somehow even though I wasn't terribly close, that ended up hurting a lot more, and that pain engulfed me.

I've never had that happen before. It's not an obsession, but it's in the back of my mind and at the base of a lot of things I do. It makes me miss the old Aaron. It inspires art and writings that display raw emotion. Maybe it's the fact that I'm finally alive and I've never felt so keenly. I've been getting counseled by a military service, and it's done wonders. But some nights I wake up wishing I could go
Back to September, and the most complete days of my life.

And in the end, all this inside me comes together so perfectly. It creates a more wholesome me than has ever been assembled. It's fairly well balanced, secure, sad, wise, young, eager, apathetic, and content.

That's your irregular update on me. Go to town. I think everyone should be able to relate to something. I'm pretty typical that way. Scorpio!


shadowspring said...


Tapati said...

I'm glad you reconnected with your family. I hope you get to enjoy Christmas with them. I know it was hard to miss out on that last year.