Monday, January 23, 2012

Inside My Head With a Shot of Malibu

So, it's January. Of 2012. And I'm having an excellent year. Florida forgot that we had a winter season, so it opted for 70 degree weather with plenty of sunshine.

The darker side of me has finally quieted down. At night it still haunts me on occasion. I'll dream of the perfect summer, how it went so wrong in the end, and wake up torn apart and shaking. On those mornings, I choose to work out until the pain subsides. But those occasions are fading into history.

I have a lot of gratitude towards Aaron, although I can't really express it right now. He was a solid friend while I was
like a wave in the sea. I miss that stability sometimes, and hope that he can find his way back to that part of himself. Maybe I regret rushing into marriage, but his friendship I'll always be glad I experienced. Maybe I'll find forgiveness somewhere down the road.

I find it really disconcerting how little respect some people have for
another person and their beliefs. With Tim Tebow making news every week with his stance for Christ, I've been forced to face the staunch loyalty of Christians to their god and my own past. I'm not proud if that stage in my life. I was a very judgmental teen, and it never crossed my mind that I was just another blot in the stain of humanity. I always just knew I was better. That mindset angers me now, and I'm sorry I ever entertained it.

Now, I'm not actually the opposite of what I was. Balance is a huge stabilizer in my life. I want to experience the middle ground, because to me that's the only way to live contentedly. Radical views and actions only incur drama, and I am not a fan of drama. I do like challenging myself and others to think about why we as a society behave as we do and believe what we do.

I'm aware that approval isn't something I need. It's a welcome gesture, and from a select few, a necessary one. But most of the time, the opinions of others don't apply. Why? Because everyone judges based on their own experiences, and each human has their own story. So it's virtually impossible to please everyone anyway! I know in my deepest inside what is good for me, and I follow that.

I'm the proud owner of a kitchen! The past year has between a flurry of fast food, avoiding the galley and eating canned dinners and ramen noodles. Not a great slogan for the Navy. But I finally got a place, with a kitchen. I made cake. Then burritos. Life is good.

I'm about to take off for work. Thanks for listening. If you know of something else you'd like me to cover in a post, shoot me your suggestion and I'll get on it. :) au revoir...


W. Lotus said...

I'm jealous of your 70-degree weather. In NYC we are just melted out (barely) from under the first snow of the year.

Anyway, I have a fundamentalist Christian past, and sometimes I cringe at the things I said and thought about others back then. I meant well, but much of what I was taught in church was spiritual elitists (not to mention unrealistic). I can only hope that if I hurt anyone, they were able to find healing.

I'm glad you're having a great year.