Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Waking Up in August

July was spent in a stressful haze. I don't even remember many details, because it was sooo sickeningly stressful. I lay around on a couch, being depressed, dragging myself to work, and crying every night. The few things I remember are kind of sad. For instance, I broke my knuckle at work because I punched a wall. Also, I threw a total fit because a cat peed on the stuffed animal I always sleep with, and I HATE cats, so it was a good time to have a tantrum.

Anyone who crossed my path either heard my depression, or suffered my wrath. It was a miserable time. I didn't eat, hardly slept, and let the house become a disaster area. Yup, I would say I was properly depressed. But it makes sense. The only good thing that happened in July was my legal marrying of Candy Man and my swearing into the Navy.

Two mornings ago I reached the height of my misery. I cried all day. That was the day I broke my hand. I was so tense I was shaking all over. I told my fiance that this was the worst month of my life. It was a bad day. As I lay in bed that night, I had a thought. I was letting my fear and anger win. An entire month of my youth was wasted on useless feelings and emotions.

That night, I had a dream. I dreamed that I was in my childhood home, protecting my mom and sisters from rattlesnakes. They kept finding cracks and would come slithering in, poised to strike and hissing venomously. As soon as I killed one, another would come in. Finally, at some point, all the snakes were gone, and all the cracks were sealed. I was exhausted, and set about making supper for my sisters, who hadn't eaten all day.

As I put a pot of water on to boil, I looked out the front door. My heart stopped as I saw a figure in the yard. Looking closer, I realized it was my mom. She was bending over, picking up rattlesnakes, and gathering them into her arms. Mesmerized, I stood and watched. Suddenly, she turned toward the house and threw the snakes with all her might. They came shattering through the window, right at my feet. In shock, I picked up my sisters and began to run, the rattlers in hot pursuit.

For some strange reason, I was able to run with four sisters on my back for quite a long distance. It seemed as though every time I ran out of strength, my sister's would transfer their inner strength to me, and I could run farther and faster. It was a really good system.

By and by, I realized that Berea had slid off my back. Turning and looking over my shoulder, I watched her run back to the rattlesnakes and her mother. I called to her and to my mom, trying to give them a direction to get away from the snakes. But they stood in the midst of the pack, and the snakes overcame them easily. Transfixed, I stared as they emerged with Medusa-like beauty, snakes in their hair and a wild danger in their eyes. Frightened, I began to run again.

One by one, I lost them all. One at a time, they would slide off my back and return to their mother. Until I was left running alone. Or not quite alone. I noticed Mr. Harrison, my English/Philosophy teacher, jogging easily by my side. He looked into my pain-filled eyes and gently said, 'you know you can't save them. It's time for you to make your own path. There are SO many people surrounding you and giving you a chance to do that right now. Find your bliss,' and then he faded in a mist as I awoke.

Dazed from the dream, I stumbled into my livingroom. My dear friend Rainbow Boy was sitting on the sofa playing a game. I told him about my dream. Rainbow Boy loves to decipher dreams, so he looked up my dream details. Here is what he found:

To see a rattlesnake in your dream, represents lurking danger, sin, lacking freedom and overt sexuality. The symbol may also parallel a waking relationship in some passage of time where you are feeling constricted and confined.

To dream about your mother, denotes a matter that has preoccupied your mind and you are not sure how to deal with it in your waking life. It indicates unresolved problems that need to be worked out with your mother.

Killing reptiles represents the killing off of the old parts and old habits. Alternatively, the dream represents feelings of being let down or betrayed by someone in your waking life. You are feeling overwhelmed, shocked and disappointed.Alternatively, this dream may represent purification and the healing process. You are standing up for yourself and putting a dramatic end to something.

Anyway... that dream was pretty enlightening. I went for a walk and began to see all the amazing things I've got going for me. For one, I have a strong, supportive, amazing man who is willing to marry me despite all the warning signs he has been given of a dysfunctional family. That is unfathomable. It means he thinks I'm worth it! He chose me!

And speaking of family... I have a new one. My mother-in-law went shopping with me and helped me try out wedding dresses. When I found the perfect one and stood in front of the triple mirrors, she said that she had given up hope of going wedding dress shopping, since she had sons. She said, "Your loss is my gain". My new family is willing to accept me as a Hoyt and cover me as one of their own. Wow.

Not to mention my friends. From my mom's discarded best friends to my own dear soulmates, I have some of the most supportive people in my life of anyone I know. At work, people show concern and protection. One of my regulars at the bar self appointed himself as my bodyguard. A pastor's wife takes time out all the time to connect with me and share her own struggles as well. Amazing! I feel like Bella in Twilight-I think a lot of girls are jealous of how she attracts all the most wonderful people who are down to earth and want to protect her. That's how it's been lately. I can get on the computer and talk to some amazing girls who understand 100% and back me up from other countries!! I began feeling the love that I should have noticed this whole time.

And, I'm getting married!!! I told everyone that July 7th was just a legal date; October 9th would be my REAL wedding. And so it is. My married life will begin then, with SO much promise! I have an exquisite dress, 5 of my very best friends will be standing up there with me, and a dance choreographed with my wedding party. After a night filled with amazing fun and memories, Candy Man and I will be whisked away to a more exotic honeymoon than I ever dreamed of, white sands and sparkling waters, and love that will last a lifetime.

Moving on a little farther... I'm now property of the United States Navy! Here's my awesome new creed:

I am a United States Sailor.
I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States of America and I will obey the orders of those appointed over me.
I represent the fighting spirit of the Navy and those who have gone before me to defend freedom and democracy around the world.
I proudly serve my country's Navy combat team with Honor, Courage and Commitment.
I am committed to excellence and the fair treatment of all.

What a legacy! What an honor.

What was I thinking?! There's no need for me to feel anything but excited. This is the biggest step, the throwing off of the sick garbage I have had in my life, and the turn of a new and wonderful chapter in my life. I think this is the end of the drama and mental games, the mind torture and manipulation, and the beginning of the best years of my life. I'm finally to the good part that I have deserved since childhood. The more bitter the valley, the more peaceful and sweet is the mountain.

This is working! I love it. Soon I will post a new post with pictures to satiate your curiosity of what I've been doing recently and what Rainbow Boyt looks like. :D


Unknown said...

Well said. You are stronger than you think.