Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Literally... Inside My Head.

This morning I woke up at 5am with the worst headache in the whole world. After about 20 minutes of trying my very best to ignore it, I got up and headed downstairs in search of headache relief. I took a few tension headache tyenols and lay down with an ice pack on the couch. My headache became increasingly worse. Tension spilled out of my bones. Even my hair ached, and I felt nauseous to boot.

I tried throwing up, but that only increased the pain. I rocked back and forth holding my aching head and tried to relax, but it was impossible. In tears, I finally started a steamy hot bath. I poured in Epson salts, turned off all the lights, and submerged myself in the water. After soaking for a few minutes, the pain subsided to a dull pounding. I closed my eyes and counted the heartbeats in my head, concentrating on nothing else. I let my hands unclench, slackened my jaw, and let go through my shoulders.

And finally, relief came. Within short order, Spongebob Squarpants was somersaulting through my head in a wedding dress. I guess that is what I think about when I'm relaxed? I climbed back into bed and counted my heartbeats until my breathing was slow and even. I didn't go back to sleep, but I fell into a meditation of sorts that felt really refreshing.

I guess my tension comes out in my sleep. In the daytime, I've been just fine. It's at night that I begin to cry out and flinch. Aaron has to wake me up several times because I start shaking, squeezing my fists tight and grinding my jaw. I wonder why.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Operation Truth Project

I'm currently working on a photo project. It's kept me pretty busy, so I haven't been on here. But I'm planning on putting it up here in the next few days. It's a declaration of my truths; I'm planning on taking it to boot camp so when I feel all alone, I can remember that I've got friends.

Tomorrow I get off for my birthday, so I'll work on some of them then. Maybe Wednesday I'll get them up!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Thanks For the Support

My Navy contract has been extended due to extenuating circumstances perpetuated by my mother. I won't be able to leave until next fall.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Who You Are

You are five years old and hiding in a corner Underneath the stairs
As your biggest hero crashes down the hall
You curl yourself into a small niche
Under your breath, you mutter the words
"I hate you"
But you forget how his ears are extra keen
Because of his blindness.
He heard you. Little girl
Do you have to be who you are?

You are ten years old,
Sitting at the end of your mother's bed.
With childlike words, you try to explain what happened
How his fingers groped, and you bled
Because you're scared
And your mother stares at you, dumbfounded
Her swollen belly threatening to burst
With his child
Your sister.
And she doesn't do a thing. Child,
What makes you think who you are is worth shit?

You are sweet sixteen, and it is not sweet.
Your birthday is spent in tears
Because you might be older, but you aren't better.
In fact, you probably shouldn't have been born
Because all you do
Is cause grief for your family
This is what he screams into your face
All day long
But come nightfall, he will cry as he holds you close
Telling you he loves you
As you pleasure him. Little lady,
Don't you regret yet who you are?

Today, I locked myself into the bathroom
Turned off all the lights
Lit a candle,
Turned on the ihome and played 'Hey Jude'
Curled up on the floor
And I cried for you.
I mourned the pain of the little girl,
Sobbed in rage for the child
My heart ached for the little lady.
I cannot forgive what happened.
Every step that made you
Who you are.

Thursday, November 11, 2010


Three years ago today, my phone rang. I groggily reached for the desk. It was about 2pm, and I was napping, getting over a bit of a cold. "Hello?" It was Aaron, a boy from my choir. He asked if I wanted to get some lunch-his treat. I said yes, somewhat hesitantly. I wasn't sure what he wanted.

We went to a Mexican restaurant, where we proceeded to talk for the next four hours. When we finally left, we went to the mall for a little while. He worked at Penney's, and we looked around for a few minutes. When the mall closed, we went to Skyview Lake, and sat for about 3 hours talking. And then, we went to Walmart and messed around with one of the employees that I used to work with.

In the end, as I was leaving, he walked me to my car. He didn't waste any time. "So, would you be my girlfriend?"

and the rest, as they say...

I love you, Aaron Lee. Thanks for asking me out that day!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Melt My Heart Again

So, I've been writing my story over at Melt My Heart. It's been moving along quickly and easily. But the past few parts I've written have made me realize that I remember very little about my past, and I kind of don't want to remember the things I'm starting to.

After the last episode, I had a nagging recollection that I couldn't quite place my finger on. I'd try to think of it, but at the same time, I really tried to avoid it. Finally, over dessert last night, as I explained to Aaron, the whole memory came crashing back into my mind. It was a total shock and very unsettling. I guess I tried to protect certain people in my mind. Maybe that was my way of keeping someone around to support me and protect me against the man who hurt me so much. Turns out no one was there, after all.

I think I'd rather stay disillusioned. I've had to deal with a lot the past few years. In short order, my mom chose my abusive stepdad over me, my mom abandoned me and my siblings, my stepdad stole my siblings, my parents got a divorce. I was dragged into a media onslaught which made me an unwilling public figure. The family that welcomed me into their hearts and lives were chewed up and spit out when certain people accused their son-my best friend-of heinous acts that they are probably doing themselves. One of my best friends was killed, and now the person who should support me the most in life is trying her absolute best to create roadblocks in my future career.

With all of that on my plate to muck through, I don't think I want to be remembering nights in bed with my stepdad. I especially don't want to be remembering describing those nights in detail to someone and being ignored. The past can remain on the past while I work on the present. So if I'm missing a lot of details in my story, I ask your forgiveness. I'm keeping it light for my sake.

I'm not whining. I'm not being self-obsessed. This is me trying to be healthy and build myself up for my new family's sake. I don't want my husband to suffer any more than he has over what is now my past. My child will not know the life I knew. I'm very glad for a new chance to decide what I want to do and who I wanna be.

Thanks for understanding! And for reading. Many people have been extremely supportive of our whole family and situation, and I love that. Gratzi!

Monday, November 8, 2010


I took this photo in Colorado-I absolutely loved our cabin and everything about it.

I decided to do this before the freshness of being a bride wears off. :)

-How long did you date before you got engaged?
2 1/2 years

-Did you get the ring you wanted?
It's ten times better than what I thought I wanted! I'm glad he picked it.

-Was the proposal a complete surprise?
It was a shock, mostly because I thought it would be several
more months away still.

-Do you wish you had a bigger/smaller diamond? If so How big or small?
I actually think mine is the perfect size. He listened when I said not really
big, but not tiny. :)

-Did you cry when he proposed?

No... I smiled a lot, and kind of stuttered.

-Was the proposal romantic or creative?
It was very much both! More creative, slightly.

-Where did you go for your honeymoon?
Estes Park, CO. Beautiful!

-Did you buy his wedding band for him?


-What day of the year was your wedding day?

October 9th, 2010

-What kind of weather?
Sunny and about 76. Perfect!

-Inside or outside?

-Church/justice of the peace/other?
Our dear friend/pastor/mentor.

-How many people were there?

About 200

-Time of day?

3 pm

-Any kind of theme?
It was whimsical... roses and creme...

-How many bridesmaids? Who were they?

There were 5. Em was my maid of honor, of course, and Julie was
the matron of honor. Then I had Cassie and Liz and Marlee as bridesmaids.

-What kind of cake/what did it look like?

Like this :)

-Where did you have the reception?
At the vfw

-What kind of dress did you have/color/material?

It was white, um... not sure what material, but it was gorgeous. It
was a ballgown style, strapless, with lovely beadwork.

-What kind of flowers in your bouquet?

They were roses (white, creme, and red), baby's breath, and greenery.

-Kind of engagement ring?
the engagement ring is a diamond surrounded by 10 smaller stones.

-Kind of wedding bands?

A thin band that twines around it-its' a set. Aaron's is Platonic Titanium.

-How did you wear your hair?

Really feathery, updo for short hair, and highlights.

-Who was it important that they be there?

James, my old pal from singing school, and my other mother, and Gloria,
clear from Canada! And the wedding party. And my dad. I was glad for
absolutely everyone who came.

-Was the reception big or small?
I would call it pretty big. We comfortably fit in the room though.

-What did the groom wear?

A tux, with ivory shirt and paisley tie. It was Calvin Klein-dead sexy!

-How long on Honeymoon?

Around a week
later was when we went.

-What did you do?

Well, we spent a day driving, and ended up in Fort Collins at a lovely
lakeside campground cabin. We ate find dining, and the next day we shopped
in Boulder. Then we went to Estes Part and had a VIP Tour with the most cool
tour guide ever. And then we bought more shirts and trinkets and apple butter and
taffy and sweatshirts and hats and scarves and gifts for each other than we knew what
to do with. And then we spent a day hiking in the mountains and around a huge lake and
waterfall. Then we drove all the way home, and on the way, we ate alligator, kangaroo,
wild boar, buffalo, elk, and ostrich jerky. Yummy! And we did other things that I won't
talk about, of course, honeymoon things.... :p

-Was it modest or costly?

I guess it was kind of in between... for us it would have been really costly. But
we had a lot of help, so we were able to go all out. We had napkins with our names on them...
and a really amazing dress... and lovely decorations... and a lot of food... thanks to the
people who paid for all of that stuff!

-How old are you and the groom?

He is 22 and I am 24. For now.

-How long were you engaged before you got married?
7 months. YIKES!!!

-Live together before or wait till married?

We lived together... but in separate rooms. We lived with his parents for a
summer, and I got a floor to myself. Then we moved into the dorms, where
he slept in the dorm above me. And since then, we moved into a house, where
I slept with Cass while Aaron got his own room-till now. Mua-hahahha!

-Take a long time to plan the wedding or was it simple?
It took the whole 7 months. Was that a long time?

-Did you do it yourself or with family or hire someone to plan the wedding?
It was the combined efforts of Aaron and I, Lynne, Julie, and Mom Hoyt. And
the grandmas, of course!! Ohh, and Cassie.

-Did you write your own vows or use something pre-made?

We wrote our own. Funny story... Aaron forgot his at home, so he kind of made them up
as he went at the wedding. So he ended up saying, "I promise to do whatever you
want me to... even if I don't want to." I promise never to play that card on you, Babe.

Sigh.... I love being married...

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Inside My Head, Installment #12

I have a new favorite song. Temporarily, at least. It's Footloose, by Kenny Loggins. Today, while I was working in the bar, and no one was around, I entered that song 4 times in the jukebox and danced my heart out around the pool tables. That was such a blast, I went ahead and played some songs from show choir and danced to those as well. It was gratifying. I didn't quite know how to explain why I was out of breath when another employee walked in. So I just played Hey Jude and jammed out. I love music so much.

Today was a long day, as noted in my earlier post. I'm full of thoughts right now and can't think to read my book or sleep. It probably didn't help that I drank a mountain dew today, because I drink those so rarely that when I do, it pumps me full of energy!!! I also drank a starburst when I got off of work. Here's the recipe to the most awesome drink ever:

A shot of each: Cherry, Watermelon, Grape, and Peach schnapps
Top with whipped cream.
This is my edited recipe. I make a lot of interesting mixed drinks at work.

My friends and I have begun discussing beliefs and philosophies lately. I am amazed at how many things I never questioned before, that are now up for grabs. Reincarnation seems entirely possible. Time, truth, and everything else is relative. My life personally has become a journey of peace. As much as I have lived in strife, I am a very peace-hungering soul.

One of my favorite new realizations is that most things I concern myself with are not worth the passion I put into them. For instance, a sudden anger at my friend dissapates quickly when I realize how short life is. A panic attack over money ceases once I'm reminded that it's just a phase I'm going through that will be over soon. My life is now. Not in the future. I can't live life waiting to see people again, or to make up with people I've lost. It's now that I should be happy, alive, and adventurous.

And I am! The Navy is a promising adventure. My husband and I are closer than we have ever been. Adversity has brought us together. Every week, we take a night off for dates. Sometimes we double date with our friends Dane and Julia, or Tim and Julie. Lately, we've taken to Christmas shopping. We are becoming active in the community and have made some good friends. He's converted me into a Husker fan. Me! A sports enthusiast!

When I lived in Nashville, I had the opportunity to nanny for the manager of the Newsboys. With that job, I got to meet several well known people and their offspring. I was telling Aaron about this the other day, and we began talking about baby names. Here are the ones he picked as favorites: Jackson Mitchell, Drew Renee, Ayrin Claire, and Kaden James. That was kind of a fun thing, and I was impressed. When we first met, he wanted to name our first son Magnum or River. Good Heavens! I'm so glad we've come so far. (Don't worry, anyone- no babies in our near future!)

When I was much younger, I had a list of baby names that I loved and planned on naming my 12 prospective children. Berea helped me with the list, and I think she planned on stealing a few of them. Funny thing, my favorite name on the list, and the one I planned to use no matter what, was Aaron Ezekiel. :) Some others were William Kyle, Westley Mitchell, and Vision James. For girls, I had Elisabeth Liberty, Morgan Whitaker, Jessica Madison, and Noelle Christmas (yes, really!). That's only eight, but I can't remember the other names. Suffice it to say, my future TWO children will thank me for becoming cooler with age and also for forgetting to have the other million siblings they were supposed to get. :p But we will have a dog named Marley.

As long as we're on the subject of Candy Man and I and a bun-in-the-oven, guess what happened at our house this week?
That's right... baking! And who do you suppose baked all this amazing banana and pumpkin bread?

Why, Aaron and me, that's who! We are the world's best team!!!!

Signing off, with... Loose, footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes
Please, Louise
Pull me offa my knees
Jack, get back
C'mon before we crack
Lose your blues
Everybody cut footloose
You're playing so cool
Obeying every rule
Dig way down in your heart
You're yearning, burning for some
Somebody to tell you
That life ain't passing you by
I'm trying to tell you
It will if you don't even try
You can fly if you'd only cut....

Ohhh, yeah. :)

A Fun Day

Well, the last 24 hours have been interesting.

Last night, my roommate got in a car accident. Her car was totaled, and she was lucky to be okay, although she did get a pretty good knock on the head and is suffering the expected stiffness and pain that usually follows a car crash.

This morning, I was informed that my mom had been given mental attention. That's all I know. I didn't learn when, or where the kids were, or what the attention was for. And I guess I won't know, but I do hope that if this is true, mom is getting excellent care.

And, then today, my friend from Omaha lost her house due to a fire. Candy Man is there now helping with relief. I would have gone, but I have class tomorrow. But my thoughts are with her, and I'm staying home with Cassie to make sure she's okay.

Also, I'm suffering some epic cramps and swollen tonsils. An odd and painful combination. Lord help us.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

A Wish for a Baby Girl

My wish for you
Tiny baby girl, smiling up at me, with blue-cicle eyes
And the little nose that scrunches up when you grin at me
Sweet child with mama's hair and daddy's knack for mischief
Is that you won't grow up
Until you are ready to.

In the Spring,
I hope your daddy teaches you to smell the flowers
And that your eyes light up with wonder at the sights
Of lavender and rose, and of newly grown buds on the dogwoods
May you find beauty
In a cool shower of rain.

When Summer comes,
My dream is of you, tiny angel, sitting in the shade
Only happiness attends your presence, and not a care
For you are young, and these are the months of enchantment
Blow the seeds of a dandelion
Make a wish, little meadow fairy.

In the Autumn,
When you become our little Boo, and learn the delight of cocoa
And of crunching leaves as you go door-to-door in search of candy
Stay young, little dreamer. Light the world with your smile in September
Always believe in miracles
Cause we believe in you.

Come frigid Winter,
When mama sings Ah La Nanita as you drift into Lullaby Bay
Count the stars that illuminate the tranquil night sky
I hope you stay safe in the arms of those who love you so
And love us too
Be our bright future
Oh, little baby girl

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


In the black of night
When a million stars pierce the sky
I breathe deep
Feel the presence inside me
Whispering mysteries

That I have known all along.

Monday, November 1, 2010

A Few Thoughts-Posted With Permission

This is what I'm trying to post to your blog, but it won't let me- it's too long. :P

It's a concept that's hard for me to really put into words- it's something I'm still working through. It's all a part of the process of shifting the blame/responsibility for my messed up childhood from the cult, and onto my parents. It's hard to do, and I can only do it in bits. :)

From what I have observed from my own situation, and from many others in similar ones, I have seen a pattern emerge. There are obviously exceptions to this, but I'm finding that they are few.

People that get caught up in cults seem to have some combination of the following:
- Insecurity
- A burning need to know absolutes
- Wanting to be different- not content to be just "ordinary"
- Inability to be truly honest with themselves
- Lack of ability to think critically (to slice through emotions, and process what is actually being said)
- Difficulty in making/maintaining healthy, stable friendships or relationships
- Think in Black/White terms only- nothing is ever grey
- Stubborn, and determined to be right
etc. etc. The list could really go on forever.

One scenario, which is all too common, is that one (or both) of these types of people get into a relationship, which turns out to be less perfect than they had envisioned. It may be a perfectly "normal" relationship, or it may actually be dysfunctional. Either way, it does not fit with the idea of the "perfection" they had in their brains, and since they firmly believe that button pushing works, they proceed to search for answers on how to make that happen.

Instead of keeping a level head about it, they turn to some charismatic, persuasive speaker with "reasonable" arguments- it makes sense in their brains. They latch on like a bulldog, and will not let go, no matter what is said.

I think childhood abuse plays into this- it creates such fractured people, who need the absolute security of knowing what's right, what's true.

The unfortunate thing is that they become very obnoxious, and, as Angel said, repel healthy people.

I've seen this played out repeatedly over my childhood. For over 20 years, I fiercely stood up for my abusers, and defended everything they did. I bought their line that they were the victims- they meant well, but everyone was always taking advantage of, and hurting them. (for the record: I'd like to believe that they did mean well, and that it was the brokenness in their brains that led them to make such unfortunate decisions. Sometimes I wonder, though.)

Which brings me to another point: I think there will always be a huge disconnect between the parents and the children of these movements.

The parents insist that they meant well, and only wanted the best for their children. I think that's what they honestly believe, but if they were brutally honest with themselves, I think the answer would actually be a little different. I've studied child abuse pretty extensively over the last little while (with the help of my psychologist), and what appears to be happening is that the parents are so broken and hurting, and try to find a way to heal themselves. They *say* that they're doing this for their children, but reality, it's for themselves. It's inherently selfish, and they do not take their children's personalities, needs, hurts, etc. into question. It's all about the parent being right. It's vengeance for having all control taken away from them when they were young, and they unfortunately exert that vengeance on their innocent children.

We children just see that the people that were supposed to love, nurture and protect us utterly screwed up their job. They allowed and more often than not caused us to be hurt.

It's complicated. I get that. I don't think that any parent actually sets out to hurt their children. I know that mine didn't. I know that I was loved abundantly and richly for the first 5 years of my life. Now that I've let the pain and anger of the next 15 years have their day in court, I'm able to look back with more warmth towards those 5 wonderful years.

My parents would have given their lives for me- I know that. They loved me as much as they could, but their brokenness and pain prevented them from seeing how they were destroying the child that was given to them to care for. I know the guilt consumes them now, but that does not absolve them for what they did. I've had to realize that, and let myself be angry, to cry for those lost years of my childhood.

It's never going to be ok. I will come to a point where there will be some measure of forgiveness, I think, but the bitter fact remains: I never had a childhood. They stole it from me.

The problem is...the abuse continues. I know they don't mean to do so, but it continues. It is now up for me to shield myself.

This is what I see in Angel's situation, too. The abuse continues- yes, it's taken on a different form, but it's just as insidious and painful for her. She had to take the extreme step to get complete distance, and I know how hard it was for her. Whether or not the abuser(s) meant to hurt her is hard to say. Knowing what I do, I've got to say that it appears pretty deliberate. I have heard the abuser's side and apparent intentions, but the way I see it coming across to Angel is a very different thing. I think that's where the person type comes in.

I see the pattern repeated in my parents. They fall for the exact same things over and over and over again. Lessons don't get learned. There seems to be some disconnect somewhere, and it frustrates me to no end- I love them, and I hate seeing them get hurt.

I see that with most other people that have got involved in cults- very few actually learn any lessons from their experiences, and just go on to replicate it in some other way- whether it be another religion, a pyramid scheme, or a toxic group of friends. It seems to be an inner drive to stay in this level of a "comfort zone", and no amount of healthy options available will attract them.

Children like Angel and I are very reactive to this type of behavior. We tend to crave the ordinary, the non sensational, and a good, honest day's work. We hate drama, and we hate "perfect answers" to anything- we know there is no such thing. Some children react differently. Some are permanently broken, and never able to pull out of the cycle.

Angel was a rebel, as was I. We fought hard, and were punished (and broken) hard. It is, however, that strength and determination that has given us the ability to live healthy, discerning lives. (the willingness to be brutally honest has helped, too. Relentlessly questioning everything is a must!)

These are just a few of my thoughts on the subject. ;-)