Sunday, October 23, 2011

Anonymous is Fun

A few days ago, I received the following comment on my post:

How did you pass a psych eval to get into the navy? You are certifiable. How could you just throw your marriage away? Did you find someone else that you thought could fix you? How many people have you hurt and tossed away like trash? I am sure you will not post this because it calls you out but someone needs to make you aware of how toxic you are. You deserve to be alone in a padded room. -Anonymous.

Dear Anon,
Surprise! You are now published.

I like to receive all manner of comments, whether they be favorable, critical, constructive, or judgmental. And I've never not posted a comment, except one time when a family member posted something that could have endangered them in their future career. So don't be so sure of yourself on that, my unidentified reader.

How did I pass a psych eval... hmm. I guess I'm just good enough to deceive commanders in the United States Navy. Or, maybe I'm not really in the Navy, and I'm creating a fantastic lie with my certifiable brain that convinces people that I'm a military member protecting our nation's intelligence, when in reality, I've been living in this dumpster in Detroit for the past 8 months. Here's the scenario: I've got a cart that I push around, carrying Aaron. The poor guy is just too skinny to stand on those stork legs, but he makes an excellent prop for my day job on the street corner. I stuff cheerios into his face, and he chokes out what I take as a thank you. I've been kicked out of all the rescue missions in this city. They keep finding my excellent stash of Cocaine and since I can't give it up due to my horrendous addiction, they can't let me stay (especially because it's a hobby of mine to give it to the children at the shelter and watch them trip out!).

Or... it could be because I'm mentally stable. It's actually an insult to the officers who evaluated me to say that I passed if I deserve to be in a padded room. But I won't tell them you said that. Hopefully they'll skip today's post and not ever know.

I take all my reader's comments seriously. I took yours seriously. (For about 3 minutes, which was all the time I could spend self loathing and considering before I began to giggle at the possibilities of this post I am writing currently.) I'm not keen on the idea that anyone knows enough about this situation to pass judgment. Some friends of Aaron's, and a few of mine, know a little more than everyone else, and they have almost all chosen not to judge the situation. In fact, we both remain with pretty much the same circle of friends. So, Anon, I'm not sure what about the situation you know that the others don't, but I'm going to assume it's pretty big. (were you the lesbian girl who chewed on my ear for an hour the other day while I gave a soldier a lap dance? Cause I was horny, so that was justified. People who love sex as much as I do can't abstain and therefore have an excuse to cheat on the person they are cheating on their husband with.)

On a serious note, I value Aaron's part in my life immensely. All I care to say on here are positive things about the man. After all, he has been on an incredible journey with me that couldn't have been easy for him. He was a friend when I needed one. And he continues to be there for me, as am I for him. Our differences are amazing, and we respect one another's traits even if we don't always relate to them. (End serious portion of post.)

As for throwing people away? Heck, Anon, I'm a Scorpio. Don't you know anything about astrology? We happen to be extremely intense in every area of our lives. We are efficient with what little space we allow things into. Because we are so complex, we require absolute simplicity to be happy. Therefore, if people are cluttering our space, and we no longer have any use for them, out comes Big Bertha the mighty garbage bin. Plop! goes that useless human being, and we hardly even notice the suffocating splutterings they utter as we walk away, instantly forgetting we ever knew, let alone loved that person. It's just in our nature. We go through humans like babies go through diapers. We use them, we toss them. I have discussed this with all my Scorpio friends and we agree this is the truth. For those unfortunates who have lost our interest and value, just remember you were loved by us at one point, and for that reason, you are special. Usually we are very in tune to what we want, ignoring the masses of mankind before us and zoning in instantly on the one with skills, looks, traits, etc. that we need. So you caught our eye. Be proud. And get some more skills, looks, traits, etc.

The most fascinating thing you said, though, was "did you find someone else you thought could fix you?" This interests me deeply. That would mean that I thought I needed to be fixed. Which I don't understand. I mean, you already insulted a Commander, which is practically like insulting God. But then, just to cover all your bases, you throw an insult to the Big Man too. I kind of feel like you might just be wanting to piss off authorities, which makes you sound like a teenager who wants attention, haha.... well, my favor to you is giving you a little attention.

People who think they need fixed are unaware of their worth. That's really sad and I wish I could redirect their thoughts. Buddhists have a big thing on balance. It very well may be the road itself. And the hard shoulder. And the signs on the way. And maybe even the outhouses and port-a-potties, though I may be going a bit too far there. But in order to be something complete, you need to have an equal amount of yin and yang. A lot of people do too much yinning and a lot do too much yanging. It's all very well of you to love the good in people, but unless you also accept the bad, then you aren't doing too well at actually loving that person.

This whole concept reminds me of the belief I was taught growing up. Our pastors always pressed the issue of sin. In their minds, good was holy, and bad was sin and must be denied, and this always frustrated me. Because half of myself I could express, and be praised for, but total acceptance of who I was could never be recognized. I was only good. Or rather, I was both, but I could only show the good. Without balance, we become... well, unbalanced. And that's when we start tipping the scales, until we finally fall over and are forced to aknowledge the fact that our image isn't all that we are comprised of.

I'm pretty accepting of who I am. My bad qualities balance out my good ones. I'm obviously pretty loveable, considering the fact that I can express the worst parts of myself, say to my friend Colton, and he can look at me and say, "I love you at your best and your worst, and your best is every bit as intense as your worst and it's all you." (I guess he never said exactly that, but he said something like that once, and that's why I love him too.) I know he means it, because I've seen some of his worst, and he definitely retained his worth in my eyes and I wouldn't change him for the world.

So. All that to say, I absolutely don't need or want fixed. Aaron was never a regret to me. He never fixed me, obviously, and I didn't fix him. Our relationship was a strong one, and when it became clear that it was becoming unhealthy, well, we agreed to get back to a healthy place. I support his decision to join the military and I plan on being there for him in the healthiest way I can.

Thank you, Anon, for catching my interest and appealing to me for the span of almost a week. I must say I spent a lot of time considering what I wanted to respond with, and this was really fun. However, the time has come where I no longer find you useful to me, and... where's Big Bertha? oh. There she is. Well, enjoy your life, fascinating stranger. Farewell.


Anonymous said...

I'm not the same Anonymous, and I think they were unnecessarily harsh, but there were some valid points hidden in all that vitriol. If I have this right, you got pregnant, got married, and had a miscarriage within a few months. I don't recall you mentioning the dates (which is your prerogative, of course), but you joined the Navy so soon after the miscarriage that it seems like you would have had to lie about it in order to get in. You didn't outright lie about your history of suicide attempts, but you weren't truthful, either. None of that means you belong in a padded room, but it doesn't scream 'mentally stable', either.

I have no idea what the issues were between you and Aaron, and it's 100% your right to choose not to share them. However, most people don't choose a new career that will separate them from their spouse after only a few weeks of marriage, and your decision to do so raises questions about your commitment to the relationship. (And yes, I would say the same thing if Aaron enlisted and you didn't, assuming you both had other options for putting food on the table.)

Upon re-reading your past writings, it's clear that you had feelings for the man you now claim to love just a few short weeks after enlisting, and a few months after getting married. Aaron may not have been innocent in that scenario, but it's not something that would happen in a 'strong relationship' - at least, not so quickly. It makes me sad to read things like that, because I don't think you know what a strong relationship is.

Saying you need to be 'fixed' is overly simplistic and just plain cruel, but your writings suggest that you do have issues with relationships, and I think you'd benefit from trying to sort them out (perhaps with the help of a therapist) before embarking on another one. Otherwise, you're probably correct about things ending up the same way.

I've followed your story since your mother first started blogging, and I'm disappointed that your marriage didn't work out, because I think that after everything you've been through, you deserve to be happy.