Sunday, July 31, 2011

Inside My Head, Installment # 18

Back again... just writing to get all the spinning thoughts in my head, out.

I'm caught in an awesome place right now. Where everything makes sense, and nothing makes sense. And I'm absolutely fine with that. There is definitely an element of danger; my whole current life is in a sense of peril. There's potential for a lot of heartbreak. There's incredible trust issues. There are some broken hearts in store. There is a lot of pain under the surface.

Most people would for sure be running right now, because most people don't like the unknown. I guess the keenness of emotion is a new thing for me. I hate emotions. Because my idea of strong is like a solid stone. When I was young, my step dad tortured my mom and I equally. I cried a lot. My mom never let on that anything bothered her; in fact, she would frown on me for crying. And the result was that my step dad left her alone after a while. He could see that my resolve was weak, and so I fell prey to him night after night, and he would leave my ravaged body shaking with emotions, and I called myself weak.

Now I enjoy making myself feel emotion. It helps me realize that I am indeed alive and growing more healthy by the minute.

I like to lose myself in school. My job is equivilant to an alternative life. I look forward to the 6 hours a day that I spend learning things that don't pertain to my civilian lifestyle at all. By the end of the school day, it's hard to re-adjust into my normal routine. I hope that feeling lasts. Because it's awesome that I'm getting paid to have this experience.

I'm realizing that my true friends are the ones who have stayed loyal even when I perform a 180 on my life. Robert and Emily have been my best friends for years. And I know they always will be. The other day I got three text messages in a row. One was actually a novel from a friend I care deeply about. She berated me on my life choices for about an hour. I sat and savored the feeling of every stab she landed, until it hurt too much to breathe, and then I cut her off as gently as I could and tried to forget.

The next text was from Emily, and it said, 'I love you. I would pay 200 to see you. I don't have 200, and that's what it would cost :('. While I thanked fate for giving me Emily, I recieved a text from Robert. He told me that he would come to see me as long as it was in his power to do so. And I forgot about my wounds and instantly my day was bright.

Even people who don't KNOW me try and run my life. I actually find that amusing. There are people I've met in the past 3 months who think they know me. Problem is, they don't realize I've chosen not to let them inside my boundaries. So they really don't know anything except what they see. I'm not that much of a fool, that I would open my heart for anyone. Otherwise I'd be stabbed a lot more. There have been a total of two people in Pensacola who I have let in. And they know who they are. Everyone else can say what they want and it mostly just annoys me, then slides off unaffected.

I love how my inside my head posts skip around and make little sense. That's me saying thoughts like I think them, and I definitely think them scattered. Speaking of that, the picture on my main menu on my phone is of two elephants humping. It's pretty epic. I'm so glad I'm not an elephant.

Two days ago in class, I had a pop tart sitting on it's wrapper on the desk. Colton looked at it longingly and said it smelled good. I was really hungry and rather irritable, and I considered ignoring him. But I can't, cause I'm nice... so I turned around and whispered, "Colton!" He scooted up next to me and leaned his head in so that we were both staring at the pop tart in close range. As he watched, I tried to slide the pop tart to his side of the desk. What I succeeded in doing instead was yanking the wrapper from underneath the pastry, so it landed, crumbled, in the dust. Morris gave me a betrayed look before trying to salvage the crumbs. I was so overwhelmed that I started laughing... and then crying. And then laughing. The whole class stopped to watch. I finally managed to stagger to the bathroom. Every two feet a soldier would ask if I was okay, and I would laugh, only to burst into tears. That was a rather legend reaction. The end.

And a really sad story... I'm about a week from the anniversary of my best friend's death. He died texting me, and I'll never forget him. I would give a whole freaking lot to get him back and go get pizza with him. I'd love to 'get high' on oreos with Mando again. Just saying... I miss him and I'll miss him forever. He taught me that when you love each other, you don't be careful. You throw caution to the wind and you hold on and don't let go. Because when they leave and you realize you can't ever touch them again, you're going to wish more than anything that you had. He didn't let time or space separate us, ever. He would call me daily, and tell me that I was his best friend and that he would do anything for me.

That's part of impulsive living. It's taking hold of the person your heart tells you to love, and not letting go. Of course it has to be double sided, or else it's harrassment. But when it's right, and you know it, and you push it away because you're afraid of being hurt, you're going to spend a whole lot of time being a whole lot of lonely. We only get one chance to experience all of the things you can experience in life. There are millions of people, and every one is going to give you a different relationship. If there's one that stands out and you don't want it to end, and you know they feel the same, then I guess it's best to pursue it at all costs and let your senses enjoy every minute until it's over. Cause it might last a year, or it might last your whole life, but that's not what's important. You won't regret following your heart. Ever. Even if it ends in pain, it will have been worth it.

And really bad eggs.

Ten Thousand Circus Clowns

The show is about to begin. You paint that creepy smile back onto your face
Step out of the dressing room. Take a deep breath
And face the music.

This circus you call life? It's about to suffocate you once again. So you wear a mask
You've done this before. Every day, in fact.
Since you were young.

As soon as the popcorn/peanuts stench fills your nostrils, you wince
There's a crowd, all right. We have a packed audience tonight
Waiting to see you fail.

At least you're the main source of entertainment for thousands of people
You climb into your little clown car, start the engine
Race into the ring.

They won't applaud until you meet some misfortune. That's the name of the game
They stare greedily, hoping for an incident to arise. Then suddenly
Their waiting pays off.

You must please the masses, and you do. Because you were born to please
The crowd is on their feet. Your life is their circus experience
And you just performed.

As the ringmaster plays the band music, you slip softly away. Wipe off the paint
Step out of those ridiculous shoes, and stealthily, leaving the crowds,
You sneak out to me.

Cause even performers have dreams.

Evenings With Morris

Yup. I know it's cliche. That's why I'm not writing a book. But for a blog, that sounds like a pretty good series.

I spend a lot of time with a lot of people. Aaron of course, and my shipmates from boot camp. But lately, Corry High has caught up to me, and I can't stand drama. Therefore, my idea of a good time is a laid back, relaxed person who isn't being shot at from all angles. And that's why I am glad I met Morris.

Morris is a Sailor. He's also a Scorpio. He's my permanent liberty buddy. And he is one of the coolest cats I've met here. Every weeknight, he and I race out of the schoolhouse and straight off base. We find food, and then find a filler for the rest of the night. Sometimes we watch movies. Sometimes we explore the beaches. Sometimes we just drive and sing at the top of our lungs. Almost always, we talk. And I'm going to start making posts about those talks.

Sometimes, we talk about religion. We've both been burned, so it's a mutual topic for us. Mostly, my belief is that I'm the only person who can decide what's right for me, and same goes for everyone. Therefore, I will support anyone who I truly believe is making what they believe is the best choice for their lives. And I would appreciate the same acceptance. No one has the right to judge another if their intentions are honest. So we have some good discussions about that.

Another topic that comes up is relationships. It's no secret that Aaron and I are struggling. He's on his way to the Navy, and I'm so engulfed in school, plus I can't go off base alone. Morris has some very interesting perspectives on relationships, so we can talk for a limited time about love and life. If being emotionally damaged can have a good point, it's that both of us can be open with the other, knowing that we aren't in danger of being hit on or flirted with. We're really good friends, and neither of us is going to compromise that.

I like when we talk about philosophy. A standard by which we live our lives. He is a lover of truth, and I always know I can get his true opinion. We're just a couple of young people starting off in our careers and looking forward to a great future. Life holds a lot of hope and adventure for us. And we like to talk about it.

But more about our talks and adventures later. For now, this introduction is pictureless, because I don't take a lot of photos anymore. But I'm going to go find him right now and get one. Then I will post it and let the fun begin!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

A Few Things I Know

The rain in Florida is sporadic and breathtaking.

I love running in the pouring rain to get food.

Navy food, while better than most branches, is only slightly better than college cafeteria food.

It's hard to eat food and sing along to music at the same time.

If I hear Taylor Swift sing again, I'll pull out my hair. With my teeth.

Taylor Swift is too country for someone who lives on the beach.

The beach at night is far, far better than a day in the sun.

At night, the sky is as freckled as a ginger and I love it.

Redheads get a lot of attention. Both positive and negative.

One negative about the Navy is that you have to say goodbye a lot.

Goodbye always hurts, sometimes a whole lot worse than others.

One way of getting over a hurt is to write it out.

Writing is my own personal form of relieving my mind from the worries I carry.

I worry about the choices I'm making every day.

I chose the Navy. For a better present and future. I'm trusting myself on this one.

I'm the one person who has never let me down.

Taylor Swift is singing again.

I can't pull 2-inch hair out of my head with my teeth.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

To Andrew

Dear little brother,

You made it to thirteen! Congratulations!

Now you get to be a teenager. This is hard to believe, because I never got called that while I was one. Dad hated that word. "Kids turn into adults", he said, "Teenagers are weird in-between creatures who cause trouble and don't grow up." You know what? I'm glad you don't have to grow up yet. Be a teenager. Have your time of wild. It's pretty fun!

I'm a long ways away, but don't think you're forgotten. Every day I remember something about you. Like the time you screamed for me, and when mom handed you over, you threw up in my face. Thanks a lot, bro. Or when you were six, and I lamented your growing up. "One day, you're going to think that you're too old to kiss me!" I mourned. Your expression was serious as you insisted you would NEVER not want to kiss me. You are the most loving of all my siblings.

Remember when I taught you how to read? You had to do that big fat book of How To Read in 100 Easy Lessons. It was a dumb book. About ants and a boy in a hut. But you got through it so fast, and it was easy to see you were an avid reader. You proved it when you went to school. My twin in so many ways.

Like me, you have a dark side that comes out in your writing. I love to read everything you write. When you wrote your first love letter, I thought that any girl would be really lucky to have you. You're a sensitive romantic. And not the nerdy kind, because you are handsome and athletic, and you know how to use words in a way that charms anyone you meet.

You have such a great opportunity at life. Being the child of a broken home is the best thing that could have happened to you. Now you get to live the life I wanted. Live it fully. I love you more than anyone in the world, and hopefully in a few months I'll see you. Happy birthday late.

Satiable Creatures

This is the view from my backyard. Hello, backyard. I'm
going to miss you. But when I leave, I'm going to get
a dog.

The USS Alabama. Decommissioned a while ago. I got
on board and saw an alligator!! Also, I think I'll get a little
claustrophobic if I get stuck on one of these for months.

More later!! Like, soon.

Artistic Expression

We're what?

We're walking on the pier
I'm counting all the fish below us
and not sure what you're doing
But it's fun.
Somewhere we aren't missed
And that's just fine
These fish need to be counted.

Maybe you don't fake it
And you don't think before you speak.
You're the one I was warned about
And I know why.
Cause you aren't like me at all
You don't have the qualities I go for
It gives me something new to write about.

So I'll take off my shoes
Lay next to you on the dock
Talk about how our friends are
And we're not.
Somehow, it all makes sense
Even though it doesn't really
But that's the perfect recipe for artistic expression.

I Kept It Real

Out of boot camp was born a new resolve: Live in the moment.

A retired Air Force officer gave me this most valuable advice a few months ago. "Don't live for yesterday, because you've been given a chance at a new life. Don't live for tomorrow, because you're going to wake up one day and notice that your whole life was lived for a future that is suddenly short and you don't know how to enjoy it. Just live for now, and make sure you're in love with every moment."

Didn't realize how hard that would be for me! The controlling part of my nature bucks the idea of just going with the flow. The sensitive side keeps telling me I need to show my family I'm not a loser. Between those two I often get caught up in the past or the future.

But the other night, my shipmate Colton and I took a long drive to Perdito Key in Alabama. We went to the public beach and began to look for seashells. We found some really cool ones. We talked about relationships, and being in the Navy, and about how much we have changed since boot camp. We got back in my car and sang all our favorite songs at the top of our lungs. And every time I looked out at the ocean and took a breath, I took in all the smells and the stars and I realized that I was living in the moment. And I was loving it.

This is the summer I'm discovering myself. I found out that I'm more adventurous than I suspected. I actually enjoy pushing my comfort zone. For instance, I like swimming in the ocean even though it terrifies me every time. I'm capable of being more dangerous than I thought I could. I'm willing to take a dangerous risk because to me, life is about living fully. My best decisions have been rather impulsive. I learned that I don't have to make everyone happy, and sometimes it's healthy to access a relationship and say, 'fuck it! It's not worth it'.

It's a good time to live in the moment. I'm young, I'm not mothering a child, and I'm making good money. I'm decently independant. I'm not sure where my next command will be. Hooyah for keeping it real!