So, I was thinking of you tonight and thought I would write. Just in hopes that, you know, God would let you read this and maybe you would love it. I guess there could be computers in Heaven, and you each get like ten minutes on it every day for...eternity. Not like you don't have enough fantastic things to do, and I know you aren't bored. But, you know. Just in case.
I think of you every day, you know. It's good for me. Cause I remember to laugh. I remember when we would run and hide from James in the mall. Practical, responsible James would sigh, 'goddammit' as we would sprint, giggling, to hide behind a Britney Spears stand up cut out, or try on bras in VS. Or the time we tried to steal his car for pizza, and you were laughing too hard to drive. Or when we were upset, we would stay up all night and listen to Allison and Bill sing, and your face would be alive with joy. God, I miss you, Mando.
You know the necklace you gave me when I was in the hospital? I thought it was cool, but not my style, and I put it in my keepsake box. It was a token of affection. But then you died, and it became a piece of you that I needed to keep you with me. I wore it through boot camp. I wore it with my dog tags. I wore it through the work day, and kept it on when I went out at night. I seriously wore it constantly.
Well, today I woke up and it was gone. I pulled my room apart looking for it, but it's nowhere. I'm still hoping I find it, but I seriously don't know where it could be. Of course I had a bit of a meltdown. I feel lost without it. I keep reaching for it and feeling a pang when it's not there.
I thought of something... Isn't today your birthday? You would be like 24? And I don't know if that's a coincidence or not. But it's been a big day of remembering. And I guess this is a plea, if you can see this, that I have that back. You know what it's like down here. You need reminders that your friends are always with you. I'm laughing to remember you. When I text in the car, I think of you texting me and it inspires me to stop.
I hope you are laughing, wherever you are. I hope they play Allison's cds there. I hope you have someone to throw in the water and watch them scream while you bust a gut. I hope there are lots of pumpkins for smashing. And I hope there are more amazing things that I couldn't even begin to grasp, that you get to experience. I love you from here, and I'm living with the hope that I'm gonna live with you again someday. I love you, Amando.
PS. Your little brother is beautiful like you.