I thought I had left it there
Far behind, in the recesses of my darkest heart
Deep enough that I wouldn't feel it again.
Because I am not a woman; that is, my emotions are stable and justified, and I don't gasp and whine,
And I hate those nagging complaining bitches who do.
But I've been easily trusting
This entire life. Of people
I see their colors and know their intent.
I do not, however, have an explanation
For those who defy their own identity
And become something they are not.
And so, when I trusted you
I knew I would never regret it
And I swear, I don't.
Even now, as I fight these stupid tears
And try to run from the chasm
I feel myself falling inevitably into the pit if my stomach
Giving in just a little to the pain
Wondering what I did
To give you cause to shut me out.
Making myself vulnerable, unlike myself
By expressing this pain, screaming
Out loud in my journal
Just because it is the best way I know how
Other than a razor blade
But nothing is worth that.
Ah, I'm an emotional girl
In silly lovesick pain
Over a man
With a heart of gold
This canyon in my heart is the beginning
Of a very new and acute longing
That I embrace as a learning curve.
A lover, is what I do not need
I've loved too much
Everyone but myself.
I've lived until now for another
Unaware of my own needs.
But this is my season for me
It's my day
I'm running the chasm
And seeing what's at the bottom.