Sunday, July 31, 2011

Inside My Head, Installment # 18

Back again... just writing to get all the spinning thoughts in my head, out.

I'm caught in an awesome place right now. Where everything makes sense, and nothing makes sense. And I'm absolutely fine with that. There is definitely an element of danger; my whole current life is in a sense of peril. There's potential for a lot of heartbreak. There's incredible trust issues. There are some broken hearts in store. There is a lot of pain under the surface.

Most people would for sure be running right now, because most people don't like the unknown. I guess the keenness of emotion is a new thing for me. I hate emotions. Because my idea of strong is like a solid stone. When I was young, my step dad tortured my mom and I equally. I cried a lot. My mom never let on that anything bothered her; in fact, she would frown on me for crying. And the result was that my step dad left her alone after a while. He could see that my resolve was weak, and so I fell prey to him night after night, and he would leave my ravaged body shaking with emotions, and I called myself weak.

Now I enjoy making myself feel emotion. It helps me realize that I am indeed alive and growing more healthy by the minute.

I like to lose myself in school. My job is equivilant to an alternative life. I look forward to the 6 hours a day that I spend learning things that don't pertain to my civilian lifestyle at all. By the end of the school day, it's hard to re-adjust into my normal routine. I hope that feeling lasts. Because it's awesome that I'm getting paid to have this experience.

I'm realizing that my true friends are the ones who have stayed loyal even when I perform a 180 on my life. Robert and Emily have been my best friends for years. And I know they always will be. The other day I got three text messages in a row. One was actually a novel from a friend I care deeply about. She berated me on my life choices for about an hour. I sat and savored the feeling of every stab she landed, until it hurt too much to breathe, and then I cut her off as gently as I could and tried to forget.

The next text was from Emily, and it said, 'I love you. I would pay 200 to see you. I don't have 200, and that's what it would cost :('. While I thanked fate for giving me Emily, I recieved a text from Robert. He told me that he would come to see me as long as it was in his power to do so. And I forgot about my wounds and instantly my day was bright.

Even people who don't KNOW me try and run my life. I actually find that amusing. There are people I've met in the past 3 months who think they know me. Problem is, they don't realize I've chosen not to let them inside my boundaries. So they really don't know anything except what they see. I'm not that much of a fool, that I would open my heart for anyone. Otherwise I'd be stabbed a lot more. There have been a total of two people in Pensacola who I have let in. And they know who they are. Everyone else can say what they want and it mostly just annoys me, then slides off unaffected.

I love how my inside my head posts skip around and make little sense. That's me saying thoughts like I think them, and I definitely think them scattered. Speaking of that, the picture on my main menu on my phone is of two elephants humping. It's pretty epic. I'm so glad I'm not an elephant.

Two days ago in class, I had a pop tart sitting on it's wrapper on the desk. Colton looked at it longingly and said it smelled good. I was really hungry and rather irritable, and I considered ignoring him. But I can't, cause I'm nice... so I turned around and whispered, "Colton!" He scooted up next to me and leaned his head in so that we were both staring at the pop tart in close range. As he watched, I tried to slide the pop tart to his side of the desk. What I succeeded in doing instead was yanking the wrapper from underneath the pastry, so it landed, crumbled, in the dust. Morris gave me a betrayed look before trying to salvage the crumbs. I was so overwhelmed that I started laughing... and then crying. And then laughing. The whole class stopped to watch. I finally managed to stagger to the bathroom. Every two feet a soldier would ask if I was okay, and I would laugh, only to burst into tears. That was a rather legend reaction. The end.

And a really sad story... I'm about a week from the anniversary of my best friend's death. He died texting me, and I'll never forget him. I would give a whole freaking lot to get him back and go get pizza with him. I'd love to 'get high' on oreos with Mando again. Just saying... I miss him and I'll miss him forever. He taught me that when you love each other, you don't be careful. You throw caution to the wind and you hold on and don't let go. Because when they leave and you realize you can't ever touch them again, you're going to wish more than anything that you had. He didn't let time or space separate us, ever. He would call me daily, and tell me that I was his best friend and that he would do anything for me.

That's part of impulsive living. It's taking hold of the person your heart tells you to love, and not letting go. Of course it has to be double sided, or else it's harrassment. But when it's right, and you know it, and you push it away because you're afraid of being hurt, you're going to spend a whole lot of time being a whole lot of lonely. We only get one chance to experience all of the things you can experience in life. There are millions of people, and every one is going to give you a different relationship. If there's one that stands out and you don't want it to end, and you know they feel the same, then I guess it's best to pursue it at all costs and let your senses enjoy every minute until it's over. Cause it might last a year, or it might last your whole life, but that's not what's important. You won't regret following your heart. Ever. Even if it ends in pain, it will have been worth it.

And really bad eggs.


Anne — said...

Most epic last line of a post ever. :D

These "inside my head" posts are my favorites.