Last night was simply awful. I sat next to my friend and refused to drink and be merry. I walked with my husband in the cool of the eve and stubbornly resisted his attempts to make me happy. And then I went to bed and thought about how I could win the battle against my emotions. Nothing. So I went to sleep.
And woke up this morning with a stomach bug. The kind that requires you to double up thanks to cramping in your stomach. The kind that scares you to eat food because you might instantly upchuck. I'm going to say I have a weak immune system due to stress right now.
And then I'm going to use that as an excuse to run away. If I could run away, if I did not have a work schedule at all, and no people to worry about, I would go to a forest. I'd spend my day attacking trees with their own branches. I would scream, because no one could hear me. I might run, dodging low branches and feeling the rough ground beneath my bare feet. I would climb into a lofty pine and let the needles poke me on the way up, breaking them in two so I could smell the fresh pine scent.
And I would let myself agonize in the pain that I feel. Not worry about how my grief would affect anyone else. No pushing the thoughts aside and distracting myself with mundane work. No. I would ache in every muscle and savor the sadness. Mourn the loss that I have undergone. After all, it's as if loved ones have died.
If I could run away... I would. And the only thing keeping me here right now is everything. Somehow I want to excuse myself for a little break, and take a walk in the woods. I want to escape my reality.
In the woods, I find myself. For Candy Man, his place is beside a stream, but mine has always been the trees. When I was younger I had a place for only me, a place of peace, deep in the heart of the Tennessee mountains. The sense I get in the woods is one of mystery, of wonder, and of inexplicable peace. I see the towering trees and I am not afraid. I hear the whistle of birds calling and the rustle of ground squirrels and all the troubles flee my mind. A deep breath of the crisp, fresh air renews my strength.
Damn it, I so want a woods right now.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Posted by Angel Renee at 8:06 AM
Sunday, July 25, 2010
This is the reason I survive...
The reason all hope has not flown.
Because inside this love is a whispering
peace, that tells me everything will turn out.
When it would appear as though life is
fleeting and despairing
I have only to remember the truth
And that is...
Posted by Angel Renee at 9:17 AM
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Here are some conversation tidbits you would hear if you lived where I do:
Recruit P: Meow.
Rockstar Liz: Meow!
Recruit P: Meow meow!
Angel: Guys, we have cats to do that.
Rockstar Liz: MEOW!!!
Candy Man: WOOF....
Recruit P and Rockstar Liz: (giggles) meow!
Recruit P: Hey, if I make food today will you eat it?!?!
Angel: Yes, thanks
Candy Man: Do we have tooo??
Rockstar Liz: Do you have a pen? I have a pen. Do we have a pen downstairs??
Recruit P: You know what, Aaron? You don't get to eat today!
Angel: There is a pen in the drawer by the fridge, Liz. Cassie, you are crazy.
Rockstar Liz: It's because we have empty stomachs!
Angel and Recruit P: (to the tune of Anchors Aweigh) Dum, dum dum dum dum, da dum, da, da da da dum!!!!
Rockstar Liz: (laughing) You guys are soo cool to be in the Navy
Recruit P: IN the NAVy, IN the NAVy...
Angel: You are SO cool to have friends in the Navy
Recruit P: GO NAVY!!! (fist pump)
Rockstar Liz: Oh my god, that is a HUGE fish!
Recruit P: HUGE!!!
Rockstar Liz: It's like 130lb catfish!!! They could hardly get it in the boat!
Recruit P: That's like a 10 year old catfish.
Rockstar Liz: How do you know, Cassie?
Recruit P: Well, the size. It's probably a bottom dweller.
Rockstar Liz: Well, yeah, it's a catfish, Cassie.
Recruit P: Yeah, well, you know.
Rockstar Liz: (turns computer) See, look at that, can you imagine catching that?
Recruit P: That's a guy.
Rockstar Liz: HAHA NO!!! I do NOT want to catch that guy.
Recruit P: We should go fishing.
Rockstar Liz: Yeah, I don't want to catch that guy, haha...
Candy Man: We should go fishing.
Rockstar Liz: YEAH!!! Except... oh, I left my pole at home...
Angel: You get a line and I'll get a pole, hunny...
Recruit P: Well, none of us have poles.
Rockstar Liz: True...
Recruit P: We could go noodling?
Rockstar Liz: You have to go further down south for that.
Angel: South to TEXAS!!!
Recruit P: No, south to swamps.
Rockstar Liz: Like south to LOUISIANA!!!
Angel: NO!! Not LOUISIANA!!!
Recruit P and Liz: NO!!! Not LOUISIANA!!!
Needless to say, we have the oddest discussions here. Those excerpts were all taken from this morning's interactions. Yup, you wish you lived with us.
Posted by Angel Renee at 10:36 AM
Monday, July 19, 2010
I'm going back to school. Just for a semester, the Navy is actually paying for me to go get a few more classes in! These are my fall classes:
Introduction to Literature-Mr. Harrison (:D)
Medical Terminology (greek and latin!)
Human Relations (sounds awesome)
These are all gonna be paid for. I'm very excited. Of course, I have an amazing schedule planned for my last fall as a civilian for a while. Here's a sneak peek:
In August, I'm going to Oceans of Fun, getting engagement pictures finally, and having a bridal shower. In September, another bridal shower. In October, getting married, possibly going to Minneapolis, MN to see a close friend, and attending all the kick-@$$ fall stuff, like hayrack rides, pumpkin patch, picking apples, bonfires... I love Autumn!!!
Oh yeah, and November is my birthday. Since I was stuck in a nightmare on my 21st birthday, this will be my 21 Forever party, to celebrate. So it's going to be a big bash. My best friend is turning 21 a few days before me, so I'm taking her with and we are gonna have fun.
I will keep updating on here. Right now, though, it's beautiful and sunny, and I'm going to walk with my roomie. More soon to come!!
Posted by Angel Renee at 4:52 PM
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Once upon a time, I lived in a charming little bat-free house. It was quaint and fun, and no one ever worried about crawling into bed at night. That all changed on July the 4th, even though I didn't know it yet.
I was celebrating my independence as a United States civilian with my Lexington family when I received a text message. Oh my gosh, it read, there is a bat on the stairs followed by a panicked telling of a frightening escape from a near-death experience. I assumed my roommate had found a bat outside our little house, reacted with a satisfactory, oh no!!! Poor you and proceeded with my celebrating, forgetting almost instantly the peril thrust upon my best friend. (Now, this post is not about my loyalty, concern for my pals, or lack thereof; as such we will leave that topic well alone.)
A few days later, still reveling in my freedom and feeling frantic over a certain impending wedding, I came home and began a hasty sweep of the house to hide all of the mess in Aaron's room. Cramming all my shoes upstairs, I came back down and began clearing the sink in the kitchen. As I gathered an armful and headed for the dining room, I spotted a dark thing attached to the wall over the doorway that I hadn't noticed before.
At first I honestly thought it was a mouse trap with a mouse caught in it. On the wall. Six feet up and not close to ANY surface. (my genius is not the topic of this post either.) I peered closely, trying to figure out why my brain was suddenly freezing into a slushy puddle of terror. Suddenly, my roommate's recent episode flashed into my head. I dropped my armful, clapping my hand over my mouth, and whirled to run. On the wall behind me I saw another, at head level. I had a vision at that moment of him waking up, glancing into my horror-struck eyes, and transforming into some wicked screaming little devil, and that being the last sight I would ever lay eyes on.
So of course, I did what any sensible, smart, safe almost-married-woman would do. I knelt so my trembling legs wouldn't betray me, turned white as a ghost, and whispered for Candy Man. Thankfully he was right behind me and asked me to go outside. However, since my legs wouldn't move, I think he ended up dragging me out eventually, into the pouring rain, with my whole body shaking like I had consumed wayyy too much Red Bull.
And then he got a bucket and he caught those little guys. They didn't even resist, totally sleep-drugged. And he stepped around me in the doorway, wet and mumbling, and took them to the end of our street, and set them free. And when he came back, I was telling myself that it was okay to come out of full panic mode, that no, the Jigsaw Killer had not found me and I was not part of a new sadistic Saw movie. So I burst into tears, rocking back and forth and begging. I begged to move. I begged to stay the night at my mommy's. I begged for a hug, and got one. It was a wet hug in the rain.
In all, we have caught NINE bats so far. I say we, but I mean Aaron. I've just been here, curled up in my little corner, fearfully keeping guard and fully ready to scream my guts out next time. Please, somebody adopt me? I am a friendly, loving 23 year old seeking new home with no pests of any kind.
Posted by Angel Renee at 9:34 AM
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Today could be just another day. It certainly seemed that way when I woke up this morning. Just like all the other normal days I started to have. And yet, this day turned out to be a nightmare, yet again, as I discovered a few hours ago.
It would seem that my family is prone to attempts at sabotage aimed towards anyone who might appear normal or *gasp* happy. No, let me try again. The women in my family are manipulative and controlling. No, that doesn't really fit it either. It's some mixture of the two. I'm too close to the situation to accurately describe it. It includes the words 'jealousy' and 'pain'.
So, at this point I am overflowing with conflicting thoughts. I feel like a million times I have given my family chances that they abused in SO many ways... I have tried looking through their eyes, and I can't see what kind of horrible black thing could be causing this. It's like a twisting, dark groping thing. It's spreading through the minds like an awful disease. And when I'm around them it creeps into me, filling me with sadness, confusion and hurt.
Today there was a respite, however. Because I am a Hoyt now. And as such, I happen to have a support that I didn't know was possible for me. The Hoyts are proud people. They are willing to stand up for me as part of their family. It makes me happy that I am not alone.
It's also changing what I've had all my life. Not like what I've had all my lie was good, but it was just who I was, I guess. And now it's threatening to not be. And it's sooo scary to realize that I might not really be a part of that family anymore. But good? I'm so confused.
I need serenity.
Posted by Angel Renee at 6:15 PM
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Today Pisces and I are leaving for the MEPS again. By tomorrow at this time I should be sworn in, know my job and when I leave!
Because of the Navy rules and regulations, Candy Man and I learned that we would not be able to get married until 2012 unless we got married before I went into delayed entry program. So... we got the legal documents and are now officially Mr. and Mrs. Hoyt. Of course, we are still having the wedding and are planning it all out.
I'm so excited!!! Wish us luck!!
Posted by Angel Renee at 12:03 PM