Monday, November 1, 2010

A Few Thoughts-Posted With Permission

This is what I'm trying to post to your blog, but it won't let me- it's too long. :P

It's a concept that's hard for me to really put into words- it's something I'm still working through. It's all a part of the process of shifting the blame/responsibility for my messed up childhood from the cult, and onto my parents. It's hard to do, and I can only do it in bits. :)

From what I have observed from my own situation, and from many others in similar ones, I have seen a pattern emerge. There are obviously exceptions to this, but I'm finding that they are few.

People that get caught up in cults seem to have some combination of the following:
- Insecurity
- A burning need to know absolutes
- Wanting to be different- not content to be just "ordinary"
- Inability to be truly honest with themselves
- Lack of ability to think critically (to slice through emotions, and process what is actually being said)
- Difficulty in making/maintaining healthy, stable friendships or relationships
- Think in Black/White terms only- nothing is ever grey
- Stubborn, and determined to be right
etc. etc. The list could really go on forever.

One scenario, which is all too common, is that one (or both) of these types of people get into a relationship, which turns out to be less perfect than they had envisioned. It may be a perfectly "normal" relationship, or it may actually be dysfunctional. Either way, it does not fit with the idea of the "perfection" they had in their brains, and since they firmly believe that button pushing works, they proceed to search for answers on how to make that happen.

Instead of keeping a level head about it, they turn to some charismatic, persuasive speaker with "reasonable" arguments- it makes sense in their brains. They latch on like a bulldog, and will not let go, no matter what is said.

I think childhood abuse plays into this- it creates such fractured people, who need the absolute security of knowing what's right, what's true.

The unfortunate thing is that they become very obnoxious, and, as Angel said, repel healthy people.

I've seen this played out repeatedly over my childhood. For over 20 years, I fiercely stood up for my abusers, and defended everything they did. I bought their line that they were the victims- they meant well, but everyone was always taking advantage of, and hurting them. (for the record: I'd like to believe that they did mean well, and that it was the brokenness in their brains that led them to make such unfortunate decisions. Sometimes I wonder, though.)

Which brings me to another point: I think there will always be a huge disconnect between the parents and the children of these movements.

The parents insist that they meant well, and only wanted the best for their children. I think that's what they honestly believe, but if they were brutally honest with themselves, I think the answer would actually be a little different. I've studied child abuse pretty extensively over the last little while (with the help of my psychologist), and what appears to be happening is that the parents are so broken and hurting, and try to find a way to heal themselves. They *say* that they're doing this for their children, but reality, it's for themselves. It's inherently selfish, and they do not take their children's personalities, needs, hurts, etc. into question. It's all about the parent being right. It's vengeance for having all control taken away from them when they were young, and they unfortunately exert that vengeance on their innocent children.

We children just see that the people that were supposed to love, nurture and protect us utterly screwed up their job. They allowed and more often than not caused us to be hurt.

It's complicated. I get that. I don't think that any parent actually sets out to hurt their children. I know that mine didn't. I know that I was loved abundantly and richly for the first 5 years of my life. Now that I've let the pain and anger of the next 15 years have their day in court, I'm able to look back with more warmth towards those 5 wonderful years.

My parents would have given their lives for me- I know that. They loved me as much as they could, but their brokenness and pain prevented them from seeing how they were destroying the child that was given to them to care for. I know the guilt consumes them now, but that does not absolve them for what they did. I've had to realize that, and let myself be angry, to cry for those lost years of my childhood.

It's never going to be ok. I will come to a point where there will be some measure of forgiveness, I think, but the bitter fact remains: I never had a childhood. They stole it from me.

The problem is...the abuse continues. I know they don't mean to do so, but it continues. It is now up for me to shield myself.

This is what I see in Angel's situation, too. The abuse continues- yes, it's taken on a different form, but it's just as insidious and painful for her. She had to take the extreme step to get complete distance, and I know how hard it was for her. Whether or not the abuser(s) meant to hurt her is hard to say. Knowing what I do, I've got to say that it appears pretty deliberate. I have heard the abuser's side and apparent intentions, but the way I see it coming across to Angel is a very different thing. I think that's where the person type comes in.

I see the pattern repeated in my parents. They fall for the exact same things over and over and over again. Lessons don't get learned. There seems to be some disconnect somewhere, and it frustrates me to no end- I love them, and I hate seeing them get hurt.

I see that with most other people that have got involved in cults- very few actually learn any lessons from their experiences, and just go on to replicate it in some other way- whether it be another religion, a pyramid scheme, or a toxic group of friends. It seems to be an inner drive to stay in this level of a "comfort zone", and no amount of healthy options available will attract them.

Children like Angel and I are very reactive to this type of behavior. We tend to crave the ordinary, the non sensational, and a good, honest day's work. We hate drama, and we hate "perfect answers" to anything- we know there is no such thing. Some children react differently. Some are permanently broken, and never able to pull out of the cycle.

Angel was a rebel, as was I. We fought hard, and were punished (and broken) hard. It is, however, that strength and determination that has given us the ability to live healthy, discerning lives. (the willingness to be brutally honest has helped, too. Relentlessly questioning everything is a must!)



These are just a few of my thoughts on the subject. ;-)
Gloria

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Why not leave the blame on the cult?

Angel Renee said...

Because the issues linger long after we left the cult. And not in an after-effect way, but like an actual evil still hovers.

Gloria said...

What Angel said.

I've been out of the cult for almost 11 years, and have worked my way through a lot of things, but there was that constant well of bitterness and pain that kept boiling up, but would never clear or give me peace.

I defended my parents. I insisted that they were also innocent victims, and I did everything I could to make their lives better. I put my own hurts aside to try to heal them. Contrary to popular belief, that helps nobody.

I couldn't understand why 10 years later, there was still so much anger towards everything that had happened. Why wasn't it going away? I still was convinced that The Cult was the great evil, and that it should be fought tooth and nail.

I started going to an amazing psychologist earlier this year. I was realizing that there was more to this, and also that my health had been destroyed by all that had happened, and refused to get better- I knew it was somehow psychological. Also, I was broken by some very recent abuses from my parents, and knew that somehow I had to break this cycle. The abuse was far from over- it had just taken on different forms, but they were just as devastating.

I very quickly realized that my inner child was still completely broken and bleeding from the wounds that I could not address. With my therapist's help, I took the very difficult step of taking a hard look at my childhood, and realizing what had actually happened.

Gloria said...

It was the most painful thing, ever, to have to admit that my parents had done wrong. In a background like ours, we are deeply engrained by the idea that are parents are perfect people to be emulated in every possible way. Whether or not we cognitively still buy into that, the actual built in reaction is very hard to break.

I finally started listening to and acknowledging my inner child, and suddenly horrible, traumatic memories started to surface. As I picked each of these up and examined them, I realized that the trauma I had endured was solely thanks to my parents. Sure, the cult contributed- a lot. The people in the cult were definitely heinous beasties. Still, it was my parents that perpetuated the pain that fractured every bit of my being. Instead of trying to protect me from the hatred and evil that came from the cult, they adopted it, and brought it home, making home to be the most unsafe hell on earth possible. They were the ones that chose to ignore their children's pleas, and they were the ones that beat me and instilled a deep sense of self hatred in me.

The inner child does not recognize abstract concepts such as "the cult made me do it". All that it knows is that the ones that were supposed to love, nurture and protect it chose instead to expose it to the worst possible abuses. Blaming the cult will not bring peace. The child will keep on demanding attention and acknowledgement until the pain of the past has been healed.

Gloria said...

Seriously, now that my adult self has gone back and acknowleged what happened, have taken the blame and put it where it belongs, I have come to so much peace. Honestly, I could really care less about the cult at this point. It has no power over people unless that power is granted. My parents made the choice to allow the cult to have the power over them, and yes, in time, they turned into victims of sorts. Still, they went against all the advice and pleadings from people who saw what they were getting in to. They did this very deliberately- there are really no good excuses. I know they would never admit this, but as an adult myself, I realize that if I were to get roped into something like this, any subsequent damage to my life, marriage or children would rest solely on my shoulders.

Even my anger against my parents is melting bit by bit. Whether I admitted it or not, I have carried a deep resentment and bitterness towards them- I just wouldn't name it for what it was. Now that I have worked through the pain, and walked through what all happened, I'm realizing their weakness and brokenness- I have compassion for them. They were broken people, trying to do the best they could. They utterly failed, and they will have to carry that burden of guilt with them for the rest of their lives. This makes me sad, but it's also not my pain to carry. It's up to me to respect and acknowledge the pain that *I* went through, and to heal that as best I can.

I truly believe that forgiveness will come in time, and that perhaps someday, our relationship can be mended, and come to a better place. A place where I no longer allow their abusive tendencies to smother and constantly destroy me- a place where I can kindly and compassionately talk with them, and yet firmly protect myself from their onslaughts. (thus preventing the constant cycle of mutual abuse)

Really, the anger is gone. I can now remember the happy memories of my childhood, and they are not as tainted with bitterness and pain. I recently had a powerful dejaveu moment, and was astounded by the purity of the happiness and love- it's something that I've never experienced before. Truly, once the layers of pain and anger have been dealt with, the joy and good memories can finally make themselves known. :)

So yes....in my opinion, blaming the cult leads only to emptiness and more frustration. I still find the teachings reprehensible, and the control exerted unacceptable, but again, a cult has no power unless it is given. The children had no choice, but the adults did. From my experience, healing will never truly happen until the responsibility is put where it belongs.

Gloria said...

Really, the anger is gone. I can now remember the happy memories of my childhood, and they are not as tainted with bitterness and pain. I recently had a powerful dejaveu moment, and was astounded by the purity of the happiness and love- it's something that I've never experienced before. Truly, once the layers of pain and anger have been dealt with, the joy and good memories can finally make themselves known. :)

So yes....in my opinion, blaming the cult leads only to emptiness and more frustration. I still find the teachings reprehensible, and the control exerted unacceptable, but again, a cult has no power unless it is given. The children had no choice, but the adults did. From my experience, healing will never truly happen until the responsibility is put where it belongs.

(and yes- I write long pieces- haha!)