Saturday, January 30, 2010

My Other Identity

It's not exactly hidden. I just hide away from a lot of people who would disapprove of who I am compared to who I was, once upon a time. They would find a lot of problems with what I've become. For instance:

I am working at a bowling alley. Not so bad. As a bartender. BAD!! Especially because I love it more than any job I've ever had. Every single aspect. My favorite is kareoke night. Picture this: A crowded bar, all kinds of music being sung all kinds of ways. Beer foams over the top of the tall bud draw and splatters on your shoes. All ages getting drunk off their asses, swaying and laughing and in general, celebrating life as an American. Your fellow bartender splitting over $200 in tips at the end of an exhausting night. Oh man, I love my job!!!

I guess the reason a lot of people wouldn't like my job is because I'm 'enabling' alcoholics. But really, those guys are going to drink anyway. Why not do it in a controlled atmosphere, where I can watch and cut them off if they go overboard, call them a cab, etc.?

I have embraced the wild side. I have done a few things that are absolutely unacceptable where I come from. Examples:

I got a tattoo on my lower back. It's very beautiful, here it is:

I have gotten very, very drunk. Since drinking is taboo where I come from, that would also be unacceptable. But my mom does it too, so I guess I never really felt guilty about that.

Oh yeah! Big one: I have a boyfriend. No, not a betrothed or a fiance. Just a boyfriend. And, AND, we've done things together that would cause my old friends to just abandon me as lost, and pray for me as such.

See? And I seemed like such a nice, innocent girl...

But I don't mourn the death of my other self. Rather, I'm glad I'm different now. It's so much more freeing. And I love being able to accept others and be accepted. I am glad to be something other than a hypocrite.

Oh my gosh, some alien took over my body and wrote all this! Quick, time to pray him out: Dear Heavenly Father...

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Stress Busters and Imminent Proposals

Spring is an unachievable goal. Less than 6 months away, but it feels like my world is destined to remain hidden beneath packed down dirty snow. You know it's pathetic when you see a 2 foot pile of snow by your front door and think, 'this isn't so bad!' because it's 3 feet shorter than it was 2 weeks ago!

I would love to be warm again. A constant warm, even hot would be okay, days when all you want to do is run outdoors, bare feet on the new grass, or in puddles of fresh rainfall, skin exposed to the warmth of the sun. Mmm.

I hate not being in some control of situations. Specifically, occasions involving a question that will affect me for life. Such occasions hopefully happen only once, and it's tradition to remain a complete mystery to the female of a couple, until the 'stallion' makes the move. Haha that sounds funny how I worded it, but I can't think of a better way to say it. Point made in a short, random, funny sentence. How charming can I be? Honestly though, at least a timeline would be nice. A little more of a timeline than 'soon'. Grr.

Angel's 5 Tips on how to Ease the Mind

1. Have a substantial amount of finances tucked away in a bank account. This always makes me feel much less stressed. I don't care if you rob a bank. Some other people might care though. Just don't rob Dominoes Pizza. As long as you have money in the account, you might feel more relaxed.

2. Cook something. At least it's good to know, when all your life is spiraling out of control and certain men aren't telling you when they plan to ask you a life altering question, and woodwind instruments aren't made out of wood thus failing your theory and ruining your grades, and mom is revealing information about your past that makes you want to seriously die, and friends are too self absorbed to care...anyway, when life is unexpected, how comforting is it to know that you can mix flour, sugar, oil, eggs, peanut butter and baking soda and come up with peanut butter cookies? It's a way of remaining in charge, which lets your guard down, easing your worries.

3. Finish your homework on time. Better yet, don't get yourself into the position of having homework in the first place. How about skip school and live an uneducated life? You know what they say, 'ignorance is bliss'. Bliss sounds carefree to me. You can take this advice or leave it...

4. Get involved with a sport, preferably martial arts. It doesn't make sense to me. How I can go storming off to Hapkido in a rage, kick the crap out of a bag and deal with annoying boys who think they are better than anyone else, and come away from that feeling RELAXED??? Happy, even? But I do! Haha, I never said I wasn't weird.

5. If all else fails, and only then, drugs and alcohol will do the trick. Try the alcohol first, it gets you in less trouble, especially if you are over 21 like I am. For starters, take a fruity shot or two, like X-rated or Peach schnapps. Then move on to a few carrot cake shots, which involve butterscotch flavored alcohol (I now dub the genius who invented butterscotch flavored alcohol as my almighty god and king). And finally, take some Southern Comfort. Make sure to have some chasers like soda handy, cause that stuff burns. After that, do whatever the hell you want to. You can go for hardcore stuff, like everclear, and eventually puke your guts out and die. Or you could take a cheesecake shot, which is Vanilly McGillicuddy's and cranberry juice, and stare in awe at the glass for 2 hours while exclaiming how much like cheesecake it tasted. Or, you could have a Monster or red bull and charge around town, bouncing off brick walls and throwing yourself off buildings, playing Superman. Whichever way you go, I guarantee you will be worry free and relaxed.

I'm not a very good influence. I know. But when you have my life, you need stress busters. I didn't give you my personal favorite method of worry relievers, which involves a blade and neosporin. That's because I do have standards, and I am not trying to give you ideas that will ruin your life. I am the big sister to 6 kids. I learned to hide my less-acceptable ideas and encourage nice ways of solving problems. And stress itself is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness.

Blah blah blah, I just talked a lot. Bored myself to tears, actually. Watching paint dry would be more fun than thinking of ways to relieve stress. I'm going to go scrapbook and have a drink.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Inside My Head, Installment #7

It's gotten busy here again!! I worked all weekend, saw 3 or 4 movies, went back to school. The fun part of spring semester in the music department is getting ready for spring tour. So much to learn!!! Here are a few of my favorite songs this year:

Big Spender
Theme from New York, New York
Lullaby of Broadway
Great BALLS of Fire!!!
Jersey Boys Medley
Shake Your Groove Thing

Those are 6 out of about 19 that we will be singing and dancing at our shows. Makes you want to come see us, doesn't it?!

I finally got my Buckle jeans. I've been saving up for them for a long time. I went to the store and tried on about 11 pairs. Finally I looked in the mirror and saw THE pair. They chose me, folks. My whole lower half looked like it belonged to a goddess. I was so happy. My roommate was so impressed that she decided to get some Buckle jeans. She ended up unknowingly picking the same pair as mine. So when she got home, we compared them... these are like the traveling pants from the sisterhood, guys!! They fit us both perfectly, and we are totally different!!!

My kitten is not much of a kitten anymore. She used to fit inside my palm. Now she takes up my whole lap. Ugh. I'm really glad human babies don't grow as fast as cats do. I still want a dog.

I've been kind of depressed lately, but not in a bad way... I don't know how that works. I feel like something is wrong, though. Like something bad is about to happen. I wonder if my body can tell weather. The forecast shows little to no snow, but the almanac apparently says 20 inches this week. So maybe my body senses the change in weather and gives me this feeling of uneasiness? I don't know.

I do know that I've had a few sad things happen lately. I feel like I'm cutting ties with my past yet again, but it's making me lose some old friends. I had a friend, talked about him quite regularly on here, in fact. A few months ago we had some spark of interest in each other. It died out hastily, we are just not each other's type. But then it seemed to be okay, until the night he told me that as a Christian, he could not have sexual relations until marriage anymore. Like that was a problem for me.

I'm pretty sure the blood all drained from my face at that point. I had to get as far away from him as I could, and I didn't know why. It was like I had been here before. I spent a few weeks cringing whenever he was around. Finally, talking to a dear friend, the reason came to me. My guy friend had said exactly what my dad had said. And every Christian guy who turned out to be a complete jerk. They reel you in by appearing to be clean cut, polite, gentlemanly, and immune to sexual desires.These guys don't stay Mr. Wonderful for long, though. Eventually they grab their meek, submissive new woman of God and devour her. Sometimes even in the name of the Lord.

This has happened to me before. And knowing my guy friend like I do, I was well aware that he does have sexual desires, in fact, and not much self control either. So I read his words as a false advertisement and kept well away. But now I miss the guy I cared about. I loved my friend as a brother, and now I can't be near him without being scared to death. What to do? These Christians are gonna kill me!!!

And please don't remind me that not all Christian guys are that way. I'm not a moron. The only group I really stereotype are basketball players (cause ALL of them are loud and obnoxious.) I can't tell my brain to shut off the alarm switch, though. It was installed there for a reason, and that was to protect me from religious rapists.

I can't imagine what would happen if every friend I ever made just dissolved away, one by one. I really doubt that would happen, but if it did, I don't really know what I would do. On one hand, I'm rather fond of playing the loner. On the other hand, it might kill me. So that's the impossible question of the day.

Speaking of 'of the day', the word of the day is 'impale'. My friend Dane figured that out. The word of the day 2 days ago I'm especially fond of, 'wraught'. Mmm

Monday, January 11, 2010

Inside My Head, Installment #6

Another semester... and another round of fun. Last night I woke up twice panicking, thinking I had over slept. When it was finally time to get up, I showered and dressed in about 15 minutes. Then, since we all carpool to school, we all sat around for about 20 minutes waiting until it was time to go.

I love how you can be with someone all semester, to the point of them driving you crazy, then when you get back to school you are thrilled to see them! I had that wonderful experience today, and let me tell you, I surprised myself by being genuinely pleased to see almost everyone.

Okay, so I was especially happy to learn that I have Speech with my dear friend Chelsey. This being entirely unexpected as she incorrectly informed me that her class was on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I did a little happy dance, sat down in the back of the classroom, and proceeded to have a whispered conversation with her for the whole hour.

And of course, must talk about my English teacher... I've mentioned Mr. Harrison so many times before. He is truly a role model for me. This semester I opted to take his class, even though I've already had ALL my English classes. Just so I can go out with a bang. He is so terribly random and yet so poignant when he talks about religion or life... Love it!!!

Choir was next, and let me tell you how your throat is affected by a 3 week break. Epic Fail. It felt strained all day. But that didn't faze me, I LOVE to sing. We have some wicked songs for show choir this year. Oh yeah... By the way, choir takes about 4 hours of my Mondays and Wednesdays. Sweet bliss...

We lost a tenor, however, and this is bad news. Because this tenor is in show choir. And we have already learned 5 of the songs for said show choir. And he was TALL, meaning that any replacement we get will either be tall, or we will have to rearrange where everyone dances. Nice going, tenor who might read this and skipped out on us...

On a happier note, I walked by a terrific pile of snow today. It inched clear up the side of a campus building. As usual, I made an incredibly deep and profound 'quotable', and it is as follows:
"Good God, it looks like a fucking beached whale!!!"
Cassie laughed until she cried, then told everyone she saw. I was rather proud of myself for my creative wording. That's why I know I'll love speech. I've got unparalleled talent. A few girls even drew a beached whale on the snowpile in my honor and etched my (MY!!) quote beneath it. Take that, pile of snow.

It was a good day, in summary. Tomorrow promises to be just as marvelous. For now, I'm home, and it's warm, with my feet in front of a space heater, and my boyfriend torturing the kitten... falling asleep... AND, I have TKD tomorrow night. I love my current life.

By the way... quite a few new people have been commenting on my blog. Introductions, anyone? I'd love to know who you are and how you discovered my blog.


Friday, January 8, 2010

It is -36 degrees and blowing huge drifts outside...

We had no choice but to stay home and work on our music...

In case you wondered, it isn't easy opening the syrup
bottle with a spoon... haha

Friday, January 1, 2010

Inside My Head, Installment #5

Happy New Year, cause it was better than Christmas!! I got to watch the ball drop, countdown, and celebrate with a lot of happy festive bowlers. I also got paid time and a half to do it. Life is good....

School is a distant, distasteful memory. I don't want to go back. I am not looking forward to once again mingling with the college drama queens who were once high school plastics, made much worse when ripening into adulthood. Ugh. The immaturity of those girls...makes me want to puke a little. It was easier when I was a quiet, easygoing girl. But now I am a little bolder, and I want to put her in her place. Should I?

Pajamas at Walmart-full sets-were $2 apiece today. NICE ones too. I got a couple. Then I felt guilty because last night I spent $35 at Maurice's. And I'm supposed to be frugal and stuff. But then I got to thinking about WHY I bought what I did. And my conclusion is that I bought that stuff because there was a serious sale at both stores. Not like a 50% off sale, or something that happens a lot. Maurice's had almost ALL their clothes for $3-5. And so for me to get 7 shirts that I've wanted for 6 months is a great, not-so-hasty deal. And then pajamas are something I really needed. So I really was very wise.

I have a fear of having that consumer disorder. Where in times of great stress, people max out their credit card buying meaningless stuff. I don't know why I'm scared of it. But some people are scared of developing Turrets. I'm scared of becoming a shopoholic. Wow. The irony? I'm a super frugal person. HAha.

My boyfriend is playing video games like there is no tomorrow. Silly boy. What he doesn't know is that tomorrow is very inniment, and in fact upon us as I write. Aaron is a little bit of a gamer. Some guys get annoyed by that, but I don't mind, except when he ignores me for days to play games and then insists it was because I was on the computer all the time! Jeez.

My kitten is now Aaron's cat. She doubled in size, and she took to Aaron like most girls take after Edward or Jacob. She thinks that her place is on his chest. If he and I are together, she is in between us. I'm starting to think that Aaron's brilliant father devised a way to instill a purity system inside of her. Either that or she's jealous of what we have....

I'm off to listen to Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah about 3 times before I go to sleep. This is my new habit. :) Night, all.