Sunday, August 15, 2010

Inside My Head, Installment #10

I am in a hurry for Tuesday. Monday will drag on like a dissonant, repetitive classical piece, lingering long after several appropriate ends are ignored. First day of school... moving into the new apartment... mailing wedding invites... going to the courthouse to change some things on some legal documents. Busy and not in a fun way.

But Tuesday! Mr. Harrison's class, here I come! Soon you, my blog friends, will see my writings spilled out in all the glory of the English language as I swiftly organize my thoughts and turn to research in my spare time. In short measure, you will notice my wistful longing for peace on earth and the simple life, words used sparingly to mean much. The attention to writing that has evaded me for these past three months is surfacing again, and it is with enthusiasm and gratefulness that I announce that my demise was not long-lived.

On July 31st, I made a conscious decision to not let the struggles and pain of my recent situation get me down any longer. I vowed that August would be a time of laughter. And I guess my choice was honored by the powers that be. This month has been wonderful, beautiful. Here are some highlights:

On August 4th was my first big DEP meeting. That's where I was told that the CIA and FBI would be on the lookout to hire me. I also received my first award. And I will recite for you now my sixth general order: "My sixth general order is to receive, obey and pass on to the sentry relieving me all orders from the Commanding officer, Command Duty Officer, Officer of the Deck, and officers and petty officers of the watch only." Thank you, all, please, hold your applause!!!

Early on in August, my friend Rainbow Boy showed up in town. He stayed with us a long time. I think it was about 2 weeks. We got pictures together, like this one:

We also stayed up all hours of the night, talked about every single thing in the world and then some, ventured where neither of us had dared venture before, and oh! picked out my wedding dress. And talked for 3 days about my family. And made special toasts late at night. There was the one night I signed him up to sing Barbie Girl at kareoke without his knowledge. Oh, the memories....

We had these weird little kitten things born a few days after Rainbow Boy arrived. Here's a glimpse:

They are part Persian, we think, because of the smoky-fading-to-white markings. They also have little ringed tails. I love them even if they are awfully strange little raccoon/skunk/cat guys. At least, I'll love them until they become cats!!

On August 13th, Candy Man, Rainbow Boy, Recruit P. and I went to Oceans of Fun. We camped out the night before in Oak Grove, MO. That was kind of fun. We probably kept some of our 'neighbors' up because we were having so much fun. That night I got a lot of bug bites (remember this part. It's important later). The next day we spent about 8 hours getting drenched with water on the hottest day of the summer. We also got awesome souveniers- the kind where your skin is red and sensitive, and hurts for about 3 days before fading into a nice even tan. :)

That night, we stayed in a hotel. Candy Man had some sun heat, but he rallied and took me out to a Mongolian Grill. Mmmm... Recruit P and Rainbow Boy went to Outback Steakhouse and had a great time too! When we returned to the hotel, we went to bed... and I was up for hours scratching my bug bites a lot.

I got back home yesterday and my bug bites were driving me so insane that I was literally stomping around, slathering my bites in everything I could find. Finally I realized I was having an allergic reaction to mosquito bites! Who would have imagined! Thankfully Recruit P's mom helped out, I took some Benadryl, and was knocked out cold all night.

Rainbow Boy is gone now. I'm surprisingly sad about that. The last few days of his visit I was pretty detached. I think I knew I would miss him. It makes me wish that the summer of '08, when we met, was never ending. But I wouldn't wish that on him, because he had a hard time there. I just am soooo glad we met, and I wouldn't change anything about him. Nothing. Nada.

Oh! I got a new sleeping buddy at the Omaha Henry Doorly Zoo on our trip!!! My old buddy was the tiger Patrick, who I have mentioned in here before. Now I have a black panther named Jaden, and a little tiny white tiger named Wynter. Candy Man was super sweet and stopped just to get them for me. Love them!!! I'll get pics soon.

The rest of August looks pretty promising... school starting, a bridal shower next weekend, my best friend Sanders is home from boot camp, and we are moving back into town. I mastered calligraphy for my wedding invites, and I'm looking forward to sending them.

Soon I will be welcoming in the fresh, dying beauty of my favorite season. Autumn has the best colors, aromas and warm memories. This season carries the last remnants of sorrow from months gone by, and at the same time renews a hope for a new chapter.

Wedding plans are going very well! The wedding party is planning a dance-off: guys vs. girls. We're working on choreography. We also have outfits all picked out. The guys are renting some amazing tuxes. My dress is stunning, and only has minor alterations. We have a full day planned with some wonderful little whimsical additions to make our wedding truly unique!!

I thought I would throw in a word from my heart of hearts... I saw my brother last week. He looked older and more handsome than I remembered. It made me think about the family. I don't plan to see them anytime soon. Berea, Chasse, Hazelle, Andrew, Lydia and Wesley are in my heart and I love them unconditionally. This was something I had to learn, because I learned as a child from a man who did not know how to love unconditionally. I want to be the best mother that I can be, and it means starting now.

Even if one sister chooses to tell lies and cover up her own faults, I still love her completely, although it makes me angry. When my sister chooses to paint me as a despicable, unloving sister to all of my friends, I still love her! I'm sad that she feels such dark emotions. Those two girls are my sisters, and I hope they both find what they are looking for so desperately.

And then there's the littles. Hazelle is the sister most like me as far as intellectual knowledge. I can't wait to see her succeed in college! She won't be one to skip classes, beg help off others, and drop courses. She's gonna be popular, and she deserves to be, because she is witty and beautiful. Andrew makes me smile on my darkest days. I remember when he was six, I would tell him, "One day you're going to be ten, and you won't like to hug me anymore..." and he would protest, "I'll always love to hug you!!!" And guess what? He does!! Lydia and Wesley are both young and portray a sense of maturity I never had, but I'm glad they do. They still possess innocence, and life, and humor.

My stepdad? I think I forgive him completely. There are even some things I would like to thank him for, some day. Not for a while, though. I don't ever want him back in my life. My mom? I love her. But the dimension of our relationship is too complicated for me. I appreciate the quiet, simple life, free of drama, like my great uncle Ron. I'm thankful for my Navy job because it will take me away, for eight years, to travel, see new places, establish financial security, and hopefully add to my new little family. And when I return, I am hoping that our family can experience restoration.

It tears me up that my little kiddos won't be in my wedding. But as long as they know that I love them and am doing what is best for them, I will be happy.