Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Melt My Heart Again

So, I've been writing my story over at Melt My Heart. It's been moving along quickly and easily. But the past few parts I've written have made me realize that I remember very little about my past, and I kind of don't want to remember the things I'm starting to.

After the last episode, I had a nagging recollection that I couldn't quite place my finger on. I'd try to think of it, but at the same time, I really tried to avoid it. Finally, over dessert last night, as I explained to Aaron, the whole memory came crashing back into my mind. It was a total shock and very unsettling. I guess I tried to protect certain people in my mind. Maybe that was my way of keeping someone around to support me and protect me against the man who hurt me so much. Turns out no one was there, after all.

I think I'd rather stay disillusioned. I've had to deal with a lot the past few years. In short order, my mom chose my abusive stepdad over me, my mom abandoned me and my siblings, my stepdad stole my siblings, my parents got a divorce. I was dragged into a media onslaught which made me an unwilling public figure. The family that welcomed me into their hearts and lives were chewed up and spit out when certain people accused their son-my best friend-of heinous acts that they are probably doing themselves. One of my best friends was killed, and now the person who should support me the most in life is trying her absolute best to create roadblocks in my future career.

With all of that on my plate to muck through, I don't think I want to be remembering nights in bed with my stepdad. I especially don't want to be remembering describing those nights in detail to someone and being ignored. The past can remain on the past while I work on the present. So if I'm missing a lot of details in my story, I ask your forgiveness. I'm keeping it light for my sake.

I'm not whining. I'm not being self-obsessed. This is me trying to be healthy and build myself up for my new family's sake. I don't want my husband to suffer any more than he has over what is now my past. My child will not know the life I knew. I'm very glad for a new chance to decide what I want to do and who I wanna be.

Thanks for understanding! And for reading. Many people have been extremely supportive of our whole family and situation, and I love that. Gratzi!


Bessie said...

Sounds like you are doing what is right for you. I applaud and support this! There are things in my past I'd rather not dwell on... I can so understand where you are coming from. We must process those things but not obsess over them.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you are going through so much right now. I hope things get better for you, and just know that you have people "listening" to you and supporting you every step of the way.