Friday, January 21, 2011

Inside my Head, Installment #14

Sometimes I have no idea what's going to end up in a post until I start writing. A time or two I've at down, filled the screen with my thoughts, and then had to delete them all because of how personal they turned out to be. Other times I've finished pouring out my heart and then gotten to immediately send off the work to my publisher because it was just...brilliant. And sometimes I just write a bunch of random things, switching from one subject to the next. Those are usually called Inside my Head, and they turn out to be my favorites, even though I wouldn't put them in the book.

I'd like to start putting more photos up. There have not been a lot of Kodak moments lately. Aaron and I spend our time apart at work, and when we're together we have been finishing up projects and preparing for changes. We've been working on baby-proofing the upstairs, for one thing. We've also set up an Ebay store and are making more money that way. Those things aren't photo-worthy, but I WILL get some pictures anyways.

I've stepped up on physical activity. I know I'll gain some weight int he coming months, but why not make it healthy weight only? And so, yoga, pilates, and swimming are my weekly classes. Plus Taekwondo has grown intense lately. We have 3 or 4 demos and testings coming up, and I've been asked to participate in all of them. One was last week, and another this weekend. Another green belt, Lisa, and I have learned to do our form back to back. A form is a series of blocks, kicks, and strikes that are done in a certain order like a dance. We will definitely have some pictures of that soon.

One thing I didn't realize is how hard it is NOT to drink alcohol. Whenever I'm asked on a form whether I smoke or drink, I say smoke: no. drink: socially. Not much, maybe a couple times a week if that. But the other day, I was reading and noticed vodka-infused whipped cream next to me. I decided to have a bite since it's so good, but as I popped the lid off, I suddenly remembered, no drinking anymore! ugh. Minor irritation, but that is okay. I had a can of peaches instead. Yummy!! I can't get enough fruits.

Last night my friend and I looked through pictures of my past on Facbook. I came across a photo of my mom's boyfriend John playing Aaron's Wii. As I clicked past it, I had a strange thought. When I first met John, I didn't like him. The feeling only intensified as I got to know him. Something about a 74 year old man who dates a young mother with many little girls made me uncomfortable. Plus I resented how quickly he just took the place of my step dad. He was totally my mom's rebound, coming to our house before dad had even fully moved HIS things out!

Anyways, then I remembered how I put all that behind me and focused on family. Mom begged me to accept her boyfriend, explaining how she would just die without him. And for her sake I let go of all my disgust and fears of him stealing my mother's heart. And I even gave him gifts at Christmas like he was a family member. Full acceptance.

Now I wonder why my mom couldn't do the same. Oh, she seemed to. She told me that Aaron seemed pretty great, and she encouraged the boys to hang out with him. And all the way through our legal marriage ceremony, she was supportive and sweet to him. It wasn't until three days later that she called me and told me that he had been doing horrible things to my sisters for 4 or 5 months. Um... okay? And you tell me this AFTER the wedding why? She then continued to torture him.

Now Aaron and I live a life that has been stunted because of her lack of acceptance. We watched a tv show about prisoners yesterday evening, and he quietly stated, "I could be there right now. Accused of something I would never do." It was a very sobering thought. Just as saddening is the thought of our little guy growing up unaware of his grandma and many aunts and uncles. Why punish a child that way? Sure, the Hoyt family will be there 100%. And that's more than enough. But the thought hurts me anyway. My grandma won't get to see the first child born into a married couple's lives among her grandchildren.

All because my mom can't find it in her to be a mother. It's pretty obvious that what's still eating me up doesn't affect her at all. When I see her in town, she coldly looks right through me. Sometimes she will look directly at me and laugh. What kind of reaction is that for a mother to give her oldest daughter? Where is the sadness, the support, and the love? Doesn't she sympathize that I allegedly married a creeper?

A few months ago she posted an entire article about Aaron and me on her personal blog that shocked me beyond repair. It inspired a lot of talk on various message boards. This was right before the big wedding. When it became obvious that the sympathies were running in my favor, she managed to come up with some very nasty and condemning accusations before hastily securing her blog from public view and making a poor attempt to state that it was an accident and was not meant to be read by anyone but close family. She also said that she would do her best to protect her daughters from public humiliation. Does that mean I'm not her daughter?

Oh, by the way, you can read the whole article here: . The humiliation, the sharing of deeply personal and private issues is still out there, and she obviously did not mean what she said about the blog not being meant for anyone but family.

I've met a lot of mothers in my lifetime. I've met only a few who accuse their daughters of things that are complete lies. Who can single-handedly stab their own flesh and blood in the heart and show no remorse. Who can assume that their daughter's first husband won't be their last, and actually hope for that, without getting to know their son-in-law first. Who can publicly lay bare the family's skeletons and blame it all on their child and religion, taking none of the blame for themselves. Who can treat one child as if they are golden, all the while pointing fingers and being absolutely hateful towards another.

One of them is the mother of Dave Peltzer, author of 'A Child Called It'. A diagnosed sociopath. Another one is a family friend, also recently diagnosed a narcissist. Two more are former homeschooling moms, both declared to have sociopathic and narcissist tendacies. And then my mom. Kind of a sobering thought, but true. The actions she has displayed in the previous months up until now have been nothing but condemning for her.

And I don't feel shame for suggesting such a thing of her. She would outright diagnose me with mental disorders at the drop of a hat. I only feel pain and sadness. I also feel regret for my siblings. In all honesty, I would far rather know they were at their dad's than be where they are now. Physical abuse is so much more evident than mental. The disarming charm with which my mom weaves her webs of deceit is a dangerous weapon indeed and many have fallen for it, including pastors, teachers, doctors, and best friends, and they bitterly regret it now.

I want my mom back. But then, I wonder if I ever had her.

I guess I better say here that I was a bit quick to say I would never talk about my family or my past again. It's easy to say in a moment of righteous anger. But they never leave my mind, and it's hard to write my heart when they are on it.

Anyways, moving on... I do have a surprise coming next week or so that I will be showing all of you. I've been saving up for it for a long time, and I'll finally have enough. I'm so excited that when I think of it, I can't stop smiling. :)

Disclaimer... This piece may or may not be fictional, and the people mentioned in this article represent no person, living or dead. And these disclaimers are LAME!!! But necessary.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to hear that you have had such a painful past. You seem like a strong person with a good heart. Have you heard of the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells"? It's a book for family members of people with borderline personality disorder that gives advice on how to deal with the person without losing your own sanity.
Your mom does sound like someone who may have a personality disorder. You can't fix someone with a personality disorder. All you can do is protect yourself and your family the best you can.
Peace to you.

Anonymous said...

Angel, in reading your mom's post about these events, it seems she has launched a CPS investigation of your husband. You may not realize that if your husband is being investigated by CPS, they may also attempt to take your child away after it's born. I'm so sorry to upset you right now, but I'd like to spare you the horror of having a social worker show up in the hospital to take your newborn away. Please find a good family law or criminal defense attorney now, in case you need one on short notice. And consider taking a look at some of the family rights sites like or . Under the law, you do NOT have to let CPS into your house or authorize access to your medical records without a court order. You also have the right to videotape your interactions with CPS if a social worker comes to your house or hospital room.

This is a horrible topic to bring up with an expectant mom. I'm writing because my son married a woman who was the prior victim of child abuse. Her CPS history triggered an investigation when she herself had a baby, which ended up in her baby being placed into foster care on false and frivolous grounds. (Yes, CPS workers sometimes lie in their reports. And get away with it.)

Once again, I'm not trying to freak you out or upset you, but I want you to be prepared. A good attorney and some good research are your best means of protecting your baby.

Angel Renee said...

Thanks for the comments, friends...

I did hear about Walking on Eggshells. I remember looking at it and thinking it sounded amazingly like something that would benefit me. I want to get a copy for myself and one for my aunt Sandy as well.

I asked our local police station if they had any case open against Aaron or I, since mom mentioned the Sheriff of her county. They said no, so I assumed they were closed. I should probably look more into it. I would hate for this thing to haunt us. Again I have to wonder what kind of mom she is to do this. It wasn't to protect the girls, because she didn't look at any of the evidence, and she won't acknowledge that Berea denied that the allegations are true. Not to mention the fact that several influential families who care about my siblings a lot have backed Aaron up in this. So it's just insanity.

Anonymous said...

CPS is not law enforcement. Their investigations won't necessarily leave a paper trail with your local sheriff. Besides, if your mom is as toxic as you suspect, what's to keep her from making false accusations to CPS after your baby is born? If your state maintains a child abuse registry (which is different from a sex offender registry) your husband's name may already be on it due to your mother's allegations, even though no criminal charges were ever filed. These allegations will find their way into any subsequent investigation of your husband. Don't ask CPS if he's on the list; it's better to avoid drawing their attention toward yourselves. An attorney could find out for you.

Again, my apologies for sounding so paranoid. For the past few months, I've watched the so-called "child protection" system nearly destroy my son and his wife mentally, emotionally, and financially. I don't want the same thing to happen to you and your husband, or to any innocent parents. The more you know about how the system works, the better you'll be able to defend yourselves if they try to make a case against you.

Wendy3 said...

I'm estranged from my mother, too. It took me until age 40, and I have grown more confident and happy every day since. I would consider reopening that door if she ever expressed an interest in her grandchildren (which she has not in many years.)

You might want to consider the parameters within which, if at all, you will allow your mother to know her grandchild. If you're like me, I like to think through that stuff in advance.

BTW, I have a red belt in TKD, and you look great! Also, I was a show choir nerd, so maybe we are a bit alike.

Angel Renee said...

Your poor family!!! I'm sorry to hear about that. Any time I've heard of friends dealing with CPS it sounds positively awful. I really hope your son gets closure on this whole mess and that he can enjoy life with his child. Grr to all people who have to go through ordeals when they do not deserve it. :(

Angel Renee said...

Wendy... I've thought through things a lot and I'll continue to ponder. At this point I would be very suspicious of my mom seeking reconciliation. We'll see. And wow, a red belt! Awesome!! I am testing for my blue next month. And I love show choir. How cool we have some of my favorite things in common. :)

Anonymous said...

Angel, I am really sorry to read about all this. I have been following you from your time on NLQ and I am so sad for your troubles and an wishing good things for your future.

I wonder if your mom knows that her blog is publicly available or whether you have asked her to take the posts down. It doesn't look good for her to have written that (regardless of her motivations, she comes out of it looking very bad) but most of all it seems very unhealthy to have all that out in public alongside earler posts with photos of you all.

Take good care xxx

Angel Renee said...

Thanks for the well wishes. I have asked my mother bother privately and publicly to secure the blog again, and she has not replied. I'm not sure why. It's the absence of her reply that scares me; I feel afraid she's planning something but I'm unsure of what it is. :(

ks said...

I'm sure you are terrified by the silence. Your mother is terrifying. The fact that she's comfortable with that blog being public is....unsettling. Reading her rants and lecturing tone is very, very hard. I can't imagine being on the receiving end of that.

I've been reading her site and yours for a long time. Stay strong.

Anonymous said...

If your mother is so able to make cases against you then why can't you sue for slander. She is a manipulative, narcissist whom cares about no one but herself. I have read her woe is me blog postings and she has used you publicly to get sympathy. What makes her feel she has the right to do such things?