Thursday, September 30, 2010

I'm Going For THAT Look Again???! And, of Melting Hearts

When I was a little kid, the huge glasses that covered your whole face were in style. Mmmhmm, I'm that old. Not only that, but add a perm and you were set. I hated it.

I was nine when I got my first glasses. I had bug eyes, and when I cried, which was every day, my eyes looked puffy and red, magnified by the glass. My hair frizzed out in every direction wildly, and I wore Little House On the Prairie dresses. I looked like a huge loser. Well, not huge. I was a stick.

So when I turned eighteen, contacts were the first thing on my list. I braved sticking my fingers in my eyes over and over, learning how to insert and remove the things. And I never looked back at glasses.

With contacts, when I cry, people stare at me and ask, 'do you wear colored contacts? Your eyes are the most beautiful blue I've ever seen.' I like that a lot better. I didn't even have blue eyes as a kid, they were green, and I didn't like them. Now they are brilliant blue, and I wish they were green again, but I do like the angry-sea shade they get when I'm sad.

For boot camp, we are required to wear glasses. Not just any glasses. These are called BCGs. That stand for Birth Control Glasses. Cause they are hideous! I'm so looking forward to that! Not!

So, I'm investing in a pair of real frames. This way, on graduation day, I can peer at everyone from a fairly stylish pair of spectacles instead of looking like a sad, sad geek.

I know, fascinating subject, but I was just thinking about this for the past week and decided to post my resolution here. I'm buying glasses! And this time, they are NOT taking over my entire face.

As an ending, I'm gonna post my favorite, darkest poem that I wrote in March of 2008. It's called Melt My Heart, and it is now showcased at my college. :)

No blood flows

In these dormant veins
Ice alone inhabits
These sad remains

No longer runs life
In arteries so still
The glacier hands shiver
Numb from the chill

Silent for so long
Fading fast away
Catch a sudden glimpse
Of hope by light of day

Then, slowly warming
An anger starts to grow
Heat begins mounting
Sudden spurts the flow

Emotions running rampant
A cold heart screams
Erupting, fiery fury
Mourning broken dreams

A hurricane depicting
The passion of the grief
Will calm of joy return
Defying all belief?

The End of the Beginning...

"I think you should just shut it down completely." Someone said these words to me yesterday. He was referring to the blog.

I'm not too keen on the idea. But, it's scaring me. The past 2 nights I've had nightmares of the police showing up on my doorstep again, handing me papers that my mom served me. I'm so scared of them doing that again. I just moved, so that may be the only reason they haven't done so yet-Mom may not know where I live so can't give them an address.

My life has been hell. I'm choosing not to be a victim, actually doing something big with my life and escaping my past. I really don't want it to follow me anymore. I want my wedding day to be the start of something new, something beautiful, and something in which the echoes of the past are faint.

So, this is my pondering day. I may have to close down this blog, lose all my writings, and sacrifice my fun. I LOVE writing on my blog! Such a lot to think about. I will let you know soon.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

And Really Bad Eggs


I feel sick.

Like I'm maybe coming down with a flu.

Better this week than next week, right?


I think I am going to bed now.

Goodnight, all. Love!

Monday, September 27, 2010

I'm Praying for Youuuu

This song is by Jaron and the Long Road. I really enjoy listening to
this one. It's so not what I'm used to, growing up fundamentalist. But
it reminds me of when I ran into my childhood neighbor at the bar
during a Huskers game. He said that he never thought he'd see the
day when I would be a bartender. I guess that's how
awesome a transformation I've been through. I
even enjoy praying now.... haha

I havent been to church since I don’t remember when
Things were goin’ great ‘til they fell apart again
So I listened to the preacher as he told me what to do
He said you can’t go hatin’ others who have done wrong to you
Sometimes we get angry, but we must not condemn
Let the good Lord do His job and you just pray for them

I pray your brakes go out runnin’ down a hill
I pray a flowerpot falls from a window sill and knocks you in the head like I’d like to
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls
I pray you’re flyin’ high when your engine stalls
I pray all your dreams never come true
Just know whereever you are honey, I pray for you

I’m really glad I found my way to church
‘Cause I’m already feelin’ better and I thank God for the words
Yeah I’m goin’ take the high road
And do what the preacher told me to do
You keep messin’ up and I’ll keep prayin’ for you

I pray your tire blows out at 110
I pray you pass out drunk with your best friend and wake up with his and her tattoos

I pray your brakes go out runnin’ down a hill
I pray a flowerpot falls from a window sill and knocks you in the head like I’d like to
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls
I pray you’re flyin’ high when your engine stalls
I pray all your dreams never come true
Just know whereever you are, near or far, in your house or in your car,
wherever you are honey, I pray for you.
I pray for you

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Inside My Head, Installment #11

Last Friday, I received a letter from a law office stating that much of the information on my blog is inaccurate. I'm not sure if this person even read my blog, considering that she wrote to a Ms. Hoyt, instead of a Mrs. Bennett or Mrs. Hoyt, and that my mom's name was spelled wrong and there were spelling errors throughout. I was given 3 days to remove the offending posts.

From now on, anything that I write that is not fictional will be entered as, 'in my opinion'. I have freedom of speech that allows this on a public blog. In my opinion, I have suffered enough abuse and I'm tired of it. My thoughts and views are my own, entirely factual, and if they aren't then I always state that they are fictional.

In my opinion, I'm pretty sure I'm being exploited. I went onto a website last week and found a 37 page chat about myself. People have been reading a story about me and talking about it. I'm not happy about that at all, considering that in my opinion it's a lot of falsehoods anyway. Upon my entrance into the Navy, I realized that I don't want this false image of me being published on a blog, or in a book, or anything. This is partly why I am going to start posting my story. I don't like the idea of anyone making a profit on my misfortunes.

On that note... I had my last dress fitting today. I got a size 4 and it's starting to get loose on me. I blame my body for being too excited to eat much lately. We have 4 more parties before the wedding, and 2 after. I've been able to finally focus just on the wedding and not on any other craziness, and it's been SO peaceful.

We went to marriage counseling this week. It was really fun! We learned that the 4 main focal points that make or break a relationship are 1. Money, 2. In-Laws, 3. Kids, and 4. Spirituality. We actually have talked through these things before. Money we have figured out, I doubt that will be a problem. In-Laws... haha, yeah. That's something we are learning to survive. Kids-we're hoping for 2, and we're raising them Unitarian. I think. And we are growing together spiritually.

I met my friend G. off of my mom's blog. She's amazing and funny, encouraging. She's coming to the wedding, and I can't wait to see her, even if it isn't for long. Also Candy Man and I are planning a visit to see my Grandpa Irv and his family. We've spent a lot of time talking to them and I'm excited to see them before I go to the Navy. What an exciting time in our lives right now!

This was a really random post, I'll be posting again soon with something more structured and organized.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Story Bank

Once upon a time...

Of course I love stories. When I was young, I loved
when they were about me. Not so much anymore, though.
My own story is so much different from my mom's,
from my sister's, etc. It's my own. And I don't think
that's a bad thing~

Mine is the only ending that is turning out
exciting, free, normal, happy, and something I would
say is worth living. I would love to tell my own story. I
am not interested in making money, or exposing a religion,
or anything like that. Just telling my story.

Are people interested in hearing? If so, I will start a
sectional about my story, separate from my personal
'fun' blog. I think it would be fun, and I could maybe get
some extra college credit with it. :)

It wouldn't be an easy story. Nor would it be used to
hurt anyone. It would simply be the truth, told from
my perspective as a child and growing into the college
student I am today.

Angel Renee

Monday, September 20, 2010

Baby, Oh Baby

Oh Baby... you shine.
You've found your way
into this heart of mine
I love you
like lovers do
Baby, oh Baby mine

Um... Baby...
your tongue
hanging out
is... cute.
The end.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Stealthful...Like Pink Panther

Recruit P and I are awesome Navy people. On
an awesome non-Navy mission.

Through thick and thin, we fight for right. We
fight for life, liberty, and the pursuit of all who
threaten it.

Scary and cute-awesome combination.

Friday, September 10, 2010

The Kitten

Like a star in Orion's belt on the blackest night
Are her eyes, sparkling with excitement
She lifts the sleepy bundle into her arms
Caressing the little animal gently
It's tiny claws knead in and out of her skin
But she laughs, cooing, "it tickles, kinda"
From somewhere deep inside, we hear a hum
That means the kitten is contentedly serenading
She lays it down on the sofa, covered by a baby blanket
And sits right beside it, humming in tune,
Until they both lay in a tangle, fast asleep.

Disclaimer: This post does not mean that I adore
kittens. I momentarily was caught in the moment
when I saw a little friend of mine playing with
her kitten. And it was kind of cute... What am
I saying!?!? It WAS a cute kitten. It will soon
be a not-cute cat.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

A Lazy Day

Today? I was supposed to be doing other things today,
but in the end I'm glad it didn't turn out, because
it got to be a lazy day. Here's the highlight reel
for the day: Went to the recruiter's office for
about an hour with Recruit P...

Wrote a humorous essay for my English class...

Avoided a hug from a grubby Candy Man as
Geek Trent avoided a picture by me

Cheered Recruit P on as she installed a new
radio system in her car :D

And for supper on this cool, Autumn day, we are
eating BLTs, homemade, Potato soup, and
Hot fresh apple pie. Mmmm.

Yay for Lazy Days!

Monday, September 6, 2010

Stand By Me

When they back you up no matter what

When they trust your words have weight

When they insist you are one of their own

When they help you buy THE wedding gown

And spend forty minutes lacing up the back

If they fight over what your last name is

When they invite you in at midnight

For a much needed cry and a good hug session

When they make you laugh and lift you up

When they cancel their plans to help with yours

That's when it's time to take a close look

And evaluate who your family really is

And who will stand by you always

Those should be the chosen ones.

Dedicated to:
Neil H
Lynne T
Julie D
Mom and Dad H
Robert-Rainbow Man
Cassie-Recruit Pisces
Dane H
Andrew B
And last but not least
The Candy Man

Thursday, September 2, 2010

When You Wish Upon a Star

...When I was 4, I wished at my birthday party for a pony. Typical, young wonder, I waited for my ultimate wish to be granted.

... When I was 5, I blew the seeds off a dandelion and wished that my mom would lose her recipe for corncake. I absolutely gagged every time she made it, and often I'd be at the table long after everyone else had gone, stubbornly staring the nasty lump down.

... When I was 6, I wished upon a star that my baby kitten would come back to life and that he would romp about the house again. I wished this with tears in my eyes.

... When I was 7, I closed my eyes shut tightly and wished that I could have my own, real life, fairy godmother. I wished desperately that she would appear and fly with me, away to a magical place that was anywhere but home.

... When I was 8, I wished on my birthday that I could change personalities and become someone big and strong, perhaps someone in the military, who could be deserving of respect and never be a child again.

... When I was 9, I prayed that God would send a social worker to my house, and that he would see the bruises on my face and the wounds in my heart. I prayed for a foster family.

... When I was 10, I asked God to make me invisible from all the eyes of the world. I prayed that I could even hide from those without eyes who always seemed to find me anyway.

...When I was 11, I lay in bed and wished with all my might that dad would just fall asleep. That he wouldn't come sneaking into my room. I was so tired... the day had been endless...

... When I was 12, I wished that the people at the new church we were attending would see the self-inflicted bruises and assume that my dad had given them to me. And that they would just show up at the house, and take me away.

... When I was 13, I prayed that God would make me into the person I was supposed to be so that I wouldn't view the torture as anything but God's blessings. Religiously I knelt every night and asked for the right attitude that would transform me into something worthy.

... When I was 14, I held my baby brother and prayed that he would be the last, not because I hated caring for my siblings, but because I loved this one more than anything and I wanted to make sure I was there to protect him 100% from the yelling, hitting, and hurting.

...When I was 15, I cried for hours, endlessly and heartbroken, as I admitted to God that I understood why He was displeased with me. I was a rebellious, hateful daughter. I argued when I should just lie to make dad happy. I wished for death. God knew what I was inside, and I asked him passionately to change me, make me beautiful and wanted.

And where, you ask me, comes my disbelief? I'd like to point out that not one of these wishes came true. Still haven't.

That's the magic of the moment, folks.